12w4d Perinatal Visit/Scan & Other Thoughts

I tried to write this post yesterday, but usually after these appointments my head is just spinning. Monday I had a visit with the perinatal doctor. I didn't really understand what this visit would entail, so I'm glad I didn't know they were going do to the scan, and measure the back of the neck for any sign of downs. But as soon as I knew it, I started to stress - just a little bit because of course the tech is doing all of the measurements and not saying anything, you get worried. Then ending with "the doctor will be in to see you shortly."
So lets rewind. I had to have my bladder full for this appointment, and that was uncomfortable. My DH and I got there a little earlier, so I sat in the waiting room for almost 40 min needing to pee so bad. The tech was really great, explaining everything along the way. She went nice and slow. Both babies were moving all around and she was all around my stomach with that goo, I might as well just taken my shirt off.
I had a dream that one of them didn't have any legs, so she found both babies had legs, arms, hands and feet. The doctor comes in and starts reviewing my case, and tells me to start taking iron on top of everything else. Having twins, I'm at risk for just about everything. My main concern is gestational diabetes. He recommended a high protein diet, and lower carbs. I knew it was coming, so after the new year I'll have to adjust my diet. Right now, its really just been about what will stay down. Lots of pasta and ice cream, pizza. I haven't gained any weight - so that's good. Good b/c I'm already over 200lbs, so my total weight gain shouldn't get above 20 extra pounds. I imagine I'll start gaining soon as they get bigger in the next 4-6 weeks.
Scan is done, and doctor says everything looks just great. I'm having di di twins (dichorionic diamniotic). Which are apparently the best kind of twins to have, less complications. And the scan of the neck should be between 1 and 3mm and both babies were 1.7. Perfect.

Good news and bad news. Because I possibly might have maybe had a procedure called a leep procedure when I was in high school (just over 15 years ago and they don't have any records of it anymore), they want to keep a close eye on the cervix. So that means I will be seeing the perinatal doctor and getting a sonogram every two weeks until 24 weeks! But.. if my cervix starts to shorten then I'll have to get it stitched up. I honestly don't see that happening. But at least I'll get to see my babies every two weeks.

Other thoughts-
I've seen a few posts of yours about the Christmas holiday with thoughts and feelings, so I wanted to share mine too. Though this Christmas is so different from all my Christmas's before, I remember what it was like to go through a holiday feeling alone. It was a rough start for me at my clinic in November of last year. After going through a little bit more testing than the average infertile, there was a polyp found and needed to be removed, and was done right before thanksgiving. So while my family was eating and enjoying company and drinking. I was stuck at home on the couch in some pain, and still not pregnant. About two weeks later I learned that my thyroid was way out of whack and my doctor changed my dosage and wanted me to wait 9-12 weeks before starting an actual treated cycle. I was so upset. After getting so amped up from getting through all the test, having the polyp removed - I was ready to go. Gimmie that clomid!  This meant, yet another Christmas no pregnant and probably not have started any sort of treatment till almost February. I almost didn't want to participate in any family gatherings because I was just to upset. At my Gram's house, there are a TON of babies, I just didn't think I could do it. But I used the opportunity to spread the word about what I was going through. No one, no one in my family has ever had to go through this. I wanted them to see where we were coming from.

ps. bringing a whole bag of Hershey kisses to work was a bad idea. 'tis the season!

ok - so during Christmas eve my cousin really wanted me to hold the newest newborn and I just didn't want to. She made a really big deal about holding the baby, HOLD THE BABY KIM! IT MIGHT BRING YOU GOOD LUCK. I got up fro my chair and went to the kitchen to hide my tears. My 'dad' then started on me. "You shouldn't be messing with this kind of science. Maybe God doesn't want you to have babies, maybe that's why your not able to have any, your going to end up with a "retard kid." Even his girlfriend chimed in and said "yea, you know, you might end up with like 6 kids. You don't want that do you?"
Saying these things in front of my family on Christmas Eve for heavens sake!!, completely embarrassing me. My dh wanted to punch him in the face. But we got through that night, and I went home and was a complete mess all Christmas long. My husband was really my rock through this time. I just kept focusing on the future, and wanting so badly for 2015 to start.

They may not say it much, or tell you how their feeling, but your family loves you so much and probably thinks about you more times in the day than what to eat for dinner. You are in a lot of people's prayers, even though you may not have your story out there yet. I hope you can feel the love. And let me add myself to your list. You are a sister from another mister to me. Going through treatments, disappointments, etc make us such a special breed of people that we can get through anything. I hope that you also have the love of the Lord on your side. It took me awhile to come back into his arms. And sometimes I still struggle with letting go and letting God. But when I did, miracles happen and they are still happening. I want that for all of you. Know that you are in my prayers and my thoughts.

We're almost there. I'll leave you with a peek of da'babies.
I hope that each of you have a wonderful Christmas. Take the time that you need to yourself, or lean on your husband. Focus on what you do have. And what could be possible for this next year. This year for sure, I've lived by a saying "it will happen the way its supposed to."

Leaving the best for last. These are copies of pictures, its hard to see. I'll have to start playing around with my printer at home to see if I can make better copies.

12w 4 days. They are each about 3" long rear to head. 

His little hand is by his nose. We keep calling him a 'he.' :)

   

I have big deadline at work, so I most likely wont be able write much until after Christmas, maybe Christmas day since I plan on being home most of the day and its my only day off really.
so until then -
With much LOVE  <3

Moving Right Along....

We had our 1st OB appointment yesterday. So much information to process, and it still feels unreal to me. I almost didn't know how to respond when people kept telling me 'congratulations.'

1st was the sonogram, and it was on the belly!! I was fully prepared to get my feet in the stirrups, but the tech was like, um what are you waiting for? get on the table. So that was a nice change of pace. No more Dr.Stick!
She pressed kind of hard down on the lower abdomen and we immediately saw them. And they were both moving around this time, almost like reacting to the push they are getting by putting up their little hands like "what they heck lady?"  I guess it was because it was belly time, we couldn't really see the familiar flicker on the screen, but he did HEAR it! It was amazing glorious everything. I just don't even know what to think. I'm just stunned, but I'm so happy. And of course she doesn't really let us stop and stare at them, it was picture -measure-done. Can I tell them to slow down?
My subchorionic hemorrhage is almost gone too! Down to 1 cm which is great. I haven't had any bleeding/spotting for a while, so I hope its almost over.

Then we met with the ob/nurse coordinator. She was nice. A bunch of questions, and I had some in return. Got a whole lotta paperwork to read through about all the testing. I touched on them in 2 of the books I'm reading, but I need to go back and really take notes.

Every time I would make an appointment at this practice, it would be with a different doctor. So after the nurse, we went on to the pap part (ugh) and met one of the doctors. I really liked her, and she smelled good.
Overall it was a good experience. I forgot snacks, so I was already starving afterwards and had a small headache.

Because I'm having twins, I'll be high risk. So I made an appointment with the high risk/perinatal doctor for the 21st, and I'll get to see my babies again. I have an appointment with the thyroid doc next Friday, and I still need to see my gastroenterology doc. Oy Vey.  

So, the babies. Are measuring 2 days ahead now and my due date has been moved three times now. From July 4th, to July 2nd, and now June 30th. And I turned 11 weeks today-instead of on Saturday. Which is fine by me. Also means, that as of next week I'm in my 12th week! It's so hard to imagine. I'm not really showing yet. I kind of already have a tummy from being, um... curvy. So I don't know when I'll actually start to have pregnancy belly. So until, no belly pics from me - sorry! I can definitely tell the uterus is getting harder.

Symptoms:

• Headaches galore. 
• Boobs hurt and they are growing. 
• Small morning sickness. Tooth past bothers me, I threw up in the shower (cause I brush my teeth in the shower). Banana's now bother me. The director of finance saw me running out of the office area and into the bathroom with my hand covering my mouth, so she of course knows. There are a few people in the office that know, but not everyone. 
• Tired. All.of.the.time.

And here they are: 10w 6days

#MicroblogMondays - There's Always That One

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too. 

There's always that one at your work place, retail and professional setting in my case. One that you just can't stand, or don't get a long with. The one who is out to get you, for no apparent reason. I even woke up with a headache this morning because (I call her the wicked witch of the west) she is just so evil, and I'm not entirely not sure how she's still employed.
I've mentioned her before, but last night she went in for a power play. And because I'm pregnant, I go so angry that I just cried, so she saw weakness when I really wanted to ring her neck with register tape. I'm giving myself a few more months at this job (job #2) before I quit, and it will be then where I'll get to say my peace, and boy I will. I imagine an epic show down, and I'll walk out the door and pretend to drop the imaginary mic. ha!

However, in a professional stetting you'd think there would be more of a political correctness. Well, not with this one. I call this one 'Queen B' (for Queen B*tch). She just thinks she runs the show. When in reality, huny you order supplies, and make copies of things. Lately shes been giving me problems. I have never done anything to this women, yet she seems to be threatens by me in some way. The latest episode was that there was a soda that exploded in the freezer. I just happened to have discovered this treasure and thought I'd be nice and start to clean it up. Well that just made me guilty and obviously I was the one who drank orange soda and I was trying to clean up my mess. WRONG. But she tired to blame me anyways. After going up and down the hallway asking everyone "WHO DRINKS ORANGE SODA????" She came to me as the conclusion. So I had to come out of the pregnancy closet and say, "No dear, it wasn't me. I don't drink soda any more because I'm pregnant!" She just kind of looked at me was like "oh."   No apology, no nothing.  And then went on with her buisness. She did her deed with spreading it around that it was me, but didnt do anythign to correct it. So I did. And I made her look like the fool she is. A few people knew I was pregnant and didn't beleive her. But now, (then at 8 1/2 weeks) everyone knows I'm pregnant when I wanted to keep it a secret until I started to show. I didn't want to go through the embarrassment of maybe losing them or one of them and then having to tell everyone again, like last time.

I'd love to hear your stories. Maybe come up with a support group to deal with these types of women. They're just awful.

Keeping this short and sweet, perhaps I'll turn this into another series. "The One Stories."

Until Then - - Happy Monday :)

Graduation

I can hardly believe it. I'm filled with emotion today and I'm pregnant crying over everything. This morning was my last appointment with my clinic. I have graduated.
I'm not sure what this journey would bring when I started 'officially' with our clinic last year. I had a feeling I would end up pregnant, but I didn't know what kind of fights I would end up fighting in the war of infertility and how long of a battle it would be. This past year alone was a very difficult one. From a poylp, to thyroid issues, to miscarriage, to disappointment after disappointment. I just didn't know.
My miscarriage has affected me in ways I never knew they would. How much of a scar it has left. At least right now, it was only 8 months ago, I guess. You think your over it, and its in the past and your trying your best to have your head in the hear and now. But early in this pregnancy I woke up every morning in fear. Every time I went to the bathroom, fear. Every appointment I had was filled with anxiety until I saw those heartbeats. Would the next appointment show no heartbeat? Then to have that hemorrhage and scare me half to death. I thought it was over then. I would go in to the doctor's and it would be over, and I would have to try again. Could I even try again?

Today, at 9 weeks 4 days, everything is just wonderful. They're measuring perfect, with perfect little heartbeats. I still had anxiety this morning, probably b/c I'm still spotting (leftover's from the hem). But afterwards, I feel a lot more at ease, like maybe this will all be ok. Like "I'm going to make it."

I wasn't sure what to think about this appointment and the things that would happen. The sonographer (spelling?)  was sloppy this time and we got horrible pictures and videos, but we saw one of them MOVING!!!!  See mom? I'm here!  That filled my heart with so much love for these beings. (I'm crying now btw).
The appointment all together was quick. The doctor gave me a folder full of my paperwork and records, said "good luck" and we left. Just like that. I know that my doctor runs out of three different offices, and she's only in my office on Friday's. But I don't think my nurse was there either.
Just after lunch my doctor did send me an email, so I'll email her back and I'll send off a separate email to my nurse.
I'm thankful that I have our 1st actual OB appointment next week. So that will be three weeks in a row where I'll get to see these little buggers. I need to start doing my research on what type of questions to ask, any suggestions?

I can't get the video to work, and again the pictures are really bad you can't even tell that they're anything. So I'll wait to next week. Maybe I'll just video the whole thing myself just to be sure.

By the way. We did announce to our parents - but more on that later. It wen't completely different than what I thought it would be.

Happy Hump Day!
Until Next Time -

Subchorionic Hemorrhage & a Milestone

Seems as if it was my turn for a scary and traumatic event.
Monday night, I got home from my 2nd job at 11'ish and I felt kind of uncomfortable. I took a shower and laid down, and I had a bad cramp. Kind of like I ate to much fiber and I had stomach knots and just needed to poop. I woke up quarter to 1am with a pressure of needing to pee, but as soon as I stood up a gush of blood came out. I made it to the toilet ok and was just kind of stunned. Is this really happening right now? Am I miscarrying? When I wiped I had some tissue and that's when I called my husband. He took one look at me and looked down and it almost seemed as if he completely deflated. I started to cry and struggled to get off the toilet because I was to scared to even look down or even stand up.
I got a pad on and sat on the floor in my bedroom and just whaled, cried, shake, rocking back and fourth. It was just terrible.
I called the on-call nurse at the clinic. She had said, that if I was miscarrying that the ER can't stop it from happening. To ride it out at the comfort of your home and get to the doctors 1st thing in the morning. So that's what I did. I'm not sure how if even if I slept the whole night as I was still kind of in shock. A thousand thoughts flying through my head, but mostly it was just "why? why would God take away my twins, why would he do that?" One thing I did notice was after the initial bleed, it stopped (other than when wiping).

We got to the doctors around 9am. The on-call nurse must have alerted everyone who handled my case, everyone was so nice and seemed concerned for us. I just love my doctors.
When we got into the room and they dived right in. Babies were there, and they were perfect. What happened was a Subchorionic Hemorrhage. From all the googling I did (because of course I did not retain any of the information the doctor was spouting off), its a blood clot or a collection of blood clots that are right next to the placenta and it can tare away. So that's what happened.They did still see blood when they did the sonogram yesterday. I'm still bleeding here and there and will continue to do so for a couple days.  So I'm a bed rest of sorts. I took the rest of the week off from Job #2 and today is the last day this week for job #1 and I get to rest for a couple days.
My DH, on the way home was like, you realize that we made it past 8 weeks? And I completely forgot about that milestone. We made it past 8 weeks!

I was supposed to have my final appointment today, and have "graduated." But the doctor wants to see me one last time, and to make sure there isn't any more complications. So I get to have a 'real' last appointment next Wednesday. Then coincidentally I have my 1st OB appointment that following Wednesday. It will be two weeks in a row where I'll get to see my little nuggets.

Today I am 8 weeks & 3 days. This is the longest I have ever been pregnant. So from here on out, things will be new to me. And scary for me. As each week passes, I think "wow!" I made it this far! And I don't think this will be an easy pregnancy, but I will do whatever it takes for these little ones.

It's also Thanksgiving. While I'm excited for homemade mashed 'tators and turkey, I'd like to say how thankful I am for my Lord and Savior. I had to ask forgiveness for ever questioning him, especially after Monday morning. But I am completely in line with Him and leaning on him for his guidance. And all I ever need to do is just pray, call on Him and he is there. Always.
I am forever grateful for my husband. He has really come a long way, WE have really come a long way in all of this, and he is there hand in foot for me every time. Love him dearly.
I am also grateful for my clinic. My doctors, my nurses. Even the ones who take my blood every visit. They are so helpful, understanding, smart, happy. I am sad to leave them, to go to a 'factory' setting in a few weeks.

I've saved the best for last, I'll try my best to get the video uploaded here.

8 week, 3 days

I hope and pray that you have a wonderful time off. I also know how lonely it can be, and how hard it is to get through the holidays. It is completely normal to feel this way. I don't know how I did it for so long.

Until next time!

Houston, We have heartbeats!!!!

You read that right. That was a plural. There were two. There ARE two. 

Oh my God, I'm having twins. Though, I always catch myself - I might have twins. This damn miscarriage has really scarred me. I almost feel like I can't be happy because "you just don't know."
But today I am relieved to see heartbeats for both babies. Everything measured great and I'll give the stats below with my 1st picture.

I prayed hard last night. Out loud with both hands on my belly.
"Lord, please take this anxiety away from me. I thank you for everything, I have never been more grateful than I am now. I have a great job with awesome benefits. I am going to one of the best clinics in the Mid-Atlantic region. I have such great resources. And that's all thanks to you. You are all deserving. The only thing I can pray tonight Lord, is that your will be done. I can pray all night long that there's a baby in there and that its alive. But I only pray that your will be done. Amen."

I feel asleep like a champ, but woke up early. Seems my dogs like to steal the blankets and then wake up early to the sounds my cats make. Awesome.

I didn't have to much anxiety in the morning. I just kept breathing, and leaning on the Lord. Lord you got this. But I have prepared myself for either outcome.

Almost as soon as we checked in, we were ushered into the sonogram room. I sat on the table with my eyes closed and just repeated to myself and the Lord - Lord you will be done, Lord your will be done.
I was bracing myself for a loss. When I saw the screen I thought they were looking at my ovary's 1st, the doctor was counting out loud, ".....3? ... nope... 2?  yep, I see 2?"    
WHAT!?
Yep, there's two in there. It was hard for me to not start to all out bawl my eyes out. I just kept staring at the screen. Just watching at this amazingness. They zoomed in on each baby, saw a glorious heart beat for both. Both measured great, with sacks, and poles and all that jazz.

I'm in shock, but I'm also not surprised.  My high beta's kinda led me on. Then small things, like day dreaming about twins for the last week or so. And I've been out of breath doing the most normal things, because my body is working so hard for these two babies. I even said to my friend on our walk yesterday, I was catching my breath - its probably because I'm carrying more than one. And here we are today! I told her and my other best friend.

My mind is still set on getting through each appointment. But I also don't know how much longer I'll have before I start to show. Any twin mom's out there - at what week did you start noticing the beginnings of a bump?
Our next appointment is at 8 weeks 4 days, otherwise known as Nov 25th. Presuming everything looks good, I'll be moving onto a regular OB and I'm kind of scared about that. I've been with my clinic for over a year now and I LOVE them. I LOVE my team and I absolutely love my doctor.

So here we go:

6 weeks 3 days

Baby A:

CRL Calculated Gest Age: 6.1

Gest Sac Calculated Gest Age: 5.6

Yolk Sac: 2.5

FHR: 122

Baby B:

CRL Calculated Gest Age: 6.4

Gest Sac Calculated Gest Age: 6.3

Yolk Sac: 2.7

FHR: 117

Now I just need to think of some cute nick names for these little ones. 

Ultra Sound Eve

I've been quiet, but busy. Not a lot to say either. Except tomorrow is our 6+ week ultra sound where I expect to see a heart beat. I'm ultra nervous. This is the next big hurdle to face and step over. As the hours pass, my hear beat is increasing.
I feel about 50/50 right now. I was freaking myself out last week about the MTHFR gene mutation. Seems a lot of you have had to deal with this, and is common with PCOS.
And I find myself googling early signs of miscarriage. And I haven't had any - but is the progesterone I'm taking blocking any blood from exiting the uterus?  Is that even a thing?  That's a question I'll be asking tomorrow.

My DH keeps telling our dogs that we're going to have a baby brother next year, and I keep telling him to stop talking like that. I haven't gotten that far yet. I can't see farther than a few weeks ahead right now. Even till 8 weeks, 10 weeks, 12 weeks...  its a long ways a head.

Symptom update:
Bloated most days.
Still a mixed bag of constipation and the opposite. But I am going at least once a day.
Sore boobs.
I do feel my uterus getting a little bit harder, especially when I lean up on the counter/cabinet at my register (@ job#2).
And still really tired.

Not much else going on.
My cousin just announced her pregnancy. And it still stung. Going by her due date, its only 4 weeks ahead of mine, which means she just announced at 8'ish week. I have told some people. But will not make a 'mass' announcement for a long while now. And really, until people start noticing. I just can't bare the thought of another loss and everyone knowing. I almost fb'd her and told her she should have kept quiet, that she doesn't know what could happen in the near future. But I didn't. Instead I just kept off facebook the rest of the day and minded my own business.

Anyways, I gotta get changed for my personal training tonight. I'm hoping that should take care of this anxiousness I've got going on.
Please pray for me, and the outcome of the morning.

I will share the results when I'm able.

Thank you! <3 <3

Until next time - -

Beta Results: Treatment Cycle #2

10/23 Beta #1 214  @ 13dpo/cd26 ~ Results-Timed Trying, triggering on Oct 8th
10/26 Beta #2 747  @ 16dpo/cd29 ~ 72 Hours
10/28 Beta #3 1448 @ 18dpo/cd31 ~ 72 Hours

Today I'm 4 weeks and 2 days. I'm staring at these numbers, and I still can't truly believe it. I need to pick up those books again and start reading. I even dared myself to open my baby app back up (pregnancy +), but I haven't moved the app from the 'hidden 3rd page' on my phone to the main screen just yet. Why is it so hard to accept? Why is so hard to move past the big "what if"? Will I always feel like this? I never really knew if I'd see another positive. But I think I'm doing the best I can, its still day by day, appointment by appointment. And I'm sure my feelings will change once I see that heartbeat of his. (DH has always thought we're having a boy 1st). I will finally see that its real and that he's there.

I've already told some people. People who I see everyday that I just can't hide my smile from. I've told my bosses at job #2, but I've waited until today to tell my boss at job #1. And I'll have to tell her to keep it a secret this time. Last time, she told one person, then that person told the next, etc etc.  So when I did lose the baby EVERYONE knew and it was humiliating.

What am I feeling?
Definitely the boob tenderness, at some points in the day its worse. And I feel like they're 'fuller,' not necessarily bigger yet.
Bloating, and gas (more burps than anything)
Headaches.
A few cramps here and there, more like a heaviness.
Mixed bag of constipation and looseness.
TIRED. Like, I'm probably going out to my car at lunch to take a nap.


Plans for the rest of the week.  I'm trying to focus and get a lot done this week at job#1, but its not working. I'm desperately trying to get done these bank reconciliations, and I don't have the energy to research any of these variances. ugh.
I don't work job#2 till Saturday, so it's great that I can chill out this week. I do have a training planned with my personal trainer on Friday. I'm hoping he'll read up on prenatal care. But I don't expect to do anything hard core from here on out.

This is all I can manage to write at this point. I'm just staring at my screen, so I'll end it now.

If I don't get back on here, have a wonderful weekend to all.

Until Then - -

I'm SO Bad at Keeping Secrets

Yea those unofficial results?  I guess nothing is official until its official right?

Today I went in for my blood draw/beta.  Normal. The girl asked me if I cheated and I said, well yes I did and its a no. So she's like well ok, but lets just see.  In my mind I'm like, yea ok.

I didn't even think twice, I was more focused on whether I should try for an IUI next or not. Whats my thyroid thinking, is the demon going to play games with me.
So I went on about my day, reading all of your blogs. Some of you just gave birth, and are probably giving birth right now - hence your absence from posting *wink wink*

So the nurse calls me, not my usual nurse, a nurse from another office. Weird I thought, but ok.

Nurse: Hello, is this *******?
Me: Yes this is she.
Nurse: Well I have some good news for you.  
Me: huh?
Nurse: You have a beta of 214!, Your pregnant!    
Me: No I'm not!
Nurse: Yes you are!    
Me: No I'm not!
Nurse: Yes you are! Now stop it, you have to come in Monday and again Wednesday, and you know that the important thing is that they double.
Me: Yes. Ok.   >scheduled time for Monday morning<
Nurse: (by this time I'm hysterically crying in my office with the door shut) Are you ok? Everything is fine, at this moment in time you are pregnant so be excited.
Me: Sniffles, yes! Thank you!
Nurse: Have a good weekend.
Me: Sniffles, yes thanks you too.

As soon as she said the word "good" I completely lost it. Luckily I shut my office door just in time.
I reacted the same exact way I did last time. I just hypercried, and kept saying "oh my God" over and over again, and shaking.

Officially I'm pregnant. That could change, and I know this now. But I'm excited. Sunday night? I'll be a nervous wreck. This was a huge hurdle to get over, and there will be many..many more.

And now I'm also remembering that my regular endocrine doctor said I was high risk for another mc based on my thyroid levels.
My heart rate is still racing, and I need to calm down. And my boobs are starting to hurt, like all of a sudden.
>deep breath<
I put a phone call in to my endocrine doctor to see what she wants me to do, another blood draw probably to check my TH levels. So I'm waiting to hear back from her.

This week I've sat back and reflected about these treatments. It was going to be my intention to write a sliver linings post, trying to focus on the positive rather on the negative.
I will anyways. And if I need to Monday or Wednesday or 2 weeks from now I can look back at this list and be grateful.

1) Going through all of this, preg #1, car accident, waiting, treatments and now preg #2 it has brought me closer to God. I still struggle with wanting to let go, and complain about "why not me, its my time!!"  Today was a huge wake up call. That I should have trusted him more. I need to trust him more.

2) I have PCOS, but I've had regular cycles for at least 5+ years now. Not many women too. And I ovulate consistently.

3) I've gotten pregnant now twice without serious medical assistance.

4)  My DH swimmers are great.

5) I'm still "young"   (they keep saying that!!)

6) I'm responding to the medicines that I am on, while on treatments.

7) I have insurance coverage, that covers a lot.

8) I have a great support system. My friends are DA-BOMB and my DH is pretty awesome too.

9) I have a great clinic and and awesome team (nurse & Doctor)

I'm sure there's more, but I'm beginning to lose focus again. And I need to get something done during this work day.
Ok, so say a little prayer for me and my...... BABY for Monday morning. Praying that these levels DOUBLE!!

Until Then - -

By the way, I'm scared shitless.

Unofficial Results Are In...

Oh boy. Had I written this yesterday I'm not sure how I would have gotten through with out sounding like a sobbing idiot with tears on her keyboard - at work.

I had such a high hope with this cycle. The doctors and nurses made such a big deal about this one, I've never heard the words "to many eggs" ever said to me. We did everything as directed. I had made a deal with myself, that if I started to feel symptoms that I would give myself permission to take a hpt. So I thought I was starting to feel things over the weekend, breast tenderness was the main one. I took a hpt test on Monday morning, and it was negative. I looked at it, and thought "well, shit, ok" and just stared it at for a min longer, maybe searching for that faint line. I was on the fence about it, leaning more towards it being negative just b/c I didn't feel anything else, and that it could've been a side effect of the progesterone. Could have been to early, but I get my beta done on Friday. I don't think I'm magically going to get pregnant in 4 days.

Then the rest of the morning I was again surprisingly inconsolable. I know what treatments mean, I know there will be more rounds of this than I can count on one hand (probably), that there will be more than one BFN's.  I just couldn't stop crying, it was out of my control. Snot running down my nose, eyes were red and puffy. I hid behind my hair and hoped no one saw me. When the snot got to much to handle and I ran out of tissues at my desk I got up and went to the bathroom and washed my face with cold water and held a cold tissue to my eyes. I kept looking at myself in the mirror telling myself "It's going to be ok, its going to be ok" I almost couldn't even look myself in the eyes, but I did. And the crying stopped. I took a couple of deep breaths and walked back to my office.
I'd be ok until someone asked me how I was doing. I ran into a women in the copier room and she just looked at me, I froze and literally ran away from her. I think she could tell there was something wrong.
I was listening to christian music on pandora and sometimes I get so into the songs that I cry because at that moment I feel like I am surrounded by Gods love - that I just cry. Maybe I should have turned the channel to a comedy channel. And maybe I shouldn't have taken a test before a work day. Lesson learned.

Headphones on, listening to "folk" ish music - In reflection today, I'm asking the question "why?" I had 4 opportunities right there. DH sperm is fine, more than fine actually. So whats not happening to make this not happen?
For this reason I will not be doing a 3rd timed trying. Its just to much to get through. Between trying to fit "it" in, in b/t jobs sometimes, having the pressure on my husband to complete the mission. I feel less in control with these rounds.

I'm still waiting to hear back from the doctor on what I should/can do about the next cycle (in regards the thyroid drama), which would be an IUI. I feel like, unsettled or something. Almost like I need her as my RE (and not E) and as the 2nd opinion to tell me what to do. If it were up to me, I would do one IUI and take December off. I'll end up calling my nurse on Thursday morning to see if they can add a TH test to the blood drawing and let me know my results same day. Otherwise, I'd be waiting until next week, +3 days waiting for results only to be told then, yes you can proceed, or no you cant there's actually something seriously wrong with your thyroid and not just the demon inside of it.

SO. That's where I'm at today. I feel bloated b/c I ate a pint of ice cream and I haven't worked out in a few and made the mistake of drying my pants instead of air dry. AND moron new guy made the schedule for job#2 and scheduled me 31 hours this week (on top of the 40+ that I already work for job#1). Aparrrrrentlly he didn't know that I had a FT job? So after working 8 hours Sunday, I work the next three days in a row, 16 hour days. Friday might be a day where I need to run down to the special pharmacy to pic up meds, then work again on Saturday. It's not going to be fun at all.

I'm THIS close to signing up for a 5k or 5 mile race to take the focus off of fertility, plus I hope it will help with the weight. I also have to stop drinking yummy mocha's from Panera and eating pints of ice cream.

I shouldn't but I'm probably getting taco bell for dinner. But that's it! I promise.

You'll most likely here from me on Friday.
Until then - -

Thyroid Drama

On top of having PCOS (which is awe-some btw) I also have thyroid issues. And apparently there is a demon in my thyroid. And it's mad at me for whatever reason.

I'm not entirely sure why, but my levels rarely stay "normal." It's either to high, to low, or just barely there (should I nick name my thyroid Goldilocks?). I get blood drawn and in to see the doc every 4-6 months because of that. About this time last year, maybe end of Nov actually my thyroid was to high, to the fact that I had to wait 9 weeks before starting treatments because of a dosage change. I ended up getting pregnant in the middle of those 9 week and my levels were still high, so my dosage was adjusted again based on the pregnancy factor. Then a few weeks later they were going back down to normal, dosage adjustment again, but then I had miscarried and a few weeks later my levels were perfect. Ok, good. sort of.

My levels were perfect in April, so I didn't need to see the doctor again for 6 months (i.e on Tuesday). Having perfect levels, and no huge changes in my daily routines I had no reason to think otherwise when I started treatments in Sept, then again this last week+. So I never really thought to get my blood tested before hand.

I probably should have, and will do from this point forward. No reason to get excited for treatment if its halted and I fall down hard from it.

Quick lesson for non demon thyroid issue people. A good level for the TH is .05-1.5, sooooometimes 2 is "ok"...   well mine was 3.45. So super duper low, almost as if the thyroid isn't even functioning with medicine. As soon as the doc showed me her computer screen I lost it, hysterical cry. Whats wrong with me? Why does my thyroid hate me so much? Why does this little tiny thing in my neck have so much power on my body?  I wasn't in the right mind to ask why such a huge jump could have happened, maybe there is an underlying problem?  I'll ask that question soon, but there is a plan.

The plan is, get my blood drawn again in two weeks (27th) to see if my levels are headed in the right direction. If they are, then regular endocrine doc says I can move forward. BUT, the timing couldn't be worse, if this cycle I'm in now doesn't work, my cd1 for next cycle would be the 26th or 27th.
Then get my blood drawn again 4 weeks later for a total of 6 weeks for the new dosage to take affect.

Because of this, my endocrinologist wants me to wait a cycle . And I had already decided to not cycle for December. To much going on, and I want to avoid the whole "Merry Christmas, your not pregnant....again...." Which means, no more treatments till next year. Because of the very abnormally low thyroid level, I'm also at high risk for another miscarriage if I am pregnant this cycle (I wont find out till the 23rd, or before if I break down and take a hpt). Double suck. I was pretty devastated.

It took some time to sort of get over this and this morning I emailed my doctor for a second opinion of sorts. I'm kind of thinking, I just did two cycles with a demon thyroid, so whats one more? By the time I get my blood drawn again, my levels should be moving in the right direction, so by the time if/when I get pregnant from the 3rd cycle I should be ok.
But if she says, wait, I will wait.

Meanwhile I'm in the midst of my TWW, and I keep looking at my app tracker obsessing over what dpo day it is (btw I'm 5dpo/cd18).  I've taken progesterone enough I think to see the side effects is has on me, and really its only been cramping. And I also feel like I can tell the difference b/t a pregnancy cramp and a medicine/period cramp because it feels odd, stretchy sort of feeling. So I'm starting to pay attention to what my body is saying.. and so far nothing.
Why do we do this to ourselves?

Needless to say, my week hasn't been fantastic. AND its pregnancy & infant loss remembrance day, ANNNND my due date was last week (the 9th). So I'm one big ball of emotions right now ready to explode. I'm going to try and fit in a run tonight. Working out has been a huge help that has been keeping me afloat.

**Edited Update:
I put on my fb status that I am 1 in 4, so my SIL asked, what is that? I explained that 1 in 4 pregnancy/infants end in miscarriage/death, so I am 1 in 4. She ask's in return, Are you pregnant? huh?    ...... that would be a "no."   >insert blank stare here<

There are those of you who are going through some really hard times right now, and I hope that you know that you have a perfect stranger who is praying and thinking about you. It can be so hard to figure out your plan, and its a constant struggle - at least for me it. I'm a control/planner freak. So when things don't go my way  - I get really upset. But I am reminded of how awesome our God is. And how awesome His timing is. He hear's us all, and is desperately holding out his arms for us, just have to remember to get up, wipe away the tears, and open up our arms to receive him.

Do it with me..
>Deep breath<

"Things will happen the way their supposed to, according to His timing."
One step at a time, that's all you have to focus on. Get through that next appointment.

With <3
Until next time - -

Treatment Cycle #2 October 2015

Timed Trying #2

*I will have written this each day to avoid mult postings. 

I know it seem's a little redundant to do another timed trying. But I feel like such a rookie at all this. I'm down for trying a few slower treatments in order to see how my body reacts to the medicines, to get an idea of what treatment is all about. Also giving my own body a chance to conceive sort of  on its own. Plus I'm just not in a place right now in my life where we should just dive into IVF. I'm not financially ready or physically ready. Or even have enough vacation/sick leave to use when/if I get pregnant like right now. The local govt I work for choose not to have short term disability, in which I would have normally used while off for the 8'ish week. So I will have to save every ounce of vacation and sick leave, and try to earn 2 weeks comp time so I will get a full paycheck. 

I confirmed the negative Friday Sept 25th, and stopped progesterone that night. It proved me wrong, and it did hold off my period from starting. But I tell ya, she came back with a vengeance on Monday afternoon, and thankfully before 5:00 (or if it was after, my clinic considers the next day CD1). 

My cramps hurt so bad I was nauseous (btw I had a rough time spelling that). 

So here goes:

Medications:
2,000 mg Metformin
100 mcg Synthroid
Prenatals
5x50mg Clomid
2xBravelle 75iu
Ovidrel 250 mcg
40mg Protonics for GERD/Acid reflux as needed

CD1-CD3: Rough start. I feel like I could have used an IV for IB Profin. My DH birthday just happened to be Monday too, so he was kind of upset that he couldn't "get his present." Ha! Had my day 3 appointment, 10 folly's to work with. And I start clomid tonight. My nurse is pretty wonderful. She's going to email me the calendar of the days on med's.

CD4-CD9: (cd4):So it begins. My 5 day fog, I'll coin the term. Maybe its because I just worked 16 hours yesterday, but this triple tall extra hot peppermint mocha -is not helping at.all. I started clomid last night. I still feel sort of bloated from the first couple days. I've not had a 28 day cycle in a long time, so I think my body is just adjusting to the new time table. (cd5-cd7): Friday I was so tired all day long, almost like the clomid has made its way into my blood stream and I'm feeling the effects. I couldn't drive back from P'burg, we stopped half way and DH took over. (cd7): Injection day, I did a better job of mixing and needle switching, but this time the stick hurt and it burned just a little, last day of clomid.(cd8)Felt pretty good all day. My trainer canceled so I ran some errands and ended up at my local park for a walk, but ended up running 3 miles on top of the 1 mile I walked. Felt so good. (cd9): Cramping some in the afternoon. Injection #2 tonight, again, kinda hurt and stung.

CD10-CD11: (cd10): Today was the follow up to see how many, and the growth. They were running behind, so they didn't take their time to explain. But they did say that I have 2 eggs around 15mm, and a few other 11mm. I'll wait to hear the results later today. I'm not sure whether to be excited, or nervous b/c they might cancel the cycle. As of now, not triggering tonight and I'm going back tomorrow to see the growth. But I will say this... I had a dream last night that I was pregnant with triplets. ek! (cd11) Went in for another monitoring apt. One of the15mm eggs grew to 18mm, and the other 20+mm. 1 of the 11mm grew to 16mm, still have one 11mm left. That's three solid chances. Remember that dream? yea.
Was VERY worried about being canceled based on the reaction this morning. The doctor actually called me back this afternoon and warned me about the odds of multi's and asked if I was open to embryo reduction. I had already thought about this awhile ago, and even discussed this with the DH. We're open to it. There's testing they can do, but I would to have to carry until 12 weeks. But I'm open to it. For that reason, the doc is letting me move forward with this cycle. Doc said my LH is very high, but wants me to trigger tonight anyways. Then baby dance tonight, tomorrow and Saturday morning for good measure. Then I'll start progesterone Saturday.

CD12-CD13: (cd12) Did the baby dance. Though, today was really about remembering what would have been. Today was supposed to be the day I gave birth. I had the whole day planed out, but my morning was kinda crazy, but the spa day I had planned worked out great. It was perfect. It was nice to be home in the afternoon, DH took me out to dinner and we did the BD. (cd13)Last chance BD, then started progesterone in the pm.

Today its 2dpo / cd15. Let the 2WW commence.

I'm again, stacking up my two weeks with so much stuff. That really helped a lot last time. I'm going to try and wait as long as I can before I break down and take a hpt.
So today, I work job#1, then I have an hour of personal training. I work both jobs Tuesday & Friday and the other nights I'll stay active with either training or bootcamp or running.

The next and last cycle of the year will be an IUI (should I need it). And I'm pretty relieved about it. It really takes the pressure of me & DH. I feel like we could be more of a couple than having to worry about getting "it" in time, b/t jobs, etc. And then I can also get back to saving, then having to worry about "how much this is going to cost me."

That about does it! Until next time  - -

#MicroBlogMonday: Losing

 

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is?Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Without Big Ben, I knew this would be an 'iffy' game and of course we did loose. Vick is just not the man he used to be. And our kicker (is there a different name for this? Cause I'm going around saying "kicker") was terrible. It was a tough loss. I talked some pretty good game before I left (I'm in MD, so Ravens are 'The' team to follow). So now I'm hanging my head today.
But! DH and I had a good time. Its such a good feeling when your in a stadium and there is a good play, everyone jumps up from their seats and waves that terrible towel, and high fives. My hands hurt so bad from clapping so long. And there was a band playing in the section below us. Reminded me of when I would go to my College football games (Go Gamecocks!! - even though they lost this weekend as well....).  There were some Ravens fans in the stadium that night, and a few were escorted out. There's always a fight among the drunken men, but it provided some comedy for the night.
The next day I had the idea of doing a stadium tour for DH's birthday. It was a neat experience, and
the best part was being on the field. I've included some pictures below.
With this impending big bad hurricane that was supposed to hit, it didn't hit P'burg and the weather couldn't have been better!
I look forward to having Big Ben back when we're in Ravens home and winning.

Our seats for the night. The picture doeskin do real life justice. It looks like we're far away. 

On the field. 

Beer, that is carried through out the stadium.

We're in the suits. Kinda small. But if you have a cool 45,000/year you can have one too!

Yes, ladies and Gentleman - there are SIX trophies. 

The history of the terrible towel, started in 1945.

On the field. 

View of suits lining that part of the stadium.

View of the field from the suits.

Locker room. Nothing fancy - at least on 'non' game days.

#MicroblogMonday: Confessions of a Grocrey Store Cashier Part 2

It's time I start a list of things you can do to improve your shopping experience, and/or a list of things never to do while in line at your local grocery store.
This list is comprised from real life situations, so without further adieu:

1) Very easy, even if it's the small handheld basket - empty your items onto the belt. Usually, the cashier is being timed for items per minuet and how fast the transaction is. Plus, there is usually a line of 3+ people. Empty your basket to help things move along quickly.

2) McD's say's is best. HAVE YOUR MONEY READY. I'll add in another tip in with this one b/c it ties in well. While I'm bagging your items, don't just stand there staring at me. While your staring at me, I'll placing your bagged items at the end of my register for YOU to place them into your cart so that you can quickly leave the line. So fumbling around for your credit card while I stare back at you is no fun for me or the people standing behind you.

3) I completely understand (for the most part) that you would need state assistance. But... and this is a big but. Do not ever complain about it. Ever. Don't ever complain that you don't have enough to cover your groceries. Don't ever complain that the FOOD card doesn't cover your cigarette purchase. Don't ever complain that you also have the cash side of the ebt card, and that you "only get so much to cover gas."  I, am working TWO jobs. Over 65 hours every week to make ends meet and be able to save for fertility treatment. I have never gotten a hand out, nor would I probably ever take one. It's just not my style. 99% of the time I can rise above your comments. But there was one time I just had to say something.

4) Guess what, I have to scan your items BEFORE I can use your coupon. Save them for the end of the transaction. And do not (again) stand there staring at me while holding the coupons in my face. Yes, I see them. Now back away from my bubble while I complete your transaction. I will get them at the end.

5) One more for good measure. And this is another important one. Do not ever take the bags out from my bagging area. Most of the time I'm trying to bag efficiently so most of the time I'm not done bagging your items until I physically remove them myself. And most of the time, the bags stick together, so if you do go for it, your going to pull the whole sh'bang right off and that will just be plain annoying. Even while the bags are empty - do not grab.

I could go on for days, but we can always make this a series :)

See that big red"X".. yea, don't ever go in that area.
Source of picture: The internet. 

.......And the Fertility Award Winner is...??

Not me. Not this time. I'll drown my sorrows in some Chinese tonight, but gotta pick myself up. I scheduled an hour training with my personal training tomorrow morning to work it all out. Life moves on.


This morning was a bit of a whirlwind. Since I now have 4 animals, its up to me to take the dogs out one last time. I had to make sure my DH took the food and water away last night, and I had to to then make sure the dogs had water before I left. I forgot that part, so after dropping off the kittens, I raced back home to give doggys water, then raced over the mountains and through the wood (literally) to make my 8:30 appointment at the clinic.
My kittens are being neutered/spayed (I have a boy and girl kittens) today. I had noticed some crusty blood or snot (?) around the boys nose. I wonder if its just from horseplay. But I asked the vet to look into it. If they don't call me this morning, then everything is fine.
But I am also awaiting two phone calls today. One to make sure my kitty's are ok and made it out of their little surgery, and will come home tomorrow. And then the other is to confirm/deny pregnancy. The only reason why I thought 'yes'-even after the BFN hpt, is the cramping and the discharge. But I had no other symptoms. My mind was racing with thoughts last night, that maybe I was and am going through an early mc. But then its all probably the medicine. I can not wait to stop this progesterone, and feel normal for a day or two before aunt flow arrives.
While I was waiting for my name to be called, I noticed a particularly worried young lady. I just wanted to give her a hug and hold her hand. She looked so worried. She had just gotten her kit done for the genetic testing which tells me she's just starting out on her journey. I wish I could say everything will be ok. But I also know that's not something you say. We don't know if everything will be ok. I always knew I'd have problems conceiving, but I never thought a loss wouldn't happen to me and it did and I survived. When I looked around more there were some happy faces (pregnant happy faces, I know my face was happy), and some sad faces. There was a couple who walked in and the guy knew one of the other husbands sitting there. Its to much of a small world, yet it also feels like we're so alone. I hope this changes.

Since there's no way I'm getting any work done today I'll be filing my last fiscal year's stuff away in boxes and filing this years stuff away.  My inbox and stacks on the floor are just about to fall over... so yea...

No real plans for the weekend. I say I'll catch up on housework all the time, maybe I'll actually do something. My dogs need their last hair cut before the fall/winter and a bath. My car needs vacuuming.
I'm with my personal trainer tomorrow from 11-12, then I work job #2 Saturday night and Sunday morning/day.
But I am getting excited to go to the Steelers game next week. The hubby and I are getting a hotel to stay the night since its a night game, and Pittsburgh is about 4 driving hours away from us. It will be nice to get away even its just one night. I'm also hoping my cycle will start this weekend so that I can get my day three appointment before we leave or I'll miss it and have to wait a cycle.

I'll include some pictures of my furbaby's just for fun. You can see how furry they really are, and how bad I need to shave them. ha!

Until next time - -

Sassie & George cuddling. She's trying her new pumpkin T-shirt on. 

Moe is so FLUFFY

Jinx is sort of a brat and rules the house. Her claws come out fast. 

George. My gorgeous George. 

TWW Journaling Part IV

So its Wednesday. And I just want to get this week over with. Since I'm 90% sure this cycle is a bust, I'm just anxiously awaiting my next cycle to start. So far the progesterone has been holding the uterus at bay, and I think that's why I've been cramping. My period is supposed to start today and all my uterus wants to do, is its job, and lose the lining. I guess I can ask Friday when my nurse calls when and how much medication I'll need and probably have to go pick it up.

I'll say it again - I'm glad I stacked my week full, and I will do the same thing next cycle. Its definitely helped keep my mind at bay. The fact that I only took ONE hpt and not 3 is a miracle. Plus I kind of have an idea of when the trigger shot (hcg) will wear off if I wanted to do the same thing next cycle.

Not much else is happening. I had my personal training last night, and we did upper body. I love it when I can get a good workout in. Its hard to do when I work so much, so on the nights that I have off I try to do something active. I also try walking at lunch time. Now that is finally getting cooler, its so nice to get out of the office and get some fresh air, seeing the occasional homeless guy, then passing by the park with all the kids and the hot housewives, then returning back to my windowless office. Its great. Sometimes I walk with another girl that works in my building. She's getting into a new relationship and its nice to talk about something other than fertility. Sometimes I feel like its all I talk about.
I'm testing the waters to becoming sort of an advocate about 'taking charge' of you body and fertility. I work with some young women at job#2 so I'm telling them that at their next ob apt to maybe start asking what they can do to figure out their fertility situation. I just think its important to know. Why wouldn't you want to know? I wish I knew sooner. But I guess you just don't think it will happen to you.
I was talking with another girl at job#2, she had just gotten married so I asked when she wanted to start thinking about a family. I knew she was near my age, so she said by 35 she would start trying. Most people are aware of what I'm going through, I'm really open about it all. So I asked her if she ever thought about looking into her fertility situation. And shes kind of a shy person and she quietly said back to me that "she would accept a special needs child if she had one." She was equating fertility treatments to having a special needs child. (???????) huh? That caught me really off guard. Even with all the recent media coverage, there are still some people out there that don't have a clue what this is all about. It kind of upset me. So for now I'm going to leave it alone.
I've had that kind of response before, if you've read back to some of my beginning posts'. My dads girlfriend equated fertility treatments to (her words) having "a retard kid" and she told me I was going to have one too (because she had a friend who was over 40 and did like 4 IVFs and had a special needs child). Some people!!!       And yes, I would accept a special needs child. I would love him/her with all my heart.

Today/night I work both jobs. I'm already tired thinking about how long of a day I have.

So there are a few more questions to the journaling series I'll continue. And I'll save some for next time. I'm also going to start maybe doing a series on a recent devotional I just received, that a fellow blogger (and a group of others) developed and wrote. I'll include links at the end of this.

If you never had children how would that make you feel?

• Well, because it has already been so long, I've already started to think about living a child free life. For me, I feel like you have to have a strong marriage to even consider this. Just because its really just going to be you+him the rest of your life. When you get older, you'd have to think about your health, whose going to take care of you, where will you end up? 

Why do you think that causes you pain?

• It only causes me pain now, because its still unknown if I can have a child or not. Yes, its been 11 almost 12 years - but we're just starting treatments. I'm one for exhausting all my options before I throw in the towel, so I have some more time. 

What is the root feeling behind the pain?

• I guess its seeing everyone get pregnant. It's also people not understanding what I'm/we're going through. Having people close to me say really ignorant things just because they don't understand. Even though I am 1 in 8, not everyone is vocal as I am about what we're going through. So a lot of times it can still be very isolating. 

So here are some good links:

I got these questions off this blog during a weekly challenge she had. This blog I feel like is more of a heavily sponsored blog with lots of advertisements, but useful:

http://naturalfertilityandwellness.com/natural-fertility-resources/

Then for the devotional information click here, she's also a really great blogger that I just ran into (I'll be updating my blog list soon...)

http://trialsbringjoy.com/

Thanks for reading. I'll probably write an update on Friday. I drop off my kittens for their spay & neutering, then swing by to clinic to get my blood drawn..  then anxiously await the nurses phone call. 

Until next time - -

 

TWW Journaling Part III

Hello Monday! What a wonderful day - said no one ever -

I have some mixed feelings today. I'm processing yet another BFN. I took a hpt on Saturday, but still having to wait till this Friday (the 25th) for the actual blood/beta test. I hate taking progesterone. I feel the mirror side effects of early pregnancy and it messes with my brain. And I'm still not convinced that the progesterone will extend my cycle. I feel like its going to start any day now and I have zero medicines for the next cycle. So now I'm just preparing for a call to the nurse telling her to turn my Friday apt into a day three apt.

But I am happy that I did stack my week with events that leave me so busy I can't even think. I'm hoping it will take my mind off whats looming ahead. My intended due date from my pregnancy in January. Its Oct 9th and I took the day off both jobs, and I am leaning towards a spa day. Or if its going to be a really nice day, maybe go for an all day hike. Get out the emotions on the mountain and be reminded of Gods glory (and take my own advice of doing something I love to do).

Even so - Hope never ceases to impress me. I thought I was jaded, and negative - but I had that hope that this would be it. It wasn't a very strong hope, but I knew I was moving in the right direction. I'm trying to take some sort of solace knowing that I'm doing everything that I can and the rest is up to God.

So lets continue on with the journaling.

Going back to your relationship with your husband, what are your idea's about family?

• I've always had trouble interpreting such an open ended question. I feel like both DH and I have the same sort of idea's for family. Raise them on hard work, goal setting, in the church. 

How are your idea's and desires for family the same? Different? 

• I always knew I wanted to raise my children in the church. Southern Baptist if I could help it. DH was not raised in the church, but held some of the same values. Because I am not so devout as I would like to be, I am not able to answer some of DH's concerns when it comes to the church. So its something I am trying to work on. 

What causes you the most frustration in your relationship right now?

• Honestly? Nothing much. Maybe a little bit of money issues, but nothing an open conversation doesn't solve. Maybe the chores around the house, but that's mostly his frustration with me. 

How has infertility change the way you communicate?

• This is an excellent question. We are having to talk about things I thought we would never have to, or even knew existed. We're talking about what sort of test's we could do on embryo's, whats are financial cap on those test's should insurance not cover it. How many rounds of treatments to go through. Insurance covers 3 IVFs, do we want to start saving now for a 4th one if needed? When is enough enough?          

I'm trying to do some research, and read all the books when I have time. I'm reading 'It Starts with the Egg' now and its awesome. I'm only able to read here and there, but what I'm learning is so useful, and the steps I could take to help my egg quality - especially having both a thyroid problem and PCOS.  

My weekend - other than trying not to be upset - was just working all day. Sunday nights are the worse b/c my feet hurt so bad and I'm so exhausted. 

I do have a story for you! 

I've had this lady come through my line before, and she did again yesterday.  Look - I'm an adult. I bag groceries all day. I am aware of what will squish what. But this lady was very upset that I put a box of tea (mind you the tea was lighter than the bag of chex mix) with her chips. She threw out the chips and tea from the bag and made a big spectacle about how "they always squish her stuff), grabbed bags off my bag well and started to be loud with me, threw her coupons at me and was very rude. I literally had to stop and take a deep breath and did not look up from my screen. 

That just infuriated me!!  Luckily my lunch brake came and I was able to get of my feet and out of the store for 30 min. 

Anyways!! I must get moving on these journal entries. 

Until next time - 

TWW Journaling Part II

I feel like I can't start my day without some reflection, so I'll go on with the second set of questions, and maybe get some things out of my head this morning.

After you met your husband, how did your dreams change?

• Hmm.. See this is hard! I'm having to really use my head and think about these things. I'm going to go with reviewing my life path. I had moved to South Carolina when I was finished with the 2 year community school. I didn't have any other connection to Maryland at all, my new life was in South Carolina, or beyond. I thought, welp - I'll meet a nice young southern man and get married and have lots of children. Or move more south or even west. I never really had a strong connection with my family (more on that later I suppose, my mom did/didn't raise me (gave up?) so I became super duper uber independent) , so I was always able to just pick up and move anywhere, and that's what I did. I LOOOOOVED SC. I loved the weather, the atmosphere, being closer to the coast. Everything. When I had gone home for a spring break trip, I went on a date with him - the timing was perfect and we decided to start dating and became boyf/girlf. The drawback - was that he still lived in MD and didn't have any plans to move (yet) and I lived in SC. We dated for almost 2 years long distance. And it was very hard, and we almost broke up a couple of times. Towards the end of the 2 years, he decided to move down to SC to be with me full time. That only lasted a few months because he was offered a great opportunity back home and off he went. So where did that leave me? I picked up and moved back home. It was a very hard decision b/c I felt like moving back home was giving up on everything I had worked hard for. Almost like giving up, a failure. I struggled with that for awhile. But being with him made everything better. 

Did you begin to want something different in life?

• Off and on, yes. But I think that's where the ups and down of a relationship come from. There were times where I wish I was just alone, living by myself and not having to 'answer' to anyone. That's where my struggle with my independence comes from. I'm not used to relying on someone or having someone rely on me. I'm super duper independent, so why aren't you too? 

Is he the man you had always seen yourself with?

• Hands down - yes. From the day I met him I knew we had a connection. Whether is was a friendship or a relationship I just had a feeling I would have this man in my life in one way or the other. 

Describe your relationship while dating. How did it change after marriage?

• There was definitely more sexy time. For the first 2 years, we only saw each other every few weeks. And this was during the "AOL" genre, and no face time or anything like that. After marriage - nothing really changed. 

Since we're talking a lot about marriage I thought I'd share a few photos when we did get married. Because of the lack of connection with families, we jetted off to an island and it was just the two of us. It was AWESOME and I would do it over again 100 times. 

We were the Sandals couple that you see on TV except that I didn't jump in the water. 

I was hungry! and maybe a little drunk from all the champagne. 

So baby stuff. I'm 4dpo. And I'm still in a strange place of peace. I had a great workout last night. Today I have to work both jobs. Tomorrow and Thursday, Job#1 and workout/housework. Friday & Saturday both jobs. Good busy week. Then I'll only have to get through one more week before blood test. Though I am kind of worried that I'll be getting my period sooner than what my nurse thinks... I guess we'll just have to wait and see...  

On that note. I'm ready to start my day and tackle these journal entries. Hoping everyone had a solid good day as well. 

Until next time! 

My 1st Official TWW

Our trying time was over Friday morning. And I started progesterone (ew) on Saturday. So, now we wait. I'll have my blood drawn on the 25th. And today I feel strangely at peace. Almost like, I did everything I was supposed to do so why stress? If it happens... great! if not, then we try again. Every time I go into the doctors and express any sort of concern I always get "your young, your fine, you've got plenty of time." Which is nice to hear. All I ever see is the dreaded '35' age and it all goes down hill. And all I keep thinking about is that for child #2, I'll have to do this all over again.. so I've got 3 years to do so.
Today I'm 3dpo. I'm stacking up my week so that I'm so busy I can't even think about dinner let alone if there is a baby growing inside me. I think this summer was such a huge disappointment that I'm just tired of being disappointed so I'll hold out on taking a test. Plus I'm not sure how long it will take the trigger (hcg) shot to wear off, and I don't want to get a false positive. I've got lots of work outs scheduled, working job#2 and trying to keep up on house work. Plus I've got the monthly deadline again at job#1 to meet by next Monday.

Anyways. I bumped into another blogger a while ago, more like a sponsored blogger and she had weekly challenges. One of the weeks' challenge was to journal. Well I do that already, but there were a set # of questions to answer, so I thought I'd go ahead and journal out those answers and I encourage you do to so too.

When you were young, what was your dream family? Focus on what your dreams were before you met your husband.

• My dreams.....  I really don't remember thinking to much about a future family. I always just figured it would happen.. Grow up, get married and have 2 kids. Easy peasy. Dreams before I had a husband, were more career focused. I wanted to 'be' someone one day. A manager, a controller (I'm in the accounting field), a decision maker. The start of my career was with Marriott hotels, where I was a front desk girl. I would help out with over night auditing every once in awhile, and the controller at the time saw some promise in me, and I quickly moved up into the accounting office. Starting with the Accounts Receivable and helped with Payables sometime. He had plans for a management path for me, but he ended up leaving and the new controller wasn't a fan of women in power. So I ended up being a hell of a AR associate. Did the best I could, knowing one day I could be the AR manager (at least).

What type of guy did you want to marry?

• A friend. It sounds sooo cliche, but I saw this guy from across the room and was immediately intrigued. like, who was this guy? I met DH at work 2 years before we even became a thing. We were fast friends. He was sort of my 1st guy friend and we got a long sooo well. I'm one big ball of sarcasm, and he was too. So we 'got' each other. He was a home grown kind of man. Had manors. Was smart. Tall dark and handsome. I had dated a lot when I was younger and he seemed like he could be it. Thats what I wanted in a man. Except that he already had a long term girlfriend.

When did you want to get married?

• Again, didn't really have a timeline of sorts. But I did want to get married and have at least one child before 30. My 30th birthday was a really hard one to get through because I didn't have the family part yet. 

What type of house did you think you'd live in?

• A finished one. I'll explain.  DH and I bought a house 9 years ago, knowing it was going to a fixer upper. Welp... we're still fixing it up. Its such a long story, but we're SO close to having it finished. Since we bought the house, we have completely re-done everything from floor to ceiling (and roof) and by ourselves. We even literally raise the roof (because the ceiling height was only 7 foot something, not the 8 foot standard it is today). So I'm excited to see what it will end up looking like once we have finished construction and painted/decorated, etc.   I will NEVER do this again.

When did you want to have children? How many did you want?

• Wanted to have at least one kid by 30, and I'd always wanted 2 or three. And for as long as I can remember, I have always wanted twins. Always.  Twins run in my family, every other generation and they do the same in DH side as well. Some of my cousins have had babies, and no twins yet. So I'm hoping and praying its me. 

There are a series of 7 questions. And I plan on spreading them out while on this TWW. A sort of changing the subject a little bit. 

Lastly, today is Monday. My weekend wasn't so grand. Just worked. And slept. I did the dishes! 

This afternoon I have a training session with my personal trainer. My DH is giving me his sessions so now I'm able to do an hour a week for at least 9/10 weeks. I'm seriously considering going low carb. I'm going to eat the rest of my food in my pantry, and maybe slowly go down in carbs week to week. I don't know that I'll go full blown Adkins. But it'll be close. I'm pretty desperate and determined to lose 20 lbs before starting IVF (if need be) next year. 

I hope that you had a wonderful weekend, and are ready for this week! whatever you may be facing, I pray that you have the same peace that I do, at least for today. 

Until next time <3