A Good Cry

...is what I need right now, but I feel like if I close my door to my office and begin whaling like a toddler who wants a candy bar rumors would start.
Today, I'm mad at the world.
I'm mad that I'm not pregnant yet. I'm mad that I have to go through these fertility treatments. I'm mad that I have to work a second job to survive. I'm mad that some people are just clueless and refuse to understand me and believe me! I'm mad that I have to wear glasses/contacts. I'm mad that I don't live near the beach.
Ok, now I'm just ranting.

This is totally coming from out of no where and I'm trying really hard to keep these tears in. I'm pretty sure they'll come out in my car on the way home.
But I am mad that I'm not pregnant. Why did it happen so 'easily' in January, and why hasn't it happened since? I'm beginning to feel the "whats wrong me with" feeling. WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!
I'm mad at the injustices of the world. Why does she get to have a baby, and not me.
*side note, a FEW pregnant ladies have come through my line cursing, yelling..causing a scene and they're buying coke, pepsi, cigarettes..  really???.... REALLY???  And they're paying for on their food stamps card. Meanwhile, I'm struggling big time. I'm working two jobs..  and then this comes through my line. I'm telling you what - the devil is trying to grip me hard. And I'm desperately trying to release his grip.

I'm mad at my boss at my 2nd job. There is a passive aggressive note that is taped to the front counter stating "no cell phones allowed at cashiers" and I explained to her that I'm going to need my phone on me when I start treatments. That when my nurse calls me (at whatever hour, b/c we all know that there are no "business hours" for this kind of stuff) and tells me at what particular time I need to take my trigger shot - I WILL be picking up my phone. But she doesn't believe me. She doesn't believe me that there are times, procedures, processes that are time sensitive. So, I'm just about to get a freaking doctors note to be able to have my cell phone on me. But SERIOUSLY!!!!
And that other women (other lead cashier at job#2), tells me that "they just put her neighbors baby in the ground." That the baby died in the womb just a day before he was due. WHY.... would you be telling me this? Why do you feel the need to say these kinds of things around me. Reminding me of my own loss, and even just the fact that I'm struggling with infertility. I don't know this women from adam, yet you seem to want to tell her business to any old stranger who wants to listen to that sort of thing. It's almost like she's turning it into something where she gets attention from. Lord help me.

I know that these seem like small things in the big scheme of things. And I'll get over it. I always do. It's just my 5 min of being sad/angry/depressed/all of the above. We all have these moments at some point or another. Just another brick being laid down on that hard path we are following.

I'm sure this only took you 5 seconds to read. But it feels like it took longer to write.
Alas - today is my Friday and I'm staring at a stack of bank statements to reconcile. I must get to it!

Until next time :)