A Good Cry

...is what I need right now, but I feel like if I close my door to my office and begin whaling like a toddler who wants a candy bar rumors would start.
Today, I'm mad at the world.
I'm mad that I'm not pregnant yet. I'm mad that I have to go through these fertility treatments. I'm mad that I have to work a second job to survive. I'm mad that some people are just clueless and refuse to understand me and believe me! I'm mad that I have to wear glasses/contacts. I'm mad that I don't live near the beach.
Ok, now I'm just ranting.

This is totally coming from out of no where and I'm trying really hard to keep these tears in. I'm pretty sure they'll come out in my car on the way home.
But I am mad that I'm not pregnant. Why did it happen so 'easily' in January, and why hasn't it happened since? I'm beginning to feel the "whats wrong me with" feeling. WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!
I'm mad at the injustices of the world. Why does she get to have a baby, and not me.
*side note, a FEW pregnant ladies have come through my line cursing, yelling..causing a scene and they're buying coke, pepsi, cigarettes..  really???.... REALLY???  And they're paying for on their food stamps card. Meanwhile, I'm struggling big time. I'm working two jobs..  and then this comes through my line. I'm telling you what - the devil is trying to grip me hard. And I'm desperately trying to release his grip.

I'm mad at my boss at my 2nd job. There is a passive aggressive note that is taped to the front counter stating "no cell phones allowed at cashiers" and I explained to her that I'm going to need my phone on me when I start treatments. That when my nurse calls me (at whatever hour, b/c we all know that there are no "business hours" for this kind of stuff) and tells me at what particular time I need to take my trigger shot - I WILL be picking up my phone. But she doesn't believe me. She doesn't believe me that there are times, procedures, processes that are time sensitive. So, I'm just about to get a freaking doctors note to be able to have my cell phone on me. But SERIOUSLY!!!!
And that other women (other lead cashier at job#2), tells me that "they just put her neighbors baby in the ground." That the baby died in the womb just a day before he was due. WHY.... would you be telling me this? Why do you feel the need to say these kinds of things around me. Reminding me of my own loss, and even just the fact that I'm struggling with infertility. I don't know this women from adam, yet you seem to want to tell her business to any old stranger who wants to listen to that sort of thing. It's almost like she's turning it into something where she gets attention from. Lord help me.

I know that these seem like small things in the big scheme of things. And I'll get over it. I always do. It's just my 5 min of being sad/angry/depressed/all of the above. We all have these moments at some point or another. Just another brick being laid down on that hard path we are following.

I'm sure this only took you 5 seconds to read. But it feels like it took longer to write.
Alas - today is my Friday and I'm staring at a stack of bank statements to reconcile. I must get to it!

Until next time :)

Dunkin Donuts Kinda Day...

Welp, I did it again. I broke down and took a test after I got home from job #2 late last night. Yesterday I was 7dpo/CD19. BFN. Although I kind of knew it would be, and I'm upset (hence dunkin donuts post title), but not on the rictor scale kinda bad. Could it have been to early, false negative? Possibly. But at least its put an ease to my mind and I just kind of get back to work, get back to my goals and since I've already started to focus on treatment cycle #1, that's where my head is at. But it makes me wonder, is there something going on in that uterus of mine? I guess we'll find out on my day 3 lab & uterus check at some point next week, probably Tuesday or Wednesday if my period shows up on Sunday like its supposed to.

Going through this last cycle made me think deep thoughts. Am I forgetting what it was like to be pregnant? Am I forgetting what it felt like when I first assumed I was? The feeling my body gave me? It's like its all fading away. And I think that's whats making me sad. That I'm forgetting.      Oh gosh.. I'm starting to cry now. I don't want to forget. And reading some of your post's about this cycle being your last try, really made me sad to think about that. How you can just go through SO SO SO much, and end up with nothing. That's pretty devastating.

I have been trying really hard not to read into little signs that my body is giving me. Like I have been SO moody these last couple days. That's kind of unusual for me, even when I am pms'ing. But it could also mean I'm just so freaking tired of working 65-70 hours a week. It doesn't mean I'm pregnant. The cramps I feel, are probably just because my trainer worked me out pretty good. And I am having vivid dreams again, this time of zombies thanks to Fear the Walking Dead... ugh. All I remember is being in a bedroom with blue walls, I'm packing a small suit case (just in case I have to carry it through the woods) and I am telling the people around me that we have to go! We have to leave now! My heart was racing, as I woke myself up.

So, today I hope to get a lot of small things done at work and I work job#2 tonight. I have a workout planned with some friends at the track, I call it "track day" tomorrow. I love different kinds of work out's that make it fun and I always surprise myself on how well I do.

Then on Friday I have a day at the beach planed with the DH. I can not wait, to just have my feet in the sand, breathing that salty air and falling asleep under the sun....and not have to work EITHER job! I wish it was for the week, but the day will have to do.

I imagine the next time I write, will be the start of my treatments. Praying for a clear mind, and focused heart.

Until next time.

Pain in the..... Uterus?

So its Monday again.. how does the weekend always go by so quickly?
I did actually have a good weekend. I worked on Friday, but it was with people I like. Then Saturday I got to sleep in a little and and had a pool day with friends. It was exactly what I needed. Things almost unraveled apart, but I stopped worrying and just laid my butt on the chair under the sun. It was great. It was the kind of great where you fell asleep it was so relaxing. I also went by the doctors/pharmacy to pick up my 4 per-scrips for the next cycle! I was nervous waiting in line. And my hands were shaking as I went back to the car.. .like this is really happening.  I haven't yet opened the bag up, its still sitting on a shelf in my foyer. Maybe I'll open it today, and read everything. I am still unsure of the whole process and I hope when I go in for my 1st monitoring, they'll explain more.
I plan on writing maybe a little more often, maybe short and sweet post's to document my experience while on clomid, the needles, etc.

Then Sunday I worked all day. I had great intentions of getting a lot done in the afternoon, but I was so tired. The kind of tired where I was to tired to actually fall asleep and take a nap. So the DH and I just watched TV all night long.

So, nothing much new to report. Today I'm CD18, 6dpo. Remember I have short cycles, anywhere b/t 23-25 days. the last three cycles, its been 24 days. Both Saturday and Sunday I had a little bouts with an uneasy feeling, almost sick.. sometimes a little dizzy. And small but noticeable cramps here and there. When I think about it, I'm checking the boobs out to see if there is any pain or soreness.
I've made a decision to take a test on Thursday (CD21/9dpo). That will be 2/3 days before expected period, and last cycle I took it on 9dp and my period showed up three days later. It's also the day before DH and I go to the beach for the day. So, Thursday it is.  If its positive, then Friday will be a day of celebration, and if not - then it will be a day to relax and gather my thoughts for the next cycle coming up - our 1st treated cycle.
I'm not really expecting anything, and I may not even be pregnant. But I also can't just 'wait and see' either. But as each cycle passes, I'm getting less and less 'expectant,' and more of waiting it out.
My mind is really still stuck on, day by day mode. Which is fine with me. I find myself rationalizing why I'm having cramps or feeling unwell. Maybe Its the progesterone I'm using (left over from pregnancy #1, side effect is cramping), and maybe I'm feeling unwell b/c I've been standing on my feel all day.

But I do have a story to tell! On Sunday at the grocery store, I had three separate people in my line. I ended up getting into a conversation about baby making with an older lady, and somehow get onto the topic of her being a twin. Then the guy behind her is like "hey your a twin? So am I!" and the then girl behind HIM said, "I am too!"
WHAT are the chances of that???? Three sets of twins in a row, coming through MY line??!!!?? So I told them all to rub my hands for good luck on my next treatment. haha!!
AND.... its in my family, every other generation there is a set of twins. I can't even tell you how blessed I would be if that were to happen. I can't even begin to imagine a world with two babies.

Welp, that's about it. I need to get moving on getting things done this week so Friday can be a true day without worries.

Accepting all good vibes and prayers this week as I try and wait it out and I'll be doubling that effort back at'cha!

Da Da Da Deadlines

I'm not sure how I got so far behind at work, I think its mostly b/c of a new system and new processes. Somehow I've got to get a months worth of journal entries done before Thursday.

>insert blank stare here<

....yea....

I've got a lot going on today in particular. I'm CD11 and will be ovulating tomorrow, so this is our last ditch effort on our own. I'm really not 'feeling' anything towards this fact. I'm not sad, or mad or anything it kind of just 'is.' Some of my hope has faded, Its been easy to do over the last 11/12 years and especially the last few months so I remain hopefully realistic. Sure I hope that maybe this cycle is "the one." I hope that it only takes one medicated cycle.. hope that there is no more issues to work through, no more mountains to climb. But that's just silly. So this CD11-CD13 will be it I suppose. And I work both jobs, so 'trying' will have to be in b/t jobs! 

I've also talked to my nurse today. She's processing the order today for the medications. And she emailed me my protocol. Now I just wait to hear from the pharmacy to see if there will be any hold up from the insurance (which I don't really anticipate), and to find out what my cost will be. I wonder if I could search for the cost on the insurance web page..  hmm.. I'll have to look into that. 

I think my protocol is kind of standard, and a starting point. Clomid at 50mg, Bravelle at 75iu, trigger injection and prometrium after. 

I'm interested to see anything is "left" (from the loss) in my ovary and to see how many follicles I will have. My last blood result was that I didn't have the quantity the Doctor was looking for. So I don't want to keep messing around on small dosages for to long. 

Deadlines are looming, but that's when I work best I think. I'll be able to crank out those journal entries. I've stopped procrastinating on realizing that I need to look forward into the next cycle and get everything ready. Lastly dealing with my cycle deadline. Once ovulation is completed.. its just done. And we wait. 

My weekend wasn't anything spectacular.. just worked.. and ate chipotle. 

This turned into a short update, and I'll write more when I can. 

Until then!

Another New Cycle, a New Fresh Start

On Friday the nurse I had called and left a message with called back later in the afternoon told me she would start the conversation with my doctor and my nurse on getting up to date and confirm what my protocol is. I'll wait to hear from her next week, and get those med's ordered! ah!

I wanted to get my blood test done today (to check thyroid levels), but forgot I had a vet apt for my kittens. All is well and they're growing like weeds and costing a pretty penny. So I'll go to the lab tomorrow. Last time I had it checked it was a perfect score. The regular endocrinologist was happy. Praying for a good result this time. I'm not sure how I would feel if a high thyroid would again delay me for 6-9 weeks (like it did in the beginning).
But enough with all that...

My weekend was alright. I didn't do much of anything on Friday night when I got home b/c the 1st day of my cycle are always the hardest and painful. So I faithfully got my pint of ice cream, ate it, then went to bed.
Saturday I worked all day, went by pretty quickly. A friend was staying near by at a national park camping so I went o visit her. It was nice to relax and stuff my face full of marshmallows over the fire that girls built! (haaaaay!).

Finally, I get a S'more!

The fire that GIRLS built! 

#thebest #burnttoacrisp #meltinmymouth

Sunday, worked all day. The office person kept irritating me (the one who is always hating on me for one reason or another). Apparently a young girl used to work there, is now almost about to give birth. The office lady is talking to me like I'm supposed to care that this 18/19 year (who is on WIC, and getting food assistance already) is 5 weeks away from giving birth, then promptly living off my tax money.  She kept saying "all my little employees are growing up so fast..." ummm, no. No she is not growing up. I'm thinking, why are you talking to me about this? Is she doing this on purpose to upset me? Everyone at both jobs know my situation, so I'm not sure what her agenda was. So I just smiled and tried changing the subject.
When I got home, I helped my DH finish the 2nd bedroom for the kittens. They acclimated pretty well. I'm sure they like having more space to run around in, and look out the windows. I'm learning that I have to now purchase a "cat tree" (????) so my mother in law says.

My DH is away all week 4 hours away on some sort of training thing. I never know what to tell people so I just say "training."  I'll probably start OPK'ing it tomorrow and hope that I don't hit my peak until after he gets home.
I'm going to try and get the house clean so he doesn't come home to a mess. And we can then get straight to the baby-making. But I also need to get back to working out. I took almost a week off, and I feel huge - almost like I turned into a marshmallow (I did eat almost half the bag!).

I have some pretty big dead lines to meet this week at job#1, so I'll be working OT on top of the 26 hours at job#2. I'll betcha I'll top off at 70 hours this week....  ugh..

Speaking of deadlines, I better get on that..
Until next time....

There 'She' is...

Who made aunt flow a female anyways? Where did this originate from? So 100%, I'm not pregnant. I mourned this one a few days ago, so I'm not so disappointed to see 'her' come my way today. Except that I'm wearing my favorite comfy underwear as I'm staring at the pad I forgot to put on this morning...
I just read another new blog I ran into (shout out: Girl Ryanne). When I start reading a new blog, I like to go back and at least skim through the beginning and she said something on of her posts' where every cycle failed, is really a new opportunity for the next one. So that's where my head space is at. A few days through this agony, will present a new opportunity. My only fear is that, my DH is away on training all next week, will we miss our window? I've already told him, that I'm contemplating driving the 4 hours to get to him if I should happen to ovulate early.
But, either way - there will always be the next cycle after that. Which will also (hopefully) be our 1st medicated cycle for timed trying. I'm getting my thyroid blood levels checked on Monday so I hope it decided to stay on track and not act up. I don't feel any different from the last couple months, but I didn't feel that much when it decided to be an over active thyroid (which could have also been a factor for my loss).
I'll probably be calling my nurse at some point today to see what the next steps are/should be. Actually.. let me make the phone call now.. hang on a second..

>Insert Final Jepardy Music Here<

....... So my nurse is out on some sort of nurse conference and I left a message with another. I hope to hear back today, but will call again Monday... Tuesday... Wed.. well until I get in touch with someone I guess.
I need to get a move on, on organizing all of my "stuff." I have so much medical papers in a stack that I want to keep track of for tax purposes and insurance reasons. I doubt I will make the (I think its 15% of your income bracket) cut to write any of this stuff off, but I can always just be one safe side.

Anyways. So I don't have to work my 2nd job tonight (again!) so on the agenda is finishing cleaning the 2nd bedroom for the kittens. I've never had cats before, so I'm having to watch cat videos today at work to complete my research. I'm learning.. in my research.... that they like to knock stuff over. And chew on things (weird?). But they're so cute! I'll be doing another "wordless" post soon where I'll included pictures of those little growing weeds.
Then I'll polish off a pint of ice cream and go to bed.

Weekend plans anyone?
I, of course am working all day. My friend is camping in one of the mountains near by so I'll go visit her after I get off. And FINALLY get to eat a s'more!! I've been watching everyone buy the chocolate and marsh-mellows all summer and I haven't eat'n a s'more in such a long time. I'm very excited about this. And it will be nice to catch up with her. I hope she'll be doing the talking, cause I'll be eating constantly.
Sunday, again-work all day. And hopefully get into this meal prep thing I've been trying to do for like a month now. And also try to get into making smoothies/shakes in the morning. Oh, I guess there's laundry and all that jazz too.
Then it will be Monday again. I do have a few breaks I'm looking forward too. A pool day and a beach day towards the end of this month. I hope to fit in a spa day somewhere soon, before the September cycle so that I can start that cycle nice and calm. I'm also going to look into acupuncture. Any success stories?

I have a feeling today is going to go by super slow.. I've just checked my watch twice in a row, and within the same minuet. Ouy Vey!

Alright ladies. I hope everyone has a nice weekend! If you're struggling, I try to just remember to take each day as it comes. Focus on your goals for the day. And punch your pillow if you want.

Another One Bites the Dust...

I'm struggling to get through this day. My thoughts are everywhere, including writing this post over and over again. I'm at CD21/10dpo. I broke and took a test yesterday, and not to surprisingly it was BFN. I'm going to try and avoid being all sad and mopey so please forgive me if I slip. My cycles are usually 24-26 days, so I feel like taking a test at cd21 wasn't 'early.'  I hate the feeling of the anxiousness of waiting it out. I had a few cramps here and there, but nothing like the symptoms  before. So I kinda knew, but this confirmed it. Of course final confirmation will be when my lovely lady time shows up in a few days.
I wish my DH showed just a tad bit more emotions. I asked his last night if he was disappointed, and that we're now on the eve of our first treated cycle. He said he tries not to get invested until he knows its real. But that's really hard for a female NOT to do. You want and wish and hope that this time is the time it works. Why is it taking this long after the hard work that I put in? How much more do I have to go through?
Side note: now that I'm thinking about it, I should have my thyroid levels checked...
I realize that this is only the beginning for me, that I've only dipped my toe into fertility clinics and medications and doctor appointment's. This could turn into a long bumpy road ahead. One of the fears I had, has already happened. I'm 77% ready for it all, and I feel like if this last cycle on our own doesn't work, then it will be time and I will be ready for the next step. We have given it our all, and know that its been over 11 years of all kinds of trials and tribulations. It will be time to jump head 1st into the treatments.
I'm a big fan or working out when I get stressed. Its times like this where I wish I could just leave and go for a walk/run or go to my boot camp class and squat it out or punch something. Sweat out the tears, and shower off the emotions.
New running shoes should help, to which I will be buying today. Then meeting with a friend for a quick dinner. I have a pretty busy week ahead so I really wont get a work out in until Friday after job#1.
I'll also have to call my nurse soon to confirm my protocol for September, which by the way is next month (!!!!@##$$%$). Probably need to order all my meds/shots/etc and maybe go to a "class" to learn how to inject myself...  #awesomesause
I have a cute binder that I need to organize too, take out all of last years stuff and replace with new paper.
Alright beautiful ladies. This is turning into a to-do list post, so I'll scurry off and make a real to-do list.
Until next time!