Statistics

I'm not really sure how to start this one.......  This ended up being a long one.. so go get a coffee or a snack...


If you've read my previous post's, my story has went from excited about getting the green light to officially start treatments from my regular endocrinologist (thyroid issues), and waiting for my cycle to start so that I could order the med's from my RE/Nurse to start treatments for my cycle in Feb. To..... never getting my cycle because I was already pregnant.   I had attributed this pregnancy to being on metformin (2,000 mg) and having the polyp removed in Nov. When I saw those two lines I was completely dumbfounded and in shock. I really wasnt sure how to feel. Statistics show, that patience with PCOS being on metform have a 6% chance of conceiving with just metformin. I was one of the 6%.
I found out I was pregnant on a Friday, and was in a serious car accident the following Monday. My car was totaled. Statistics show, that 77% of the time that a car accident can happen less than 10 miles from your home. Mine was right across the street from my house going to my 2nd job. I was stopped waiting for traffic to make a left hand turn into the parking lot. The car I was waiting on just passed, and the nano-second I took my foot off the breaks - - - BOOM - - - I was slammed, so hard that my car made a slight left turn (b/c my wheel was already turning), jumped the curb and ended in the ditch.

 

 

I ended up going to the hospital, and explaining that I was 4 1/2 weeks pregnant. But because it was so early, there wasn't much the doctors could do, except wait. I waited two weeks until my 6w date to get a sonogram. I'm not sure what the stats are for this, but there was a heartbeat. And that was then when I finally caved in and fell in love with this little being inside me growing. I started to tell everyone I was pregnant. I had waited 11 years to tell people, and just survived a car accident so I had no issues telling the world, plus working at a grocrey store part time meant I couldnt get carts from the parking lot :). The 6w sonogram apointment was such an amazing experience, to see that little flicker on the screen. That day I downloaded three different apps and started to track the growth. We told our in laws, and parents that we were finally pregnant. Started to plan out the months to come, plan out the nursery and other house projects that needed to get done before month 9.

 

Then came our 8w appointment. It was a Friday. Another Friday....          the goal this time was to see growth. I was happy to see the heartbeat after the accident, but now I wanted to see that the baby has grown. After this appointment I was going to call the car insurance back [Geico] (from the guy who hit me) and close out the medical claim and start follow up with a settlement amount. Before the doctor came in I had a feeling of uneasiness and I can remember asking my husband "what happens if we lose this baby." He said to me "we try again." 

You know how it is, your mind is set on getting each appointment done and 'in the clear,' before you can really start to be happy. Really, the only symptoms I was having was that I was really tired all the time, and my boobs really hurt, other than that I felt nothing. I let this get to me on more than one occasion, but always came back to "every pregnancy is different."

 

So the doctor came in, with a smile on his face. I was ready to see my baby raspberry.

 

 

As soon as I looked at the screen I knew there was something wrong. I stopped breathing. I grabbed the little monitor and kept staring at the screen searching and saw there was no flicker. The Doctor or nurse didn't say a word as they took a couple of pictures. The doctor's mouth was moving and the only thing I heard was what I already knew to be true... there was no heartbeat. The baby was gone. I still couldn't breath, but immediately started crying so hard that there was no sounds coming out of me. The doctor and nurse quickly left the room so that we could regain our composure. I was crying so hard while getting dressed. I kept saying "shit" over and over again.. like shit.. I JUST told everyone. We JUST told our parents.. shit!! Now I have to go back and tell everyone that I'm not pregnant anymore SHIT SHIT SHIT!. We were going to "go public"  (tell facebook) on Saturday once we knew where we stood with this appointment. Just a few weeks away from the 12 week mark. I was so close. SHIT!

 

We briefly met with the Doctor in a different room. He assured me that it was not my fault. I didn't eat anything wrong, I didn't do anything wrong. It was just one of those things. And I know this. This is something I had my mind prepared for. Statistics show, that 1 out of 5 pregnancy's end in miscarriage. I was one of those 5.

That Friday was really really tough to get through. I called off from work and was just going through the motions for that day. I was so grateful for my husband being there. My fertility clinic got me an apt with an OB later that Friday who would be doing an DNC on Monday.... another Monday...   

When I finally made it home, I crashed in bed and slept and cried the rest of the day. I had a shift to work at the grocery store Friday night, and I was stupid enough to actually show up. My purpose for working that night was to tell the manager that I couldn't work on Monday b/c I had to have a DNC and that I had the close shift and didn't want to put my manager in a place where they didn't have anyone to cover me. And I guess I was looking for a distraction. Being a cashier, your forced to be pleasant with customers. It was rough to get through those 5 hours. I still cried.. and had to tell some customers "my eyes are just dry..."   "allergies....."  

 

That Saturday I was off from job #2, but my husband and I had errands to run. I had to run out and get prescriptions to take after the DNC. While we were getting lunch my RE called me and told me how sorry she was. I was really impressed that she took the time out of day on the weekend to call me. She reassured me that this happens, but its ok to be sad. It's a loss. But she wanted me to know she was there to fight with me. Ready for what comes next. She'll be there. For lunch I can remember being at panera. I looked over to my right once we sat down and saw a group of bikers and started to listen in on their conversation. They were having a bible study. Then I look over to my left and a family was praying over thier meal. I was imediatly comforted and felt Gods presance all around me like a hug. I felt good. I felt ok.

Sunday I worked the day shift. Another ruff day. I had some tears when someone came through my line with blueberry's or raspberries. Or when someone bought baby food... I just kept looking down and threw everything in a bag.

 

So Monday rolled around, and I had to be at the hospital in the morning, my procedure was supposed to be at 11:20. I just wanted this to be over with. Everyone knew what I was there for, but a couple of the nurses asked me repeatedly.. "do you know what your hear for, what are you here for, we need to make sure you understand what your having done today.."  um.. yes... please stop asking me to repeat this awfulness. And I had to keep explaining that I was not diabetic.. that I was taking metformin b/c I had PCOS and it helped me get pregnant. The one nurse didn't believe me and had me take a blood test anyways.

There ended up being 2 emergency surgeries, so I didn't end up having my procedure done till almost 1:00. I was in the pre-opp room for almost 4 hours... just waiting... and so hungry... 

When they begun to wheel me into the operating room, I just started to cry again. It's really over after this...  She or he, what would have been, will really be gone. And I'm left with nothing.

As soon as I laid on the table, I was out. Woke up in the recovery room in a lot of pain but glad it was over. Made our way home, and again, slept the rest of the day.

 

I could have planned better, but I ended up calling off work on Tuesday too. I just wasn't ready to be back at work yet. To face people. But Tuesday was a good day. I felt ok. And I could feel emotionally I was getting back to being me. Every doctor I came into contact with since that Friday was so encouraging, nice and understanding. They all had their own personal stories to tell me.

I decided that I couldn't let this affect me so much anymore. I began to look at it as more scientific than emotional. It happened. It's over. I don't see the sense in it laying on the couch crying every day, or feeling sorry for myself, wondering what it was (boy vs. girl) or every Friday remembering that this 'would have been week 9, week 10..." There's nothing I could do about it, drowning in the pain will only stress me out and effect my health. I know and have already faced some minor stings from the past couple weeks. And I know that there will be times in the future where I'll have a tear or have some sadness. But I cant let that effect my future.

 

When I returned back to work on Wednesday, there was a card and everyone had singed it. Of course that made me cry. A few people came by my office and hugged me. A lot of people just didn't know what to say. And that's ok.  I didn't want people to keep saying "I'm sorry." Because I didn't want to keep saying "it's ok." Really because its not ok. But again, there isn't anything anyone can do about it. It just "is." 

Thursday ended up being a snow day and work was canceled. I was grateful to have off that day. Then Friday was a delayed opening.

 

Life moves on. People going through my line at the grocery store don't know what happened, so I have to keep saying "I'm pretty good" when they asked me how I'm doing. I have deadlines approaching at my full time job.

 

So now.... we're in the 2nd week of March. I just closed all claims with both car insurance people. My insurance paid me for my days/hours missed b/c of the accident. I just sent everything over to Geico. Now.... I wait. Wait to see what Geico will offer me for a settlement. This will determine how much of a down payment I will have and what kind of car I can afford. I tried to really stress to the adjuster, that this accident may have not been a directly link to the loss, but that is a strong coincident that I had an accident and just 3 weeks later lose a baby. That I was not a normal person who was pregnant. That I was a fertility patient. that a normal person probably wouldn't get a sonogram till 8 weeks. And if I had waited that long, I would have probably directly linked the accident to the loss.

Its

 

As far as what the future holds...   I'm now waiting for my body to figure out that I'm not pregnant anymore and for a period to show up. Then I wait for the second period. The 3rd cycle is when I can safely start to try again. I hope that statistics are on my side again and that Metformin is all it takes. But my mind is ready for the fight again. I'm ready for the fight.

I've also signed up for a 5k and will be focusing on the training, and weightloss. Improving my diet so that it wont be so much of a change when I do get pregnant again.

I'm going to keep reading my pregnancy books, so that I'm not freaked out by not knowing anything about being pregnant. I'm going to be ready this time.

 

In the mean time, a few follow up doctor's appointments. And hopefully a new car. Every day gets better and better. I'm not sad anymore around fruit or baby clothes or even babies. I'm more hopeful and waiting for May to show up so that I can be pregnant again. But this time, not a single word until week 12. And really.. only those who need to know. I'm not sure that I ever be 100% back to normal, but when my baby is finally in my arms.. it will be close.

 

That's kind of it for right now. Just like I didn't know how to start this point, I'm not sure how to finish it.

Until next time!