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Mother In Law, says "Pick out any chair you want (for the nursery) and we'll pay for it, and a changing table too." Ok Great! So we went to a few stores and ended up at Baby's R'Us, and sat in all the chairs, and found one we really liked. One that I really liked, because it will be me feeding these babies (I'm having twins) every 3 hours, and me holding them, rocking them to sleep. I want and need to be comfortable. Plus, after going through infertility and treatments, after 11 years finally getting our babies, you know what? I deserve to get what I want. I deserve to have the nursery how I want.
White chair being 'my chair.' Glider being 'her' chair.
So, she went to the store. Sat in the char. And didn't like it. Responds back in text to my husband, "we didn't like the chair, plus its a little expensive." And left it at that.
So... does that mean your not going to buy the chair anymore? Not even go halfsies? Thats it? Because you don't like the chair?
The next day, the in-laws took it upon themselves to go to a furniture store and picked out a glider. Sent my husband a picture. So we went down and looked at it. Its an "ok" chair, but its not the one I picked out. It doesn't have enough room to move around or the arm support with enough cushion. There was a rhyme to my reason as to why I picked out the chair I did. So I said I didn't like it.
My husband starts to yell/whisper at me with big angry eyes, right there in the furniture store, "well you're going to have to say yes to the chair, or they might retaliate and say no to watching the kids (day care), why don't you want a free chair?" So I start to cry. 1) I'm super pregnant 2) Even HE JUST said if I didn't like the chair he would buy the one I wanted. 3) I want the chair that I wanted for free, not the chair that SHE wants. So now they're BOTH going back on their word. So already I hate the chair. I hate having to submit to someone else's needs and wants or agree to something but with strings attached. I've always been really super super independent. Always worked for what I wanted, and never really took any handouts. This is why I worked a 2nd job for the last year b/c I didn't want to have to beg my husband for money, or have him buy things that I wanted or needed (aka a new car that I ended up having to buy, treatments that I paid for, doctors appointments that I STILL pay for, etc) So agreeing to this chair is going against everything that I stand for.
I'm going to be forced to say I like the chair, and having them buy it. By the way, the chair was 389.99 and the chair I wanted was 399.99. I'm not sure I understand why 10.00 is such a big difference. But it's because its the chair SHE wanted.
This is what we agreed on. We'll put the stupid freaking chair in the living room. And somehow I'll scrounge enough money to get the chair I that freaking wanted and put that in the nursery. He'll have to explain why we put 'her' chair in the living room. I could care freaking less at this point.
I don't even care if she says yes to watching the kids anymore. Because you know what? It will be the same type of drama. She'll raise the kids how she wants to, and not abide by the routine I have set up for the kids. "She's raised three kids, she knows how to do it... blah blah blah." This is exactly how it will end up being. The only caviot is that having her watch them will save us 1,3000.00 a month.
Hoping you had a better Sunday than I did.
This is the reason I paid for my own vehicle when I was 16, I paid for my own dress, and IF we ever have children, I will pay for everything for their room. I refuse to let someone else dictate what goes in my home or something I am going to be using every day.
ReplyDeleteIt's so unfortunate that she didn't just listen to your needs and what you thought would be best and you felt forced into buying "her" chair. I hope you can get the chair you wanted and you can sit in it with your babies and stick your tongue her way when she isn't looking when you are sitting cozy in the chair you wanted ;) LOL!
yes! me to. I've paid for my own things, even still being married, we have our own accts and one joint. It's an interesting development, b/c it didn't use to be like this. But I think too, its because its her $$, its gotta be her way. I will come up with the money somehow for MY chair! I've got a few months to save ;)
DeleteOh honey. As you've clearly discerned, this is about more than the chair.
ReplyDeleteI'm of the camp of taking steps back and breathing during situations like this. But I also think you need to have a heart-to-heart with your husband about your MIL. Because twin parenting is hard enough when everyone is on board. Have an honest conversation about how you guys need to be a team going into this. That your MIL needs to be a source of support, not stress. If needed, enlist your OB/GYN on this conversation and discuss seeing the social worker at your clinic.
And then start calling daycares or looking into nanny options. I know how expensive this is (the Beats are 2 1/2 yrs old and have been in daycare since they were 5 months old, so I really do understand), but you not battling with your MIL about parenting practices will be worth every penny.
Because this should not be about a power trip. Your MIL needs to be a part of the solution. And if she's not willing to be, then limit her contact with your babies.
And finalize this by thanking her for the offer of the chair, but tell her that you've decided to purchase one on your own.
I just think its the beginning, and your right, if we're not on the same team, it will never end. I've been peeking to see whats out there as far as the child care things. Looking at 100-200 per kid, per week. It would save us huge if she watched them, but it would cost us anyways with the drama. Or don't have drama and pay 1300.00 a month. It's been tough!
DeleteIt is a tough decision. But keep your options open.
DeleteAnd take hubs with you for some daycare tours. He'll hear about all the regulations and academic considerations they do. Will open his eyes (in a good way) to what's involved and get him thinking about leaving them with MIL. You may decide that it's a better deal for all of you long term.
I credit our daycare teachers for teaching us a lot of the skills I used (and still use) with the Beats. We've paid a small fortune for this (currently it's $640 a week for both of them, though initially it was $895 per week), but we didn't have other options and the benefits have been huge (which we weren't expecting).
Hang in there. You don't need or deserve this drama.
Thanks Cristy!! That's a great idea. Kind of seeing what your paying for.
DeleteI hate to say this, but I think it starts with the chair... There is a triangle with the MIL forming a vertex and exerting her influence. I went through this long ago and it opened my eyes to loyalty. It has become a sort of guiding principle regarding relations. Take care.
ReplyDeleteIf its one thing I've learned in the 12 years I've been with my husband, is that she is calculated in her moves. This isnt the first grandchild in the family, but its the fact that we live close and she gets to be involved with mine (SIL lives in AZ and BIL lives in TN). So maybe she feels like she is entitled to some control?
DeleteYou can't let her start now, holding the daycare issue over you as a threat. And you and your husband are going to need to set down limits from day one (or clearly, before day one) to avoid problems later. This is your time. You can ask for help, but you don't have to take advice or gifts you don't want.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I wouldn't want that chair in the living room either, as it would make me feel resentful every time I looked at it. I'd rather have no chair than one that made me feel angry or beaten every time I saw it let alone sat in it. Can't you offer to her to go halvsies in the chair you want?
Its more of my husband holding it over my head-right now anyways. He feels like we need to kiss ass in hopes that the in-laws will say yes to day care. You know? Its been a few days now, and this is still on my mind. Hoping for some clarity soon! And by way folks! My chair is on sale! if that's not a sign!!
DeleteUgh. It's so hard when something "good" turns into something not so good. I think Cristy and your other commenters are very wise. Sounds like strings have always been attached and you might not be able to change that.
ReplyDeleteI hope to at least loosen the grip!
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