Emotional Waves

Overwhelmed, stressed, tired, worried, anxious, fear, angry, these are a few of my favorite things. NOT!

These emotions are knocking me down to my knees. Much like a wave from the ocean if you just stand there. You try so hard to fight that wave, but it still knocks you down and sometimes tries to drown you. I'm -right-there-. Again, staring at the edge of a cliff.

When I get overwhelmed, like I'm in the bottom of a dried up well looking up at the bright circle above being the sky, I withdraw from life. I cower into the darkness and wait till its over. But I can't do that this time. So I'm struggling. Big time. Its seems as if my prayers aren't enough. I pray over and over again at night, Lord take these feelings away from me, help me back into the light. But I still feel this way.  And I'm not sure what else I can do right now to get back up, back away from the cliff.

Hormones? maybe. All of a sudden I feel like all these things are happening at once at warp speed.

Since being diagnosed with Placenta Previa, I'm getting scared to death that I'm going to go into labor early. Everyone wants to offer their 2cents. "My sister had that and she went 8 weeks early, Oh! My neighbor had that and went 10 weeks early."  I'm 20 weeks this week. That means they could potentially come in 10 more weeks. I'm not ready. Not even emotionally at this point.

I am eternally grateful that I'm even pregnant. Every day I think God for another day of life. However, lately it seem's I'm enjoying this pregnancy less and less. I have moments of sunshine, when we made it past 8 weeks, then 12, when I get to see them on the big screen, when we found out the genders. The next big milestone is making it past 24 weeks. Then 30 weeks, then 35 weeks. Then birth. But these moments of happiness are being taken over with all these feelings.

A girl at my second job asked me such a stupid question, and I tried not to let it bother me and now its playing hand in hand with the previa. She staring at my stomach... just staring. Then all of a sudden she ask's me "what would you do if one of them died?"  ummm..... WHAT?!?!?!  This girl didn't know that I've already lost one, almost a year ago at the end of this month. But what on earth would prompt you to ask this, I'm not sure. So now the fear is upfront and center again. Every time I use the loo, examining the toilet paper, do I see anything? Not yet.

And maybe that's where some of this is coming from. Knowing that this time last year I was pregnant, and knowing that in two weeks time I wouldn't be any longer. Goodness, I'm fighting back tears now.

The house isn't ready. There still so much to do and we haven't even begun on the nursery. I'm getting bombarded with "do you have a registry set up yet?"  Trying to fit that into my schedule right now, while working two jobs has been so stressful. I don't even know where to begin and I feel like we need so much stuff and/or worried that we wont have enough. I haven't had time to really research anything. Like tonight for instance, we're supposed to do Toy's R'Us when I get off work. But now, DH can't do it because he's working late (because he's stressing about money, which is stressing me out. Can I afford to quit my 2nd job? But will working a second job work me right into bed rest/pre labor? See what I mean???).
We can't do it this weekend either. After working my 2nd job on Saturday - we're going shopping with my mom to pick out kitchen appliances (which by the way we're not ready to install yet either, but mom is INSISTING we go shopping this.weekend.) Then I just know I'll be pooped, but I still have to go through my clothes and pack things away/give things away. Beeeeecause on Sunday - again after working my 2nd job, going over to the in-laws (with whom we'll have to have a serious convo about watching the kids soon, which I'm so nervous they'll say no-insert stress w/money again) to switch clothes out. Because we have to put the dresser into the closet, so that we can move the desk out of the nursery and into the master bedroom.

Then all of a sudden its Monday again.
I have a apt with my thyroid doc, which I believe my thyroid is still messed up b/c I'm losing a bunch of hair. I think to myself, why can't this doctor get my dosage straight? Why am I changing dosage EVERY 4 WEEKS? Does this effect the babies?

My husband stressed out real bad after we got our taxes done the other night. At my 2nd job, I claimed 2 exemptions for state and federal, which means very little taxes were taken out. First of all, I don't feel like I should have been working a second job. But that's a different story for a different day. Second, it was this money that helped me pay for things. (i.e TREATMENTS!, a new car b/c mine was destroyed, etc etc) that I didn't feel like I could ask him to pay for.   Therefore, we're not getting much of a return. And he was upset with me. That only pushed me further into the deep sea. I didn't do that intentionally. But because of the treatments I paid for, we're getting TWO kids to write off next year and get money back on top of that. It will because of ME that we'll get a significant amount back next year.
I'm supposed to put in my two weeks at my second job tomorrow. But he has me second guessing that I can't afford to do that. But every day, I'm reminded in one way or the other that the health of these babies are way more important that some dumb job. So I'll be doing it anyways.
But then that got me looking at our budget. How are we supposed to do this?  >deep breath<

And by the way, I'm tired all the time. And I'm hungry.

Lets just add in the stress of working job#1 while I'm at it. Deadlines are one thing. My boss hasn't approached me about the logistics of my leave, or anything. So I feel like I have to prepare myself. I'm reviewing the outdated procedure and updating them, making list's of what I do daily-weekely-monthly, making calendar reminders, etc. I've already started to spread the word to people I work with in other departments that I'll be on maternity leave, soon, so they can let me know if there is anything I need to cover in my procedures and get them into the mindset that I'll be gone for awhile. But the fact that she hasn't started to think about it yet, means maybe she doesn't take this seriously? or that I'll come back to a complete mess. I've worked this job now for 2 years. I have everything down to a science. To think that I would have to start all over when I get back... uuugghhh.


How do I stop the madness? How do I get out of this well? Get of out the ocean so I can stare at the beautiful blue water?

Happy Friday.

Until next time - -