17 Things NOT to Say to People with Infertility

And what to do instead..    And my thoughts on this article that was floating around facebook yesterday. After doing some more digging, I found some other great articles too that are totally worth sharing (links at the bottom of post).  I highly recommend this. And I shared this on my facebook page, b/c I cant straight out say things like this to my family.. friends yes...   but not family (but I'm not sure why not..).

So here we go...

DONT: "Are you pregnant yet?" or "Still no babies yet?" If I were pregnant, you'd better believe huffington post would pick up the story.

DONT: "You just need to stop stressing and relax, and it will happen." So, what your saying is, its that easy? wow! I NEVER thought of that before! It will happen?? But what if it doesn't, or that I've lost a baby already? Now your just pointing out that I'm a huge loser who doesn't have a kid yet. #icanteven             Please for the love of cookie dough, stop telling me to relax. #seriously

DONT: "It'll happen one day, just wait your turn." Umm, did you really just say that? As previously mentioned, its been just about 11 years of trying. When you do supposed my turn will come?

DONT: "It was so easy for me to get pregnant! My husband just looked at me and I was pregnant." So maybe I could borrow him for a min?

DONT: "Your not having kids because you are to career-focused." I don't have anything on this one.. this has never been me. Just another example of how AWESOME people can be!

DONT: "What a shame, your a women and you cant have children." A few thoughts on this one, if I were a feminist who's to say I WANTED to have children. But I'm not.. so I digress. But who's to say, I cant ... yet?

DONT: "Maybe you're not meant to be a mom. God has other plans for you." This one strikes home. This is something my dad said to me over the holidays. Why would God want me to suffer and be in pain and sorrow? That's not his plan. Why would God made an incredible science called Reproductive Endocrinology if it weren't meant to be used? If you have cancer, are you supposed to die because "that's what God wanted." NO!!!!! If you're sick, then don't you go to Target and pick up NyQuil?

DONT: "If you just lost a few pounds it would probably happy." As explained by my preacher husband.. yes dear. I KNOW THIS. He's really not a preacher. Just likes to act like one sometimes.

DONT: "Forget about it, you're trying to hard." As opposed to what? not trying hard? See above "relax".. ugh

DONT: "Why don't you just adopt? There are tons of kids that need homes." Ok, 1) there's nothing 'just' about it. Its not easy, they're not at target JUST laying around... I don't have a 2 right now..

DONT: "You don't know how lucky you are! Kids are expensive and a handful." Lucky? Lucky to see literally everyone around me have a cute pudgy little baby? Lucky, to have started counting backwards at my birthday... Lucky, to see everyone get to have their dream come true...   yea.. lucky.

DONT: "Just get a dog."  I have two of them, and I wish upon a star for them to turn into toddlers over night.. it hasn't happened yet. We're also considering a 3rd dog depending how on this year (2015) goes...

DONT: "I know exactly how you're feeling." Lets insert this too..  "I know exactly how you're feeling, I watched Guiliana & Bill..." haha!! or.. "I know exactly how you feel, I've been trying for a few months myself..." wow!! You too?  I'll put it to you this way..  also as mentioned before, my husband has had three back surgery's..  you don't know back pain, really back pain is like. So when I hear you say "oh my back hurts.." please..       same goes with infertility.. "oh its been a few months?... please..

DONT: "You have two children. Isn't that enough?"  Well, I don't..  but I can see how this can hurt. Who are you to judge when a family is complete?

DONT: "Haven't you learned after five miscarriages, that you should be done?"  I haven't gone through this personally, but not to say I wont as I am just starting on this journey. But again.. you have no right to judge when someone should "just move on." 

DONT: "You can have my children if you want." Don't tempt me..

DONT: Give advise. Unless you have gone through this, we'll say 'Journey' to be nice (sometimes its a nightmare), you don't have any advice to offer.

DONT: Complain about your pregnancy or children. This one kind of got me too, one of my best friends from college got pregnant (oppsie) and complained most of the time. I would give ANYTHING to be in her shoes. And when that time comes for me, if my pregnancy is hard, I'm going to thank the Lord everyday. This is all I ever wanted.

And also, I don't want to hear another story about how you know someone that knows someone who's tried for 15 years and BOOM got pregnant. Just like fingerprints, every ovary is different. That story has got nothing to do with my situation. Sometimes, science has to get involved.

I know your intentions are good. But you have to ask yourself, Am I a reproductive Endocrinologist? Probably not.

Instead..  

DO: Lend a caring, patient ear. Sometimes we just need to talk and be heard. We're not always looking for an answer, or a response.

DO: Talk about things that are not centered around children or baby. Yes please. I'm currently looking into day hikes for the Appalachian Trail. I love to hike, so that's a great way to get me started on something else.

DO: Be understanding if they opt out of social obligation. Like not wanting to HOLD THE BABY.

DO: Think about what it is like in their shoes.   So, if your in a younger relationship, thinking about everyone getting engaged before you. Having that beautiful wedding, you being the bridesmade to all of them - but you don't have that ring on your finger. How sometimes you get mad that you don't have that ring...      like that, but babies.

I wish there were more you could do. Simply put, there is not much. This is why some couples go through this journey on the DL because they don't want the attention or have to share the losses with the wins. I on the other hand have 2 blogs now, and will talk till I'm blue in the face. However..  this is not a conversation to have waiting on dinner to arrive. If you really want to know the protocols, or want to know what I'm going through genually - I will be able to tell. And I will share my story. But once you start to get that 'face' where you're zoning out and not understanding, I will stop, and know that I probably wont be able to share anything with you until this is all over. #nooffence.

Article Links:
17 Things NOT to say to people with infertility - and what to do instead

Infertility Etiquette 101

The Worst Thing You Can Say During Infertility

(Another great article) 16 things You Should Never Say To A Women Who Is Childless But Not By Choice

Blog Post #1

Just what the title ensues, this is my 1st blog post on my new blog. Infertility Unfiltered.

>insert 1995 AOL voice here< Wel-come.

This might end up being a long one.. so you might wanna go get a snack, maybe a cup of coffee...

I have another blog out  there , more of a "G" rated blog so that my family and friends and read the updates that are happening and such. That's a little more heavier and emotional.
So I wanted to create a second blog. Creating a space where I can be a little bit more real, say what I want, name names or at least go in that direction. Your the only ones I'm sharing this with, so shhh!

I feel like the 'new kid on the block.' I've been reading all of your blogs, and keep up with them a few times a week. I feel like I'm the only one 'just getting started.'  I haven't yet gone through any treatments, just the tests & one small procedure to remove a polyp. But I love to read about all of your different experiences with the processes, whether its a medicated cycle, IUI or IVF. It gives me some sort of clue about whats in store for me. I might of said this before on a comment or two, but let me say how brave you all are for sharing your stories. Whether or not you share your blogs with family & friends, or just strangers on the Internet, your giving someone like me hope, and 'realism.' I'm not sure if that's a word, but we'll stick with it for now.

So here's the low down:  I've been on this infertility ride for just about (in March it will be) 11 years. Now.. that is a long time, but in that time was a long distance relationship... engagement... marriage.. fixing up the house.. cars.. jobs.. and probably most importantly my husbands back. The poor guy has gone through three back surgery's and hes only 32. During the time where I have been secretly (well maybe not since I kept opening my big mouth "I'm ovulating, lets go...") my husband has been in and of major pain, and 2 of the 3 surgery's (the 1st one being when we has 18). So even if I did get pregnant then, it would been really hard to deal with because he wouldn't have been able to help me in any way (i.e getting me ice cream & pickles in the middle of the night, holding baby, etc.) I had to be there for him, helping him move, dress, shower, etc. And of course, if you've read my other blog I lost my very good job that had very good benefits. So I've been in limbo waiting for the opportunity to seek further treatments out.
Alas, I have the perfect job with awesome benefits..  longer story short, everything is just fine with husband. So that was hard to hear that it was definitively me. Even though I kind of already knew it, I feel like it is my "fault."            I know, I know... but still. The doctor also said, that my hemoglobin was just about borderline at 5.7 when they like to see a 6 or below. She also slipped in there that I might have ovarian reserve issues, the number they like to see if 4 and above, and I was 2. I feel kind of dumb, I have no idea what these numbers mean, so I've asked for the results so that I can educate myself. My husband took it upon himself to start preaching when the doctor left the room in his 'important  preacher face' on, talking in a low tone of voice. "You need to lose weight, "I told you so..." You need to start your diet RIGHT NOW or she's going to pull the plug on you.."
1) I don't need a preacher right this second after being told, its my fault, I have no good egss.. and yes.. I'm border line to fat.
2) shut the hell up, she didn't say I couldn't start the protocol, just that I would be watched.
3) shut the hell up.
We're waiting to see what happens with my thyroid levels.. I plan to get my blood test the week of Jan 19th.. hoping to get the green light.. then its go time with the next cycle towards the end of Feb (I have a protocol, but I want to understand the results before I post about it.)

So, the holidays were ok.. I didn't think I was going to be so hyper-sensitive, but I was. I think its because we are actively seeking further assistance, like really actively trying. That its "real" this time. Things upset me, like.. I am the last cousin to have had a baby on my dad's side. Or that I wanted to be the first out of my family to have a boy, to carry the last name. But my loser brother in-law ruined that for me. His wife (second wife, third baby moma - yes.. this loser has three kids by three different women. They all live in another state, so maybe he just forgot?) just gave birth to a boy early Dec, and we found out by accident.
Christmas Eve started off with a bang. I found out after the fact that my MIL was arguing with my DH about when MY period was supposed to start. What?..... Why?.....  Turns out right before I got there, she was asking him.. well really quizzing him and fact checking him about the process we are about to go through.. then he answerer's the best way he knows how..   not that he really knows anything because I AM the one going through all of the protocol.. then she starts to argue "well.. you really don't know when she will start her period.. you know... you cant count on it starting right away.. everyone women is different.. I bet you it wont start when you think its going to start..."  Seriously?? Why are you arguing with my husband about when my period is going to start?
The best part? She has yet to ask me ANYTHING!! I've even bated her in different conversations trying to get her to ask me questions... and nothing..   She's even said before (again.. behind my back) that "I'm just to old now... its been to long..  why try?" I think she's one of those... "I read something on the Internet, so it must be true" type.

Then it was off my to my Grammy's house. This has been a tradition since before I was born (so, over 31 years now). So this puts me in that spot where every cousin has a baby, or two or three.. I find a seat.. and the newest born is in my cousins lap, and she's like "you wanna HOLD THE BABY?"  No thanks.. really.. its ok. "WHY DON'T YOU WANNA HOLD THE BABY?" ugh..   I get up and hide in the kitchen trying to keep my tears under control. Then my dad walks in.. doest really acknowledge me.. nothing that new from him..  so when we get into a stiff conversation I tell him that we are about to go in for treatments.. and hes like “ohhhh nooo… you don’t want to do that..  you don’t want to mess with science…. You shouldn’t be doing this, obviously God doesn't want you to have a baby…”   so I asked.. “ok, and why not?”…      “well this girl who I work with, her sister had treatments and ended up with 5 babies…”  “yea… and this couple we know, that were in their upper 40’s had a retarded baby..”  
“ok.. so 1) it depends on what clinic you go to, it sounds like the girl you work with-friend went to a shoddy clinic.. (again with the "I know someone, who knew someone, who's sister...") and 2) we were genetically tested and neither my husband or I have that “retard” gene..   so there’s your answer to that.”
Meanwhile.. my dad has yet to even look at me when he spewing out negativity towards me… 
He was like like… “well… you shouldn’t be doing this…  your messing with Gods intention.. there’s a reason why you haven't had a kid yet..”  and then he just walks away… like I don’t even exist.    How can a father say and do that??   So.. I’m kind of done with him for now..  I feel like when I do end up pregnant.. that he wouldn’t even want to acknowledge the kid because its.. like.. a fake? Kid.. like its not a real kid b/c I didn’t have it the normal way.. or something.. 

So then of course I go off and cry hysterically while my husband trying to hold in a punch to the face.. we leave shortly thereafter.
The rest of the holiday was ok.. everyone else has been nothing but supportive, or positive.

But I made it through. And a new year will be upon us. I feel like at this point, I need to crawl into my cocoon and just be by myself, well I'll need my husbands sample at some point..  and let everyone around me say what they want.. but I'll be inside my cocoon...  watching bravo TV, reading good books.. and maybe having a baby..