Dunkin Donuts Kinda Day...

Welp, I did it again. I broke down and took a test after I got home from job #2 late last night. Yesterday I was 7dpo/CD19. BFN. Although I kind of knew it would be, and I'm upset (hence dunkin donuts post title), but not on the rictor scale kinda bad. Could it have been to early, false negative? Possibly. But at least its put an ease to my mind and I just kind of get back to work, get back to my goals and since I've already started to focus on treatment cycle #1, that's where my head is at. But it makes me wonder, is there something going on in that uterus of mine? I guess we'll find out on my day 3 lab & uterus check at some point next week, probably Tuesday or Wednesday if my period shows up on Sunday like its supposed to.

Going through this last cycle made me think deep thoughts. Am I forgetting what it was like to be pregnant? Am I forgetting what it felt like when I first assumed I was? The feeling my body gave me? It's like its all fading away. And I think that's whats making me sad. That I'm forgetting.      Oh gosh.. I'm starting to cry now. I don't want to forget. And reading some of your post's about this cycle being your last try, really made me sad to think about that. How you can just go through SO SO SO much, and end up with nothing. That's pretty devastating.

I have been trying really hard not to read into little signs that my body is giving me. Like I have been SO moody these last couple days. That's kind of unusual for me, even when I am pms'ing. But it could also mean I'm just so freaking tired of working 65-70 hours a week. It doesn't mean I'm pregnant. The cramps I feel, are probably just because my trainer worked me out pretty good. And I am having vivid dreams again, this time of zombies thanks to Fear the Walking Dead... ugh. All I remember is being in a bedroom with blue walls, I'm packing a small suit case (just in case I have to carry it through the woods) and I am telling the people around me that we have to go! We have to leave now! My heart was racing, as I woke myself up.

So, today I hope to get a lot of small things done at work and I work job#2 tonight. I have a workout planned with some friends at the track, I call it "track day" tomorrow. I love different kinds of work out's that make it fun and I always surprise myself on how well I do.

Then on Friday I have a day at the beach planed with the DH. I can not wait, to just have my feet in the sand, breathing that salty air and falling asleep under the sun....and not have to work EITHER job! I wish it was for the week, but the day will have to do.

I imagine the next time I write, will be the start of my treatments. Praying for a clear mind, and focused heart.

Until next time.