My 1st Official TWW

Our trying time was over Friday morning. And I started progesterone (ew) on Saturday. So, now we wait. I'll have my blood drawn on the 25th. And today I feel strangely at peace. Almost like, I did everything I was supposed to do so why stress? If it happens... great! if not, then we try again. Every time I go into the doctors and express any sort of concern I always get "your young, your fine, you've got plenty of time." Which is nice to hear. All I ever see is the dreaded '35' age and it all goes down hill. And all I keep thinking about is that for child #2, I'll have to do this all over again.. so I've got 3 years to do so.
Today I'm 3dpo. I'm stacking up my week so that I'm so busy I can't even think about dinner let alone if there is a baby growing inside me. I think this summer was such a huge disappointment that I'm just tired of being disappointed so I'll hold out on taking a test. Plus I'm not sure how long it will take the trigger (hcg) shot to wear off, and I don't want to get a false positive. I've got lots of work outs scheduled, working job#2 and trying to keep up on house work. Plus I've got the monthly deadline again at job#1 to meet by next Monday.

Anyways. I bumped into another blogger a while ago, more like a sponsored blogger and she had weekly challenges. One of the weeks' challenge was to journal. Well I do that already, but there were a set # of questions to answer, so I thought I'd go ahead and journal out those answers and I encourage you do to so too.

When you were young, what was your dream family? Focus on what your dreams were before you met your husband.

• My dreams.....  I really don't remember thinking to much about a future family. I always just figured it would happen.. Grow up, get married and have 2 kids. Easy peasy. Dreams before I had a husband, were more career focused. I wanted to 'be' someone one day. A manager, a controller (I'm in the accounting field), a decision maker. The start of my career was with Marriott hotels, where I was a front desk girl. I would help out with over night auditing every once in awhile, and the controller at the time saw some promise in me, and I quickly moved up into the accounting office. Starting with the Accounts Receivable and helped with Payables sometime. He had plans for a management path for me, but he ended up leaving and the new controller wasn't a fan of women in power. So I ended up being a hell of a AR associate. Did the best I could, knowing one day I could be the AR manager (at least).

What type of guy did you want to marry?

• A friend. It sounds sooo cliche, but I saw this guy from across the room and was immediately intrigued. like, who was this guy? I met DH at work 2 years before we even became a thing. We were fast friends. He was sort of my 1st guy friend and we got a long sooo well. I'm one big ball of sarcasm, and he was too. So we 'got' each other. He was a home grown kind of man. Had manors. Was smart. Tall dark and handsome. I had dated a lot when I was younger and he seemed like he could be it. Thats what I wanted in a man. Except that he already had a long term girlfriend.

When did you want to get married?

• Again, didn't really have a timeline of sorts. But I did want to get married and have at least one child before 30. My 30th birthday was a really hard one to get through because I didn't have the family part yet. 

What type of house did you think you'd live in?

• A finished one. I'll explain.  DH and I bought a house 9 years ago, knowing it was going to a fixer upper. Welp... we're still fixing it up. Its such a long story, but we're SO close to having it finished. Since we bought the house, we have completely re-done everything from floor to ceiling (and roof) and by ourselves. We even literally raise the roof (because the ceiling height was only 7 foot something, not the 8 foot standard it is today). So I'm excited to see what it will end up looking like once we have finished construction and painted/decorated, etc.   I will NEVER do this again.

When did you want to have children? How many did you want?

• Wanted to have at least one kid by 30, and I'd always wanted 2 or three. And for as long as I can remember, I have always wanted twins. Always.  Twins run in my family, every other generation and they do the same in DH side as well. Some of my cousins have had babies, and no twins yet. So I'm hoping and praying its me. 

There are a series of 7 questions. And I plan on spreading them out while on this TWW. A sort of changing the subject a little bit. 

Lastly, today is Monday. My weekend wasn't so grand. Just worked. And slept. I did the dishes! 

This afternoon I have a training session with my personal trainer. My DH is giving me his sessions so now I'm able to do an hour a week for at least 9/10 weeks. I'm seriously considering going low carb. I'm going to eat the rest of my food in my pantry, and maybe slowly go down in carbs week to week. I don't know that I'll go full blown Adkins. But it'll be close. I'm pretty desperate and determined to lose 20 lbs before starting IVF (if need be) next year. 

I hope that you had a wonderful weekend, and are ready for this week! whatever you may be facing, I pray that you have the same peace that I do, at least for today. 

Until next time <3

Treatment Cycle #1 September 2015

Timed Trying

*I will have written each day out and saving, rather than having a bunch of posts' to click through.

Previous to my CD1, I did end up having a conversation with my manager at job#2. Because as soon as I walked in for my Saturday shift, she was asking everyone to sign and agreement that we knowledge the "rules." I asked if I could talk to her before signing it, about the (stupid) cell phone rule. At first she wasn't understanding how important it was to me, and how the timing of everything was going to happen, she asked me to give my nurse the store number. I stated back at her with a blank face. Um, its not my nurses job to hunt me down calling all these phone numbers. I said, no, I wont be doing that. And if its going to be that big of a problem then I'll have to give you my two weeks now. That kind of startled her, and she asked then to get the doctors note. So I'll be writing an email soon to my nurse. She's going to think I'm crazy, 1 - for working two jobs while going through this, and 2 - this is the second time where I have asked her for a doctors note for something so odd.
Other than that, my beach day with the DH was really great. It took a tad bit longer to get there, (the full 3 1/2 hours) b/c we ended up leaving a little bit later. The weather was just perfect, and it was just a chill day. The rest of the weekend I just worked.

So today is Monday 8/31, and my period started right on scheduled, so here we go!

Medications:
2,000 mg Metformin
100 mcg Synthroid
Prenatals
50mg Clomid
Bravelle 75iu
Ovidrel 250 mcg
40mg Protonics for GERD/Acid reflux as needed

CD1-CD2: Heavy right off the bat, as it usually does and I'm in a fog of IB Profin and lack of sleep. I was THIS close to bringing in my heating pad to work. My cramps are just awful the 1st and sometimes 2nd day. I made my appointment for my day 3 sono & blood work.

CD3: Last night I had a bad "episode" as I call them. I have really bad acid reflux (GERD) and swung up out of bed at 11pm with that felt like someone throwing acid on my chest. It's so painful. I think I had just stressed my body out so much that it upset my reflux. But I think the pint of ice cream didn't help either. This morning was my first monitoring appointment. I was kind of worried about this one. Given that I had tried my darnedest over the summer I feared there was something going on, another polyp, etc. But everything looked nice and clear. After receiving the afternoon results call from the nurse, I have 11 follicles. How exciting. I start my clomid tonight. And I'm kinda freaked out by the horror stories.

CD4-CD8:  During my 5 days of clomid, I was mostly fine. Maybe a little cramping and bloating, but mostly (as I'm off it now) I was in a fog. Tired. Lethargic. Just wanting to get through the day. No energy. And maybe a little moody.  CD7 was my last day of clomid and my 1st injection of Bravelle. I was oh so nervous for this. I had a little trouble understanding how to switch the needles and worried about how much air got in there, but I just said 1,2,3 and stuck it in my tummy. It did sting a little tiny bit. But no other side effects. CD8 no drugs, and I felt pretty great. Like the fog lifted and I got the rest that I needed, and I got the flashy smile face - so high fertility. Though we're waiting to 'try' until after my appointment on CD10.

CD9: 2nd injection of Bravelle tonight. Though I pumped to much air in the bottle and when I took the needle out it kind of sprayed. Stuck it in the tummy just fine. 2nd day of high fertility (flashy smile face). I also had my personal training tonight, and while doing some of the weights I felt a little uncomfortable, more on the right side.

CD10: Oh I feel something. My right ovary 'feels'. I had my appointment this morning. The nurse doing my sono said I had a 23mm follicle on the right and two 11/12mm on the left. So that explains it. I was hoping for just a tad bit better results, maybe 2 solid follicles ready. But she said from the looks of it, everything looked good and I responded well to the dosages. My nurse called me this afternoon and confirmed that I am take my trigger shot, and start trying. Then Saturday start progesterone. I've already stocked up on my liners.

I guess that's it! Sounds pretty uneventful. It will either work, or it wont. But I've done a pretty good job of staying in the moment. I hope to continue the slow momentum.

Until next time!

The ABC's of Me: A Cute Lil'post

I saw this on another blogger , and thought I'd try it out as well. Its fun and you should do it too.  I found some journal questions I'll be doing a post on too. 

So here goes:

A- Age: 32

B- Biggest fear: Zombie Apocalypse. Walking dead, and Fear the Walking Dead have completely freaked me out. I just don't know how I would leave my dogs.  

C- Current Time: 2:15: procrastination hour. 

D- Drink you last had: Water

E- Easiest Person to Talk To: Hm... I'm going to say its a tie b/t DH & BF. 

F- Favorite song: None Really.. 

G- Grossest Memory: gosh, I dont think I really have any? 

H- Hometown: Frederick, MD

J- Jealous Of: Millionaires. 

K- Killed Someone: With my eyes? several times. In real life, that would be a no. 

L- Longest Relationship: 11 years with DH. 

M- Middle Name: Starts with an "L"

N- Number of Siblings: 1 (2 in laws)

O- One Wish: For good health. 

P- Person who you last called: My fert. clinic to scheduled my day 3 apt. 

Q- Question you’re always asked: Endo Zone, I'm borrowing your answer: “Is your hair naturally curly?” Well of COURSE it is! Why would I do this to myself on purpose?! (I have majorly, stupidly, wildly curly hair).

R- Reason to live: Another borrowed answer: Jesus.

S- Song you last sang: Don't remember, but lately its been classical. It clears my mind. 

T- Time you woke up: 5:50. Had to be at apt at 7:30. 

U- Underwear Color: White with red flowers. Very girly girl. 

V- Vacation Destination: The Bahama's. We've always wanted to go back - its where we got married <3

W- Worst Habit: Eating pins of ice cream....  in 10 min. 

X- Xrays you’ve had: Chest & face. Both car accident related. 

Y- Your favorite food: I'm going to go with ice cream, or mac n' cheese

Z- Zodiac Sign: Cancer.

A Good Cry

...is what I need right now, but I feel like if I close my door to my office and begin whaling like a toddler who wants a candy bar rumors would start.
Today, I'm mad at the world.
I'm mad that I'm not pregnant yet. I'm mad that I have to go through these fertility treatments. I'm mad that I have to work a second job to survive. I'm mad that some people are just clueless and refuse to understand me and believe me! I'm mad that I have to wear glasses/contacts. I'm mad that I don't live near the beach.
Ok, now I'm just ranting.

This is totally coming from out of no where and I'm trying really hard to keep these tears in. I'm pretty sure they'll come out in my car on the way home.
But I am mad that I'm not pregnant. Why did it happen so 'easily' in January, and why hasn't it happened since? I'm beginning to feel the "whats wrong me with" feeling. WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!
I'm mad at the injustices of the world. Why does she get to have a baby, and not me.
*side note, a FEW pregnant ladies have come through my line cursing, yelling..causing a scene and they're buying coke, pepsi, cigarettes..  really???.... REALLY???  And they're paying for on their food stamps card. Meanwhile, I'm struggling big time. I'm working two jobs..  and then this comes through my line. I'm telling you what - the devil is trying to grip me hard. And I'm desperately trying to release his grip.

I'm mad at my boss at my 2nd job. There is a passive aggressive note that is taped to the front counter stating "no cell phones allowed at cashiers" and I explained to her that I'm going to need my phone on me when I start treatments. That when my nurse calls me (at whatever hour, b/c we all know that there are no "business hours" for this kind of stuff) and tells me at what particular time I need to take my trigger shot - I WILL be picking up my phone. But she doesn't believe me. She doesn't believe me that there are times, procedures, processes that are time sensitive. So, I'm just about to get a freaking doctors note to be able to have my cell phone on me. But SERIOUSLY!!!!
And that other women (other lead cashier at job#2), tells me that "they just put her neighbors baby in the ground." That the baby died in the womb just a day before he was due. WHY.... would you be telling me this? Why do you feel the need to say these kinds of things around me. Reminding me of my own loss, and even just the fact that I'm struggling with infertility. I don't know this women from adam, yet you seem to want to tell her business to any old stranger who wants to listen to that sort of thing. It's almost like she's turning it into something where she gets attention from. Lord help me.

I know that these seem like small things in the big scheme of things. And I'll get over it. I always do. It's just my 5 min of being sad/angry/depressed/all of the above. We all have these moments at some point or another. Just another brick being laid down on that hard path we are following.

I'm sure this only took you 5 seconds to read. But it feels like it took longer to write.
Alas - today is my Friday and I'm staring at a stack of bank statements to reconcile. I must get to it!

Until next time :)

Dunkin Donuts Kinda Day...

Welp, I did it again. I broke down and took a test after I got home from job #2 late last night. Yesterday I was 7dpo/CD19. BFN. Although I kind of knew it would be, and I'm upset (hence dunkin donuts post title), but not on the rictor scale kinda bad. Could it have been to early, false negative? Possibly. But at least its put an ease to my mind and I just kind of get back to work, get back to my goals and since I've already started to focus on treatment cycle #1, that's where my head is at. But it makes me wonder, is there something going on in that uterus of mine? I guess we'll find out on my day 3 lab & uterus check at some point next week, probably Tuesday or Wednesday if my period shows up on Sunday like its supposed to.

Going through this last cycle made me think deep thoughts. Am I forgetting what it was like to be pregnant? Am I forgetting what it felt like when I first assumed I was? The feeling my body gave me? It's like its all fading away. And I think that's whats making me sad. That I'm forgetting.      Oh gosh.. I'm starting to cry now. I don't want to forget. And reading some of your post's about this cycle being your last try, really made me sad to think about that. How you can just go through SO SO SO much, and end up with nothing. That's pretty devastating.

I have been trying really hard not to read into little signs that my body is giving me. Like I have been SO moody these last couple days. That's kind of unusual for me, even when I am pms'ing. But it could also mean I'm just so freaking tired of working 65-70 hours a week. It doesn't mean I'm pregnant. The cramps I feel, are probably just because my trainer worked me out pretty good. And I am having vivid dreams again, this time of zombies thanks to Fear the Walking Dead... ugh. All I remember is being in a bedroom with blue walls, I'm packing a small suit case (just in case I have to carry it through the woods) and I am telling the people around me that we have to go! We have to leave now! My heart was racing, as I woke myself up.

So, today I hope to get a lot of small things done at work and I work job#2 tonight. I have a workout planned with some friends at the track, I call it "track day" tomorrow. I love different kinds of work out's that make it fun and I always surprise myself on how well I do.

Then on Friday I have a day at the beach planed with the DH. I can not wait, to just have my feet in the sand, breathing that salty air and falling asleep under the sun....and not have to work EITHER job! I wish it was for the week, but the day will have to do.

I imagine the next time I write, will be the start of my treatments. Praying for a clear mind, and focused heart.

Until next time.