My First 1st

And it was incredible, amazing, unbelievable.

The sun has risen, and the sea's are calm. 

I was feeling a little anxious most of the day yesterday. I felt baby girl all day internally, but hadn't felt baby boy yet. I kept poking him to wake him up. I just needed to know he was there. Towards the end of the night, I finally did feel him kick. When we went to bed, lately I've just been putting my hands on my belly waiting to feel them and praying. As I was praying for God to take away my anxiousness and fear baby boy got a little more active, and I trying to keep up with the movements trying to find where he was at. I pressed a little next to my belly button, and I felt him. Finally! He totally fist bumped me. I felt it internally and I felt the bump on my tummy. I let out an "oh my God" and my husband was like... what? whats wrong?  I said nothing! and I started to hysterically cry. I felt him!  I didn't know what to expect, but this was definitely an instant answered prayer.

The almighty HE heard me and my prayers. All along. Maybe this was the turning point.

Since my last post, things have gotten better. Almost immediately I felt just a tad better, just getting it out, written down helped.
2013 was a very difficult year for me. Something life altering happened every single month of that year. So the way I learned to deal with such happenings, is just to deal with things one at a time.
So this month - Feb; I'm polishing off my registries. Which my husband did not end up working late that night, and we completed most of our registry (another answered prayer). I still feel like there's a lot to add. Even if I don't get everything, at least everything I think I'll need -the list will be in one place. So I have a week left. March - I'll start to plan a baby shower. I know...I know, I'm not supposed to plan my own. I'll have some helpers, but just like how my wedding (or lack there of) went I ended up planing everything myself.  We'll also have a sit down conversation with my in-laws about watching the babies. Because if they say no, I'll need to get moving on finding a day care. March will also be the start of organizing house, and hopefully starting on the nursery.
That's as far as I got. Like I said... still just concentrating on the week I have left of Feb and what I need to accomplish by then.

My Placenta Previa is gone! Baby girl moved on up! Yet another answered prayer. AND my thyroid is starting to get its shit together. I'm officially complication free! My high risk doctor thinks that after this next visit on March 2nd, that we can push out the appointments a month apart. That's a catch 22. I loved getting to see these babies every other week, but now that I'm feeling them more and more and that the high risk doc think things are going wonderfully - then I guess its ok :)
Am I still checking for things when I use the potty? Yes, and unfortunately I just don't think that will change.

My loss anniversary is this Saturday. I'm not sure how I'll feel that day. I will definitely be reflecting, and have a heavy heart. I was supposed to have given birth on Oct 8th last year. That just happened to be the day I triggered, knowing I had 4 shiny eggs ready to go. It was hard to feel sad, when I was so excited about the possibility that I could get pregnant this round.

My mother did end up buying us all new appliances, so now my husband is working feverishly on the kitchen to fit everything in. Hopefully this was the fire set under is butt to get moving on the rest of the house. We had to do some moving around of cabinets, and rebuilding cabinets, etc to fit these guys in. I'll take a pic when all is said and done. But I LOVE the new fridge, the water isn't hooked up yet (b/c hubby had to run a water line), but that's my favorite part of the kitchen now. To have fresh water at my finger tips with ice! I'm afraid to use the oven. Its so high tech.
Every Friday, we sit down and we talk about what we can accomplish this weekend, or by next Friday - where do we want to be with the projects. So that's helped too. We both are on the same page now. My goal, is to have gone through our master closet, clothes/stuff/etc and make room for the dresser we will be moving into the closet - then move the desk/office into the nook where the dresser was.

I did end up putting my two weeks in at my 2nd job, and it was just fine. Though, I should have done it sooner. I can't seem to make it past 4 hours on my feet anymore. Each shift I work, it gets worse and worse. Not that I'm asking for sympathy - but all I get is nasty looks, eye rolls or being called a cry baby. Or I get "when I was pregnant, I could do this that and the other. Or -Oh yea I know how you feel.... " You guys, I'm so over that. NONE OF YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL, NONE OF YOU HAVE HAD TWO BABIES IN YOUR BELLY.  (this was me yelling at everyone in my head). On Sunday my hips and back hurt so bad I could hardly stand up. But they only let me go 45 min early. When I got home, I went straight to bed and didn't move for 4 hours. I only have two more shifts, Thursday night, and Saturday morning. Then.I'm.Done.!!!

The last thing I was worried about, was when I will be gone. My boss and I finally ended up meeting to get a feel of what will need to happen. And I feel much better about it. I still feel like I need to work extra hard to get things completed - i.e procedures, list's etc. Get a training schedule made up. But that's just because I'm very detailed and anal.

Sometimes I don't know why I have to go through these emotions, but better things come of it every time. Just another lesson, another reminder. God has his own timing. And he is Awesome & Almighty. He will not give me more than I can handle. I need to keep this in mind the next time I feel myself approaching the edge again.

So on to take on the week ahead! Hoping all of you had a wonderful weekend!

Until next time - -

Emotional Waves

Overwhelmed, stressed, tired, worried, anxious, fear, angry, these are a few of my favorite things. NOT!

These emotions are knocking me down to my knees. Much like a wave from the ocean if you just stand there. You try so hard to fight that wave, but it still knocks you down and sometimes tries to drown you. I'm -right-there-. Again, staring at the edge of a cliff.

When I get overwhelmed, like I'm in the bottom of a dried up well looking up at the bright circle above being the sky, I withdraw from life. I cower into the darkness and wait till its over. But I can't do that this time. So I'm struggling. Big time. Its seems as if my prayers aren't enough. I pray over and over again at night, Lord take these feelings away from me, help me back into the light. But I still feel this way.  And I'm not sure what else I can do right now to get back up, back away from the cliff.

Hormones? maybe. All of a sudden I feel like all these things are happening at once at warp speed.

Since being diagnosed with Placenta Previa, I'm getting scared to death that I'm going to go into labor early. Everyone wants to offer their 2cents. "My sister had that and she went 8 weeks early, Oh! My neighbor had that and went 10 weeks early."  I'm 20 weeks this week. That means they could potentially come in 10 more weeks. I'm not ready. Not even emotionally at this point.

I am eternally grateful that I'm even pregnant. Every day I think God for another day of life. However, lately it seem's I'm enjoying this pregnancy less and less. I have moments of sunshine, when we made it past 8 weeks, then 12, when I get to see them on the big screen, when we found out the genders. The next big milestone is making it past 24 weeks. Then 30 weeks, then 35 weeks. Then birth. But these moments of happiness are being taken over with all these feelings.

A girl at my second job asked me such a stupid question, and I tried not to let it bother me and now its playing hand in hand with the previa. She staring at my stomach... just staring. Then all of a sudden she ask's me "what would you do if one of them died?"  ummm..... WHAT?!?!?!  This girl didn't know that I've already lost one, almost a year ago at the end of this month. But what on earth would prompt you to ask this, I'm not sure. So now the fear is upfront and center again. Every time I use the loo, examining the toilet paper, do I see anything? Not yet.

And maybe that's where some of this is coming from. Knowing that this time last year I was pregnant, and knowing that in two weeks time I wouldn't be any longer. Goodness, I'm fighting back tears now.

The house isn't ready. There still so much to do and we haven't even begun on the nursery. I'm getting bombarded with "do you have a registry set up yet?"  Trying to fit that into my schedule right now, while working two jobs has been so stressful. I don't even know where to begin and I feel like we need so much stuff and/or worried that we wont have enough. I haven't had time to really research anything. Like tonight for instance, we're supposed to do Toy's R'Us when I get off work. But now, DH can't do it because he's working late (because he's stressing about money, which is stressing me out. Can I afford to quit my 2nd job? But will working a second job work me right into bed rest/pre labor? See what I mean???).
We can't do it this weekend either. After working my 2nd job on Saturday - we're going shopping with my mom to pick out kitchen appliances (which by the way we're not ready to install yet either, but mom is INSISTING we go shopping this.weekend.) Then I just know I'll be pooped, but I still have to go through my clothes and pack things away/give things away. Beeeeecause on Sunday - again after working my 2nd job, going over to the in-laws (with whom we'll have to have a serious convo about watching the kids soon, which I'm so nervous they'll say no-insert stress w/money again) to switch clothes out. Because we have to put the dresser into the closet, so that we can move the desk out of the nursery and into the master bedroom.

Then all of a sudden its Monday again.
I have a apt with my thyroid doc, which I believe my thyroid is still messed up b/c I'm losing a bunch of hair. I think to myself, why can't this doctor get my dosage straight? Why am I changing dosage EVERY 4 WEEKS? Does this effect the babies?

My husband stressed out real bad after we got our taxes done the other night. At my 2nd job, I claimed 2 exemptions for state and federal, which means very little taxes were taken out. First of all, I don't feel like I should have been working a second job. But that's a different story for a different day. Second, it was this money that helped me pay for things. (i.e TREATMENTS!, a new car b/c mine was destroyed, etc etc) that I didn't feel like I could ask him to pay for.   Therefore, we're not getting much of a return. And he was upset with me. That only pushed me further into the deep sea. I didn't do that intentionally. But because of the treatments I paid for, we're getting TWO kids to write off next year and get money back on top of that. It will because of ME that we'll get a significant amount back next year.
I'm supposed to put in my two weeks at my second job tomorrow. But he has me second guessing that I can't afford to do that. But every day, I'm reminded in one way or the other that the health of these babies are way more important that some dumb job. So I'll be doing it anyways.
But then that got me looking at our budget. How are we supposed to do this?  >deep breath<

And by the way, I'm tired all the time. And I'm hungry.

Lets just add in the stress of working job#1 while I'm at it. Deadlines are one thing. My boss hasn't approached me about the logistics of my leave, or anything. So I feel like I have to prepare myself. I'm reviewing the outdated procedure and updating them, making list's of what I do daily-weekely-monthly, making calendar reminders, etc. I've already started to spread the word to people I work with in other departments that I'll be on maternity leave, soon, so they can let me know if there is anything I need to cover in my procedures and get them into the mindset that I'll be gone for awhile. But the fact that she hasn't started to think about it yet, means maybe she doesn't take this seriously? or that I'll come back to a complete mess. I've worked this job now for 2 years. I have everything down to a science. To think that I would have to start all over when I get back... uuugghhh.


How do I stop the madness? How do I get out of this well? Get of out the ocean so I can stare at the beautiful blue water?

Happy Friday.

Until next time - -

It's Finally Here - Gender Reveal!!

Ladies, I can finally announce that I'm having a .....

All from 18w4d Sonogram:

Baby Boy Foot

Handsome Baby Boy Profile

Baby Girl Foot

Beautiful Baby Girl Profile

Am I done having kids after this sine I'll have one of each? That's the main question I get asked, and the answer is most likely not, I'll want to squeeze another baby in my arms in a few years. Plus, whats one more after having twins as your first set if kids? It'll be a breeze  :)     At least, that's what I keep telling myself.  But of course, it may be to late in a few years cause we'll have to go through treatments again, and who knows how my eggs will be since I'll be closer to 35 when/if we want a 3rd. Cross that bridge when I get to it.

So! A few updates. And hopefully some of you reading can give me some advice. I had my 18w check up with the perinatal doc Monday. Turns out, I've developed Placenta Previa. Has anyone had experience with this?  Baby girl's placenta is covering my cervix. Hopefully she'll grow upwards into the uterus and the everything will be fine. I haven't had any bleeding (yet), but I have a strong feeling it happened after some 'adult time' with the husband (which that, and/or heaving lifting can cause the shift to happen). I had a dream, and I wanted it in real life dang it! But afterwards I felt a discomfort in the groin/lower ab area and it hasn't really gone away. When my bladder is full I feel it most. I go every other week to the high risk, so at least it will be checked a lot. And no more adult time probably for the rest of this pregnancy. I'm kinda ok with that though. And no heavy lifting over 20lbs. So I'll probably cancel my personal training sessions.

Other than that, babies are developing just fine. Perfect little heart beats. They've been getting the anatomy scanned every time I go in (every 2 weeks since 12 weeks till 24 weeks) so I wont have the long awaited 20w scan. They're 9oz each. No measurements yet, but my apps say they're about  6-7 inches long. I've definitely have a bump now, but I'm still having a hard time excepting that its a 'real' bump and not just bloat/fat, etc. Maaaybe I'll get someone to take a picture of me today and upload it later.
I haven't gained by 5lbs this whole time, thanks to my thyroid which is now over active, so another dosage change, and another follow up in 2 weeks. But the doctor said its fine, as long as the babies are where they should be, and that there is enough fluid in each sack. And they're fine.

We also had a major snow storm this past weekend. I'll include some photo's at the end. And I just read that the rodent didn't see his shadow! Yay for spring and flip flops for my pregnant feet, which have gotten bigger by the way.

Another things I need your help on - Registry's. I've already been hounded on "do you have a registry yet?"  Between working 2 jobs, and having enough energy to get through my day - WHEN am I supposed to have done  registry?  So, I'll be getting on that in the next couple week.
Car seats - I'm totally confused with this one. What did you do?

My headaches have gotten better, instead of 5 days out of the, I'm down to 2 or 3 days I'm getting headaches. But mostly its b/c I'm getting hungrier and if I don't get something to eat fast enough I'll get a headache. My books still hurt every so often, mostly in the morning as I'm getting up I can feel them.  I finally got some pregnancy bra's to wear, and I'm almost exclusively in all maternity clothes now.

Thanks to facebook, it reminded me today is also the day I was in my car accident that destroyed my car (read: Here ). Later learning it would destroy my life - at least for a little bit. Jan 30th was the day I found out I was pregnant with my miracle child. We were just about ready to start our 1st round of treated cycles. And today, Feb 2nd would be the day that would be the beginning of the end. Just like another blogger, I think I will blog on the anniversary dates. I feel like this would be a way I can still honor my 1st child and work through some of the feelings that happened "a year ago today."  I still miss my car. It was one of the 'adult purchases' that I was proud of. And it was a super cute car to boot. I probably would have had to turn it in for a bigger car anyways, but it all worked out in the end. This was another time in my life where I questioned Gods intentions. Why would be bring such a tribulation into my life at such a (at the time) joyous time. I was dealing with both insurances, 2 different claims, dealing with honda, then dealing with the insurance I purchased to pay off the balance of the lien. Every day was 5 phone calls to keep everyone on track. I was the squeaky wheel and it only turned into a 3 month ordeal when I finally paid off the lien, and purchased a new car and got a pay out from the guys insurance (of whom hit me). More to follow as the anniversary dates near.

Well that about does it for this update! I'll be giving my notice soon on the 2nd job -I'll have to tell you how that goes. I'm wondering if the manager will be a witch about it. Oh well, at this point. These next few paychecks will pay for the parenting classes I want to take.

OK Ladies! Until next time -

My car is under there somewhere. 

Looking down on the side porch. 

My main man snow plowing away. 

Looking at the neighbors driveway, road under 2"+ of snow.