June consisted of DH & I six year wedding annv, which means we've been together almost 12 years now, 12 years of trying. He was sweet and sent me flowers at work. They lasted almost a week. Beautiful pink and red roses. Right after that, it was go time. Fertile, ovulating.. or so I'd hope. I didn't get on my ovulation test's fast enough, so we do it every day that my app said, and more. It was quite exhausting! Days after I immediately began to cramp and I was SURE I was pregnant but wasn't really feeling anything else. I was constantly checking my symptoms from last time, and I was really kind of stressing. I mean.... in January we weren't trying really at all, at least not that hard and boom!
I ended up taking 3 tests and all BFN. It kind of threw me for a loop. This was our first time trying again after our loss and I was more excited than I though I would be, and more disappointed as well. I think that's were my "slump" started. I kind of started to rebel a little bit, stopped taking all my medications (thyroid, pre-natal, metformin). Thinking if it didn't work this time it never will! *insert sad pouty face here*
Well that didn't help at all, especially with my thyroid. I almost couldn't function b/c I was always so tired and lethargic, and things were falling apart. I began to fall behind at work. I didn't feel like working out. I withdrew from all of my friends. This all drove me deeper in my slump, I guess you could even say border line depressed.
Then I stupidly didn't put on sun screen when I went to the beach for the day, and I burned so bad that I couldn't move the next day, and hardly the day after that. Its been almost two weeks and I'm STILL peeling! So because of all of that, I missed the 2nd cycle completely. So now w're down to 2 more cycles before we being the treatments. And that scares me. I don't feel ready. I'm not happy where "I" am right now. Deeper into my slump I fall.
During all of this there was a women at my 2nd job who staring to be very hateful towards me. I'm not sure if I've mentioned her in a previous post, but she's like.. picking on me of sorts. Now she started saying that I was using my miscarriage as an excuse not to do my job. The assistant manager to whom she told this to, told me the next day. 1) This was SO not true 2) How does that even enter you mind to say? I have never once used my miscarriage as an excuse, or "dragged it out" as she also said. She goes on to compare me with another person who's had two miscarriages, and how she probably never took off, and this and that. I'm pretty sure 'she' doesn't want her miscarriages spoken in that kind of light, if at all, and then to compare mine to hers. How dare you. And I'll have you know (this is me talking to her face) that I went to the THE DAY I found out there was no longer a heart beat, why? I don't know. I took ONE day off work for my procedure. I was back to work the next scheduled day. Screw you women. So, I called the corporate HR and reported her. They reached out to the store manager the next day.
It wasn't resolved 100% to my satisfaction, but I just didn't want to talk about it anymore. Why keep dragging this thing out again.
AND another birthday went by and all I could think about was that, its another year and I'm still not a mother.
My husband will never know the pain I feel, especially the last three years or so. I didn't feel special at all this year. My worthless father of course didn't call or anything. My mom just facebooked me. My grammy didn't send me my annual card with 20 bucks in it. My husband tried. But I just wasn't feeling it at all.
God I sound so sad right now! Whats wrong with me?
I'm struggling with my internal decision making. I've been saying.. tomorrow I'll start my diet, working out, take my meds! (lol, that sounds bad..)
Well it starts today. I've made a commitment to work out with someone tonight, and again tomorrow morning. I started to take my thyroid medicine last week and feel better just from that. I've been taking my metformin again last last week, and I'm taking my pre-natals again. Hopefully this working out and finally going to the grocery store this weekend will put me back on the right path, b/c I need to gear up for cycle #3 next week. I'm going to the store and buying a new ovulation test thingy tonight so that's one less thing to worry about.
I guess I should probably get back to work. I've been pretending to write an email this whole time. I'm going to be fine. I have to be.
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