>insert 1995 AOL voice here< Wel-come.
This might end up being a long one.. so you might wanna go get a snack, maybe a cup of coffee...
I have another blog out there , more of a "G" rated blog so that my family and friends and read the updates that are happening and such. That's a little more heavier and emotional.
So I wanted to create a second blog. Creating a space where I can be a little bit more real, say what I want, name names or at least go in that direction. Your the only ones I'm sharing this with, so shhh!
I feel like the 'new kid on the block.' I've been reading all of your blogs, and keep up with them a few times a week. I feel like I'm the only one 'just getting started.' I haven't yet gone through any treatments, just the tests & one small procedure to remove a polyp. But I love to read about all of your different experiences with the processes, whether its a medicated cycle, IUI or IVF. It gives me some sort of clue about whats in store for me. I might of said this before on a comment or two, but let me say how brave you all are for sharing your stories. Whether or not you share your blogs with family & friends, or just strangers on the Internet, your giving someone like me hope, and 'realism.' I'm not sure if that's a word, but we'll stick with it for now.
So here's the low down: I've been on this infertility ride for just about (in March it will be) 11 years. Now.. that is a long time, but in that time was a long distance relationship... engagement... marriage.. fixing up the house.. cars.. jobs.. and probably most importantly my husbands back. The poor guy has gone through three back surgery's and hes only 32. During the time where I have been secretly (well maybe not since I kept opening my big mouth "I'm ovulating, lets go...") my husband has been in and of major pain, and 2 of the 3 surgery's (the 1st one being when we has 18). So even if I did get pregnant then, it would been really hard to deal with because he wouldn't have been able to help me in any way (i.e getting me ice cream & pickles in the middle of the night, holding baby, etc.) I had to be there for him, helping him move, dress, shower, etc. And of course, if you've read my other blog I lost my very good job that had very good benefits. So I've been in limbo waiting for the opportunity to seek further treatments out.
Alas, I have the perfect job with awesome benefits.. longer story short, everything is just fine with husband. So that was hard to hear that it was definitively me. Even though I kind of already knew it, I feel like it is my "fault." I know, I know... but still. The doctor also said, that my hemoglobin was just about borderline at 5.7 when they like to see a 6 or below. She also slipped in there that I might have ovarian reserve issues, the number they like to see if 4 and above, and I was 2. I feel kind of dumb, I have no idea what these numbers mean, so I've asked for the results so that I can educate myself. My husband took it upon himself to start preaching when the doctor left the room in his 'important preacher face' on, talking in a low tone of voice. "You need to lose weight, "I told you so..." You need to start your diet RIGHT NOW or she's going to pull the plug on you.."
1) I don't need a preacher right this second after being told, its my fault, I have no good egss.. and yes.. I'm border line to fat.
2) shut the hell up, she didn't say I couldn't start the protocol, just that I would be watched.
3) shut the hell up.
We're waiting to see what happens with my thyroid levels.. I plan to get my blood test the week of Jan 19th.. hoping to get the green light.. then its go time with the next cycle towards the end of Feb (I have a protocol, but I want to understand the results before I post about it.)
So, the holidays were ok.. I didn't think I was going to be so hyper-sensitive, but I was. I think its because we are actively seeking further assistance, like really actively trying. That its "real" this time. Things upset me, like.. I am the last cousin to have had a baby on my dad's side. Or that I wanted to be the first out of my family to have a boy, to carry the last name. But my loser brother in-law ruined that for me. His wife (second wife, third baby moma - yes.. this loser has three kids by three different women. They all live in another state, so maybe he just forgot?) just gave birth to a boy early Dec, and we found out by accident.
Christmas Eve started off with a bang. I found out after the fact that my MIL was arguing with my DH about when MY period was supposed to start. What?..... Why?..... Turns out right before I got there, she was asking him.. well really quizzing him and fact checking him about the process we are about to go through.. then he answerer's the best way he knows how.. not that he really knows anything because I AM the one going through all of the protocol.. then she starts to argue "well.. you really don't know when she will start her period.. you know... you cant count on it starting right away.. everyone women is different.. I bet you it wont start when you think its going to start..." Seriously?? Why are you arguing with my husband about when my period is going to start?
The best part? She has yet to ask me ANYTHING!! I've even bated her in different conversations trying to get her to ask me questions... and nothing.. She's even said before (again.. behind my back) that "I'm just to old now... its been to long.. why try?" I think she's one of those... "I read something on the Internet, so it must be true" type.
Then it was off my to my Grammy's house. This has been a tradition since before I was born (so, over 31 years now). So this puts me in that spot where every cousin has a baby, or two or three.. I find a seat.. and the newest born is in my cousins lap, and she's like "you wanna HOLD THE BABY?" No thanks.. really.. its ok. "WHY DON'T YOU WANNA HOLD THE BABY?" ugh.. I get up and hide in the kitchen trying to keep my tears under control. Then my dad walks in.. doest really acknowledge me.. nothing that new from him.. so when we get into a stiff conversation I tell him that we are about to go in for treatments.. and hes like “ohhhh nooo… you don’t want to do that.. you don’t want to mess with science…. You shouldn’t be doing this, obviously God doesn't want you to have a baby…” so I asked.. “ok, and why not?”… “well this girl who I work with, her sister had treatments and ended up with 5 babies…” “yea… and this couple we know, that were in their upper 40’s had a retarded baby..”
“ok.. so 1) it depends on what clinic you go to, it sounds like the girl you work with-friend went to a shoddy clinic.. (again with the "I know someone, who knew someone, who's sister...") and 2) we were genetically tested and neither my husband or I have that “retard” gene.. so there’s your answer to that.”
Meanwhile.. my dad has yet to even look at me when he spewing out negativity towards me…
He was like like… “well… you shouldn’t be doing this… your messing with Gods intention.. there’s a reason why you haven't had a kid yet..” and then he just walks away… like I don’t even exist. How can a father say and do that?? So.. I’m kind of done with him for now.. I feel like when I do end up pregnant.. that he wouldn’t even want to acknowledge the kid because its.. like.. a fake? Kid.. like its not a real kid b/c I didn’t have it the normal way.. or something..
So then of course I go off and cry hysterically while my husband trying to hold in a punch to the face.. we leave shortly thereafter.
The rest of the holiday was ok.. everyone else has been nothing but supportive, or positive.
But I made it through. And a new year will be upon us. I feel like at this point, I need to crawl into my cocoon and just be by myself, well I'll need my husbands sample at some point.. and let everyone around me say what they want.. but I'll be inside my cocoon... watching bravo TV, reading good books.. and maybe having a baby..
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