Emotional Waves

Overwhelmed, stressed, tired, worried, anxious, fear, angry, these are a few of my favorite things. NOT!

These emotions are knocking me down to my knees. Much like a wave from the ocean if you just stand there. You try so hard to fight that wave, but it still knocks you down and sometimes tries to drown you. I'm -right-there-. Again, staring at the edge of a cliff.

When I get overwhelmed, like I'm in the bottom of a dried up well looking up at the bright circle above being the sky, I withdraw from life. I cower into the darkness and wait till its over. But I can't do that this time. So I'm struggling. Big time. Its seems as if my prayers aren't enough. I pray over and over again at night, Lord take these feelings away from me, help me back into the light. But I still feel this way.  And I'm not sure what else I can do right now to get back up, back away from the cliff.

Hormones? maybe. All of a sudden I feel like all these things are happening at once at warp speed.

Since being diagnosed with Placenta Previa, I'm getting scared to death that I'm going to go into labor early. Everyone wants to offer their 2cents. "My sister had that and she went 8 weeks early, Oh! My neighbor had that and went 10 weeks early."  I'm 20 weeks this week. That means they could potentially come in 10 more weeks. I'm not ready. Not even emotionally at this point.

I am eternally grateful that I'm even pregnant. Every day I think God for another day of life. However, lately it seem's I'm enjoying this pregnancy less and less. I have moments of sunshine, when we made it past 8 weeks, then 12, when I get to see them on the big screen, when we found out the genders. The next big milestone is making it past 24 weeks. Then 30 weeks, then 35 weeks. Then birth. But these moments of happiness are being taken over with all these feelings.

A girl at my second job asked me such a stupid question, and I tried not to let it bother me and now its playing hand in hand with the previa. She staring at my stomach... just staring. Then all of a sudden she ask's me "what would you do if one of them died?"  ummm..... WHAT?!?!?!  This girl didn't know that I've already lost one, almost a year ago at the end of this month. But what on earth would prompt you to ask this, I'm not sure. So now the fear is upfront and center again. Every time I use the loo, examining the toilet paper, do I see anything? Not yet.

And maybe that's where some of this is coming from. Knowing that this time last year I was pregnant, and knowing that in two weeks time I wouldn't be any longer. Goodness, I'm fighting back tears now.

The house isn't ready. There still so much to do and we haven't even begun on the nursery. I'm getting bombarded with "do you have a registry set up yet?"  Trying to fit that into my schedule right now, while working two jobs has been so stressful. I don't even know where to begin and I feel like we need so much stuff and/or worried that we wont have enough. I haven't had time to really research anything. Like tonight for instance, we're supposed to do Toy's R'Us when I get off work. But now, DH can't do it because he's working late (because he's stressing about money, which is stressing me out. Can I afford to quit my 2nd job? But will working a second job work me right into bed rest/pre labor? See what I mean???).
We can't do it this weekend either. After working my 2nd job on Saturday - we're going shopping with my mom to pick out kitchen appliances (which by the way we're not ready to install yet either, but mom is INSISTING we go shopping this.weekend.) Then I just know I'll be pooped, but I still have to go through my clothes and pack things away/give things away. Beeeeecause on Sunday - again after working my 2nd job, going over to the in-laws (with whom we'll have to have a serious convo about watching the kids soon, which I'm so nervous they'll say no-insert stress w/money again) to switch clothes out. Because we have to put the dresser into the closet, so that we can move the desk out of the nursery and into the master bedroom.

Then all of a sudden its Monday again.
I have a apt with my thyroid doc, which I believe my thyroid is still messed up b/c I'm losing a bunch of hair. I think to myself, why can't this doctor get my dosage straight? Why am I changing dosage EVERY 4 WEEKS? Does this effect the babies?

My husband stressed out real bad after we got our taxes done the other night. At my 2nd job, I claimed 2 exemptions for state and federal, which means very little taxes were taken out. First of all, I don't feel like I should have been working a second job. But that's a different story for a different day. Second, it was this money that helped me pay for things. (i.e TREATMENTS!, a new car b/c mine was destroyed, etc etc) that I didn't feel like I could ask him to pay for.   Therefore, we're not getting much of a return. And he was upset with me. That only pushed me further into the deep sea. I didn't do that intentionally. But because of the treatments I paid for, we're getting TWO kids to write off next year and get money back on top of that. It will because of ME that we'll get a significant amount back next year.
I'm supposed to put in my two weeks at my second job tomorrow. But he has me second guessing that I can't afford to do that. But every day, I'm reminded in one way or the other that the health of these babies are way more important that some dumb job. So I'll be doing it anyways.
But then that got me looking at our budget. How are we supposed to do this?  >deep breath<

And by the way, I'm tired all the time. And I'm hungry.

Lets just add in the stress of working job#1 while I'm at it. Deadlines are one thing. My boss hasn't approached me about the logistics of my leave, or anything. So I feel like I have to prepare myself. I'm reviewing the outdated procedure and updating them, making list's of what I do daily-weekely-monthly, making calendar reminders, etc. I've already started to spread the word to people I work with in other departments that I'll be on maternity leave, soon, so they can let me know if there is anything I need to cover in my procedures and get them into the mindset that I'll be gone for awhile. But the fact that she hasn't started to think about it yet, means maybe she doesn't take this seriously? or that I'll come back to a complete mess. I've worked this job now for 2 years. I have everything down to a science. To think that I would have to start all over when I get back... uuugghhh.


How do I stop the madness? How do I get out of this well? Get of out the ocean so I can stare at the beautiful blue water?

Happy Friday.

Until next time - -

It's Finally Here - Gender Reveal!!

Ladies, I can finally announce that I'm having a .....

All from 18w4d Sonogram:

Baby Boy Foot

Handsome Baby Boy Profile

Baby Girl Foot

Beautiful Baby Girl Profile

Am I done having kids after this sine I'll have one of each? That's the main question I get asked, and the answer is most likely not, I'll want to squeeze another baby in my arms in a few years. Plus, whats one more after having twins as your first set if kids? It'll be a breeze  :)     At least, that's what I keep telling myself.  But of course, it may be to late in a few years cause we'll have to go through treatments again, and who knows how my eggs will be since I'll be closer to 35 when/if we want a 3rd. Cross that bridge when I get to it.

So! A few updates. And hopefully some of you reading can give me some advice. I had my 18w check up with the perinatal doc Monday. Turns out, I've developed Placenta Previa. Has anyone had experience with this?  Baby girl's placenta is covering my cervix. Hopefully she'll grow upwards into the uterus and the everything will be fine. I haven't had any bleeding (yet), but I have a strong feeling it happened after some 'adult time' with the husband (which that, and/or heaving lifting can cause the shift to happen). I had a dream, and I wanted it in real life dang it! But afterwards I felt a discomfort in the groin/lower ab area and it hasn't really gone away. When my bladder is full I feel it most. I go every other week to the high risk, so at least it will be checked a lot. And no more adult time probably for the rest of this pregnancy. I'm kinda ok with that though. And no heavy lifting over 20lbs. So I'll probably cancel my personal training sessions.

Other than that, babies are developing just fine. Perfect little heart beats. They've been getting the anatomy scanned every time I go in (every 2 weeks since 12 weeks till 24 weeks) so I wont have the long awaited 20w scan. They're 9oz each. No measurements yet, but my apps say they're about  6-7 inches long. I've definitely have a bump now, but I'm still having a hard time excepting that its a 'real' bump and not just bloat/fat, etc. Maaaybe I'll get someone to take a picture of me today and upload it later.
I haven't gained by 5lbs this whole time, thanks to my thyroid which is now over active, so another dosage change, and another follow up in 2 weeks. But the doctor said its fine, as long as the babies are where they should be, and that there is enough fluid in each sack. And they're fine.

We also had a major snow storm this past weekend. I'll include some photo's at the end. And I just read that the rodent didn't see his shadow! Yay for spring and flip flops for my pregnant feet, which have gotten bigger by the way.

Another things I need your help on - Registry's. I've already been hounded on "do you have a registry yet?"  Between working 2 jobs, and having enough energy to get through my day - WHEN am I supposed to have done  registry?  So, I'll be getting on that in the next couple week.
Car seats - I'm totally confused with this one. What did you do?

My headaches have gotten better, instead of 5 days out of the, I'm down to 2 or 3 days I'm getting headaches. But mostly its b/c I'm getting hungrier and if I don't get something to eat fast enough I'll get a headache. My books still hurt every so often, mostly in the morning as I'm getting up I can feel them.  I finally got some pregnancy bra's to wear, and I'm almost exclusively in all maternity clothes now.

Thanks to facebook, it reminded me today is also the day I was in my car accident that destroyed my car (read: Here ). Later learning it would destroy my life - at least for a little bit. Jan 30th was the day I found out I was pregnant with my miracle child. We were just about ready to start our 1st round of treated cycles. And today, Feb 2nd would be the day that would be the beginning of the end. Just like another blogger, I think I will blog on the anniversary dates. I feel like this would be a way I can still honor my 1st child and work through some of the feelings that happened "a year ago today."  I still miss my car. It was one of the 'adult purchases' that I was proud of. And it was a super cute car to boot. I probably would have had to turn it in for a bigger car anyways, but it all worked out in the end. This was another time in my life where I questioned Gods intentions. Why would be bring such a tribulation into my life at such a (at the time) joyous time. I was dealing with both insurances, 2 different claims, dealing with honda, then dealing with the insurance I purchased to pay off the balance of the lien. Every day was 5 phone calls to keep everyone on track. I was the squeaky wheel and it only turned into a 3 month ordeal when I finally paid off the lien, and purchased a new car and got a pay out from the guys insurance (of whom hit me). More to follow as the anniversary dates near.

Well that about does it for this update! I'll be giving my notice soon on the 2nd job -I'll have to tell you how that goes. I'm wondering if the manager will be a witch about it. Oh well, at this point. These next few paychecks will pay for the parenting classes I want to take.

OK Ladies! Until next time -

My car is under there somewhere. 

Looking down on the side porch. 

My main man snow plowing away. 

Looking at the neighbors driveway, road under 2"+ of snow. 

Gender Reveal Coming Soon!

Pink & Pink? Pink & Blue? Blue & Blue? 

I know something you don't know, na-ne-na-ne-boo-boo  :) <3

16 Week Catch Up

I had every intention of writing sooner. Another big deadline at job#1, and just being plain exhausted has prevented me.

So, lets catch up. The twin news became official right after Christmas. I'd be surprised if no one knows at this point. But for some reason, I still feel the need to hide it. I've been hiding my budding belly for awhile. I think its another round of fear coming over me, and I'm not sure where its really coming from. It's almost like I'm still afraid to admit it because if something happens, then everyone will eventually find out. Every appointment has been perfect, so there is no real worry at this point. It's just the anxiety I feel again. I think it's going to stay with me until they're here.
Anyone with pregnancy after loss have any words of wisdom?  Why do I keep looking for things to go wrong? Why can't I fully enjoy this pregnancy?

Switching gears.
Holy Growth! I woke up at 14w4 days (on a monday) and could hardly walk! My hips! My uterus! Oy Vey! Most days I can feel the stretching. Some days are worse than others.

My 14 week appointment went ok. I had mentioned last time that the tech was terrible, and I hope I never get her again.
Started off normal, and then she just slabbored the gel all over my tummy. Then she just went right into scanning both babies, telling me nothing. Didn't explain what she was doing, and was all over the belly b/c the babies kept moving around. So I started to ask "what are you doing, whats that, is that this.. is that that?" She seemed really annoyed with me that I was asking questions. After she was finished, she wiped the wand on the cover thingy and then told me to use the same cover to wipe off. Can't you give me a clean towel? ugh. Trying to clean myself off, I had the gel all over my hands, on my clothes. The pictures ended up being terrible. She took it upon her self to cut them up and and only give me two. One was an 'ok' profile, and the other just looked like a black picture.

I had my regular OB appointment later in that week, and it went ok as well. I guess I just feel like the practice I'm at is big buisnessy feel. Sure you have the nurses who really care, but its really about getting you in, answer questions, and get out. It was a nice surprise to get to hear the heart beats via the doppler. She couldn't find baby b's HB b/c of to much movement.  I ended up with a nurse practitioner this time around. She was nice. I've gotten used to the rotation of doctors from going through all this fertility jazz. It was the same way at the clinic.

I have the 16 week appointment on Monday, and hopefully find out the genders. If they'll stay still for a second! The DH is coming with me on this one, so it would be nice for us to be together and find out. I finally have an idea or two on how to tell the masses (FB), but I still need an idea on how to tell family and work mates. I'm desperately trying to avoid the whole cake thing, but its so easy. So I'll have to pintrest this weekend to find something.

Oh!! You guys!! I called off on job #2 20 min before my shift with a "headache."  You should be proud of me. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't stand for 4 hours with the pain I was in already. They weren't happy, but of flipping well. They all probably called me names all night.
But this prompted a conversation with the DH about when I can quit. I'm happy to announce that we have come up with a date of Feb 5th, to put in my two weeks then. So happy that we're on the same page now. But now, I just have to hang on for a few more weeks and hope that it all ends on good terms. I'll have to grocery shop there!

Other than that, not much going on. Sleeping a lot. Trying to read these 4 prego books that I have. No real plans for the weekend except work, and put in  hours for job#1 in order to meet the big deadline for next Friday. I have off Monday (gov't holiday) so I've stacked three doctor's appointment's for the day; thyroid doc, baby doc & gastro doc. Then promptly home to crash, and fall asleep at 7pm.

Hoping you have a better weekend than me!
Maybe next post I'll be brave and start doing the whole bump pic thing. I'm only starting to embrace it now.
Until Then - -

Coming Out of the Pregnancy Closet

Haaay! It's been a min since I've written. Things have been pretty busy at job#1, lots of deadlines and we're changing over to a new system soon and I'm being considered an "expert" (???lol) in my area.

So lets see, last time we talked about the 12 week visit and plans for Christmas. I hope each of you had a nice time with family/friends, or even with just your husband. I kind of always prefer it just be He and I rather than having to put on "a face." I had a pretty good Christmas, santa gave me what I wanted and we got to tell our news to the family.

But lets back up a few weeks, to just after 8 weeks when we told our parents (well... my mom and in-laws... I'll get to my dad's reaction shortly).

My Mom:
I work two jobs, about 70 hours a week. So when I say I'm busy, I'm busy get it? My mom lives in another state right now, so seeing each other as much as she wants just isn't possible without like a months notice so I can put in a request for time off. She was going down to FL to visit my brother for thanksgiving, and made a really big deal about wanting her boots (that she had mailed to me while she was in Hawaii *rolls eyes*). This was a text conversation, so I looked at my schedule and said, 'ok, the only time is Saturday at so and so time." Ok! Dinner date set. At least I'll get free dinner out of it.  Now, it was not my intention to tell anyone till we passed the 12 week mark, but as soon as we sat down at the table "you're pregnant aren't you." There goes the surprise! And because I just can't lie without giving it away, I said yes I handed her the sonogram picture, and she was looking at it funny. I said, 'Mom, its twins - there's two in there...' 'oh yea I see that now.'   ......... That was it.
There hasn't been much more excitement since. I was maybe contributing the non-excitement based on the fact that I lost my 1st one at 8 weeks, so she didn't want to get to excited. But now, its like um.. I'm just about half way there, and you have yet to really be involved with anything. I just find it weird. I dunno..   Maybe when I have the energy to actually have a conversation about it, I will. But right now, I don't.

In-Laws:
My MIL can also spot a lie 5 miles away. She'll never ask me anything, but will grill my DH up and down. I had gotten the hemorrhage right before Thanksgiving, so doctors orders were to take the rest of the week off from both jobs. My DH calls and lets my in-laws know that I will now be joining them for dinner b/c I have to rest..?? (WHY would he say that? he could have said, my schedule changed...) So she knew right then and there. Thanksgiving day rolls around, and my plan was to ask my husband for two rolls... and then I would ask him to go put them in the oven for 6-7 more months and see if they would catch on. Good right??? Except as soon as my husband gives me the two buns I just bust out laughing, like catch my breath, tears coming out of my eyes laughing. So I have napkin on my eyes b/c I'm crying. Holding two buttery buns in my hands, and my MIL was like "you're pregnant!"  I said "yes, but with two - get it? two buns..?" There reaction was better than my moms. But they were also cautionary. Just kept saying "well we hope you make it, but I wouldn't tell anyone just yet..."   Again.... what??? Keep that 'ish to yourself. How about, Yes! Your having these babies, yay! Anyways...  they have been coming around and say things like "when the babies get here..." so that make me feel better.

Dad's Side:
 I was most excited about telling my Grammy. She has been praying for me for years and has only ever wanted my happiness. So I made a T-Shirt that said "Taylor Twins Arriving June 2016" and wore it to my dad's side of the Christmas gathering. I didn't know this about my Grams but she said to me later that night, that whenever someone has a design or lettering on a shirt she zero's in on it right away. So it was PERFECT that I had the t-shirt idea. As soon as I walked into her house and around the corner into the living room, she read it and screamed - jumped off the couch and hugged me and cried with me. Just kept saying "I am so happy for you, I am so happy, praise Jesus." I'm so mad I didn't catch it on video. Oh well. Most of my aunts (4 of them, with lots and lots of cousins and 2nd cousins) were really happy for me. Same sort of reaction - jaw dropped. Grammy kept saying to everyone, "go read Kim's shirt!!" haha.
My dad's reaction...  heh..  was different.  He had told me last Christmas Eve how much he was against me using "science" to have a baby, etc. I didn't notice when I walked in (because I completely ignored him), my husband saw him look at his girlfriend and roll his eyes and that she made a face back at him. When my gammy asked if he knew, he just said "no.."  and I came to my defense and I said that NO ONE knew! (so um, stop giving me attitude), his first words to me were "was it a test tube baby?" and half hugged me. I said, no dad - but thanks. Just like his reaction from my 1st pregnancy (that he later questioned) 'guess you were touched by the hand of God..." ugh.  I don't think he believed me when I said I didn't do IVF, but oh flipping well. And he wonders why I don't really speak to him?

Mother Side:
Mom had warned me that Emily - my cousin was pregnant too, also due in June. There reaction might not be so warming to my news. And they are kind of self involved people anyways, so I knew this. I wore my t-shirt again. Definitely not jumping off the couch, but were like "oh good news!" "Emily's pregnant too!!" Yea thanks. During the dinner, no one asked my or my DH anything. It was all about Emily. Totally get it, its your daughter, but its also her third kid. I have been very open about the things I've been through, so I was expecting a little bit more. But I decided not to let it affect me like that.

Work:
Its allll out in the open now. Everyone knows. And I feel weird that people are talking about it. I guess I just don't like the attention on me. Nothing really exciting, except the fact that our "go live" date for our new system will happen as I'm giving birth. So my expertise will have to be shared with my manager. The finance director made the announcement at today's meeting "Kim's pregnant with twins.." so everyone was looking at me.

That's it! I'm pretty happy all around that the general public didn't really know until I reached the safe zone. But personally I still feel like sometimes this is just still unreal. I went shopping for maternity clothes at Kohls and I'm walking towards the section, and I'm like how is this happening? I'm shopping for maternity clothes?

I also had my 14 week apt with the high risk doc, but that's a post all in itself. Its going to be how horrible the tech was. Tomorrow I have an apt with the OB. I'll just mash it up to really a 15 week update since I'll be 15 weeks Thursday. Still no bump pictures - sorry! And the sono pic's were just awful!! So no new pic's to share this week. Hopefully it will be a better experience next go-around.

I have to run to my personal training session, then home to maybe do laundry if I have the energy. Or it will be shower and sleep.

Until then - -