So it's the end of May?

How is it the end of May already? I mean seriously, I was stuck in April for the longest time it seemed like it would never end. Between car stuff & emotional healing from my loss, April was *THE* longest month.
But I'm kind of glad May is already almost over. I feel like getting through the last couple weeks was kind of like climbing a small mountain, because I was tested. Tested emotionally, tested physically, heck even fiscally.

Emotionally. 
There were a few things that happened in the last couple weeks, that could have had a detrimental effect on my life, but I choose not to let it effect me. I let it bounce of my armor that I now have on, and almost laughed at it.
In my previous post I mentioned my brother graduated, and that meant gathering of family. It really only turned out to be my mom, dad and his gf and myself. The rain delay went into effect so the graduation actually happened the day before it was scheduled, so a lot of my family that now live in the south couldn't make it.
My Dad and I do not have much of a relationship that he fails to understand why. Maybe he's claiming temporary insanity when he says some of things he says to me? Who knows...
Recapping what he said to me over Christmas, "God doesn't want me to have babies, must be the reason why your so old and have no kids yet" "I'll end up with a retard baby"  "I'll end up with 8 babies and lose like that crazy lady my house b/c clearly I cant afford 8 babies" "Why would you want to bring a baby into this awful world that's going to hell"  "oh your just a liberal republican."    ~ just wanted to add that one in for fun.
And I am not kidding. So when he said some things to me AT  my brothers graduation, in front of crowds of people, while we're trying to find my brother in the chaotic mess, I just had to laugh it off.
I had told my dad that I was pregnant on his birthday. Even though he said some hainess things to me, I thought he would have enjoyed knowing that there was going to finally be a grandchild. You know what he said to me after I said "Dad! Happy Birthday! Your going to be a Granddad!"  He said to me, in his most sarcastic voice ever.. "Oh, so the hand of God touched you?"  Wtf?
Luckily I was just on my break from my 2nd job, so I could only talk for a couple minuets, so I quickly got off the phone and tried to not cry.
When I miscarried, I didn't tell him. Long story short I know that my aunt told him b/c my Grammy even knew.
I don't know that I feel bad about that because I'm just a little bit angry at him anyways.
So at graduation he walks up to me (after not seeing me since Christmas Eve), gives me a sarcastic half smile and says  "So hows your physical condition?"    ........... um, excuse me what? my 'physical condition?' I said, what's that supposed to mean?   he replies "were you even pregnant, or was it a false positive?".........................     *mind blown*  I was STUNNED!!! How in the world can you even say that to your daughter, right there in the middle of the crowd at your sons graduation...  ? How does that even enter your mind?  As I'm writing this, I'm still shaking my head. I just look at him and say, "yes dad, I was really pregnant...."  and ended the conversation there.  I turned around to look for my brother, and my dad and his gf quietly left. So when I turned back around they were gone. No "see you laters, byes" nothing.  He didn't even invite me to the dinner he had for my brother, or breakfast before he left. He didn't include me at all. So, that's kind of it for me. I don't have it in me to let this effect me anymore. I used to. I used want to be that "daddy's little girl." But not anymore. I am not a replica of that person. Nor will I ever be. He has taught me what NOT be like as a parent.
I could have let that ruin my weekend and cried all the way home. But I didn't. There is no room for negativity in my life. I wont have it. Armour is on. I'm ready to fight for whats mine.

But wait....there's more!
Switching gears now. In Feb I was in a car accident right? Then all hell ensued for MONTHS afterwards, then of course the miscarriage just 20 days afterwards. But it all started with a jerkface that wasn't paying attention, and destroyed my car. It all started in that moment.
We live in a small town, so I knew that I'd run into this guy at some point. I work at the only grocery store in town, and it finally happened. He came through my check out line. When I looked at him... this feeling washed over me. It almost made me sick. And then I realized, "I think that's him...." and when he handed me his store savings card, there it was... his name. It was him. I must have had a look on my face because he, then got this look in his face like "I know her from somewhere..." and he figured it out by the end of the transaction. He didn't end up saying anything to be, but quietly putting his groceries in his cart and left.
I had thought about this moment for so long, what would I do, what would I say? Would I even say anything?  Here's a little tidbit.. I was bored at work one day and I googled his name. Turns out he's a rapist and is a tier 3 sex offender registrant, meaning he has to check in with state police every three months...AND he lives just down the way from me (maybe 3 minuets). So I had to think, do I make it clear to never come around me again? (i.e AVOID my line at the g-store) or do I not poke the bear and have him case my house (he knows my address from the police report) and have something happen?   I choose in that moment not to say anything. But if he does come through my line again, he's doing so blatantly, and I will then tell him to -please- try and not come through my line.

Again, I could have crumbled after seeing him. I was shaking and had to walk away from my register for a moment. Seeing him represented everything I had just gone through.  But I had my Armour on and recovered quickly.  It just so happened, three people later came through my line and bought pregnancy tests. It was a one-two punch kind of day for me.

Physically.
I have been slowly but surely working on my fit-naaaaasss.   Its been a challenge to really find the time to work out/run when I'm working 65+ hours a week. But the nights I'm not working my 2nd job I have been consistently active. Since 'being pregnant' I've lost a little over 15 pounds and have kept it off. But I'm at a stand still. The scale isn't budging. I'll admit, my eating habits are much to be improved on. So that's my next "phase" is really working on the diet. It's going to be a challenge b/c I usually need something quick and easy. And usually that means mac n'cheese. I know your going to say "meal prep" but I'm not home long enough to do that. Or awake long enough. So I'll have to figure that one out. I'm going to start this new diet thing after my period that is supposed to be arriving any day now.

And after its over, we'll be trying for a baby again. I feel completely ready now. And I'm excited that we're trying again. But I also don't want to get ahead of myself. I'm in such a good place to where I'm still focusing on one step at a time, so we'll do our thang this time around, and if it works great. And if not, there's next cycle. I'm slowly building up my mental capacity to handle the commitment I have with staying active, now adding on smarter eating.. on top of that starting to track everything again on getting pregnant. Even if we go all the way to September and we're starting treatments, if just give me more time to sharpen my mind, get my body "babyfit" as I like to call it.
I keep picturing myself in maternity sweaters over the winter, and how long and gorgeous my hair will be. How I wont have to worry about the stupid tuck in your shirt rule at work will be cause there wont be any tucking with with a baby belly. So I'm mentally there and ready. I'm ready for whatever happens.

Fiscally. 
Yea... there's that money thing again. DH & I are finalizing the projects and budgets on our house. I've agreed to help pay for a new front door with side lights (the windows beside the door). So I had to rearrange some things in my personal budget to cover it and hope that I make enough in my 2nd income to cover it all. Now that we've made the decision to start again, just going off the fact that I could get pregnant the first time, that means will only have 8/9/10ish months to finish everything. So its going to be really tight on the wallet. That will also help my mocha latte addiction. I not only need to give up caffeine, but turns out, I can't afford the caffeine! win win!

So that's the May round up. Not much happening this weekend for Memorial day. Working... but I will try to work on my gardens. Maybe even do a before & after photo for you.
I am however very much looking forward to June. It marks DH & I 6 year anniversary <3  AND!!! My 4th, 29th birthday :)   And hopefully pregnant.