So here we go...
DONT: "Are you pregnant yet?" or "Still no babies yet?" If I were pregnant, you'd better believe huffington post would pick up the story.
DONT: "You just need to stop stressing and relax, and it will happen." So, what your saying is, its that easy? wow! I NEVER thought of that before! It will happen?? But what if it doesn't, or that I've lost a baby already? Now your just pointing out that I'm a huge loser who doesn't have a kid yet. #icanteven Please for the love of cookie dough, stop telling me to relax. #seriously
DONT: "It'll happen one day, just wait your turn." Umm, did you really just say that? As previously mentioned, its been just about 11 years of trying. When you do supposed my turn will come?
DONT: "It was so easy for me to get pregnant! My husband just looked at
me and I was pregnant." So maybe I could borrow him for a min?
DONT: "Your not having kids because you are to career-focused." I don't have anything on this one.. this has never been me. Just another example of how AWESOME people can be!
DONT: "What a shame, your a women and you cant have children." A few thoughts on this one, if I were a feminist who's to say I WANTED to have children. But I'm not.. so I digress. But who's to say, I cant ... yet?
DONT: "Maybe you're not meant to be a mom. God has other plans for you." This one strikes home. This is something my dad said to me over the holidays. Why would God want me to suffer and be in pain and sorrow? That's not his plan. Why would God made an incredible science called Reproductive Endocrinology if it weren't meant to be used? If you have cancer, are you supposed to die because "that's what God wanted." NO!!!!! If you're sick, then don't you go to Target and pick up NyQuil?
DONT: "If you just lost a few pounds it would probably happy." As explained by my preacher husband.. yes dear. I KNOW THIS. He's really not a preacher. Just likes to act like one sometimes.
DONT: "Forget about it, you're trying to hard." As opposed to what? not trying hard? See above "relax".. ugh
DONT: "Why don't you just adopt? There are tons of kids that need homes." Ok, 1) there's nothing 'just' about it. Its not easy, they're not at target JUST laying around... I don't have a 2 right now..
DONT: "You don't know how lucky you are! Kids are expensive and a handful." Lucky? Lucky to see literally everyone around me have a cute pudgy little baby? Lucky, to have started counting backwards at my birthday... Lucky, to see everyone get to have their dream come true... yea.. lucky.
DONT: "Just get a dog." I have two of them, and I wish upon a star for them to turn into toddlers over night.. it hasn't happened yet. We're also considering a 3rd dog depending how on this year (2015) goes...
DONT: "I know exactly how you're feeling." Lets insert this too.. "I know exactly how you're feeling, I watched Guiliana & Bill..." haha!! or.. "I know exactly how you feel, I've been trying for a few months myself..." wow!! You too? I'll put it to you this way.. also as mentioned before, my husband has had three back surgery's.. you don't know back pain, really back pain is like. So when I hear you say "oh my back hurts.." please.. same goes with infertility.. "oh its been a few months?... please..
DONT: "You have two children. Isn't that enough?" Well, I don't.. but I can see how this can hurt. Who are you to judge when a family is complete?
DONT: "Haven't you learned after five miscarriages, that you should be done?" I haven't gone through this personally, but not to say I wont as I am just starting on this journey. But again.. you have no right to judge when someone should "just move on."
DONT: "You can have my children if you want." Don't tempt me..
DONT: Give advise. Unless you have gone through this, we'll say 'Journey' to be nice (sometimes its a nightmare), you don't have any advice to offer.
DONT: Complain about your pregnancy or children. This one kind of got me too, one of my best friends from college got pregnant (oppsie) and complained most of the time. I would give ANYTHING to be in her shoes. And when that time comes for me, if my pregnancy is hard, I'm going to thank the Lord everyday. This is all I ever wanted.
And also, I don't want to hear another story about how you know someone that knows someone who's tried for 15 years and BOOM got pregnant. Just like fingerprints, every ovary is different. That story has got nothing to do with my situation. Sometimes, science has to get involved.
I know your intentions are good. But you have to ask yourself, Am I a reproductive Endocrinologist? Probably not.
Instead..
DO: Lend a caring, patient ear. Sometimes we just need to talk and be heard. We're not always looking for an answer, or a response.
DO: Talk about things that are not centered around children or baby. Yes please. I'm currently looking into day hikes for the Appalachian Trail. I love to hike, so that's a great way to get me started on something else.
DO: Be understanding if they opt out of social obligation. Like not wanting to HOLD THE BABY.
DO: Think about what it is like in their shoes. So, if your in a younger relationship, thinking about everyone getting engaged before you. Having that beautiful wedding, you being the bridesmade to all of them - but you don't have that ring on your finger. How sometimes you get mad that you don't have that ring... like that, but babies.
I wish there were more you could do. Simply put, there is not much. This is why some couples go through this journey on the DL because they don't want the attention or have to share the losses with the wins. I on the other hand have 2 blogs now, and will talk till I'm blue in the face. However.. this is not a conversation to have waiting on dinner to arrive. If you really want to know the protocols, or want to know what I'm going through genually - I will be able to tell. And I will share my story. But once you start to get that 'face' where you're zoning out and not understanding, I will stop, and know that I probably wont be able to share anything with you until this is all over. #nooffence.
Article Links:
17 Things NOT to say to people with infertility - and what to do instead
Infertility Etiquette 101
The Worst Thing You Can Say During Infertility
(Another great article) 16 things You Should Never Say To A Women Who Is Childless But Not By Choice
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