I'm SO Bad at Keeping Secrets

Yea those unofficial results?  I guess nothing is official until its official right?

Today I went in for my blood draw/beta.  Normal. The girl asked me if I cheated and I said, well yes I did and its a no. So she's like well ok, but lets just see.  In my mind I'm like, yea ok.

I didn't even think twice, I was more focused on whether I should try for an IUI next or not. Whats my thyroid thinking, is the demon going to play games with me.
So I went on about my day, reading all of your blogs. Some of you just gave birth, and are probably giving birth right now - hence your absence from posting *wink wink*

So the nurse calls me, not my usual nurse, a nurse from another office. Weird I thought, but ok.

Nurse: Hello, is this *******?
Me: Yes this is she.
Nurse: Well I have some good news for you.  
Me: huh?
Nurse: You have a beta of 214!, Your pregnant!    
Me: No I'm not!
Nurse: Yes you are!    
Me: No I'm not!
Nurse: Yes you are! Now stop it, you have to come in Monday and again Wednesday, and you know that the important thing is that they double.
Me: Yes. Ok.   >scheduled time for Monday morning<
Nurse: (by this time I'm hysterically crying in my office with the door shut) Are you ok? Everything is fine, at this moment in time you are pregnant so be excited.
Me: Sniffles, yes! Thank you!
Nurse: Have a good weekend.
Me: Sniffles, yes thanks you too.

As soon as she said the word "good" I completely lost it. Luckily I shut my office door just in time.
I reacted the same exact way I did last time. I just hypercried, and kept saying "oh my God" over and over again, and shaking.

Officially I'm pregnant. That could change, and I know this now. But I'm excited. Sunday night? I'll be a nervous wreck. This was a huge hurdle to get over, and there will be many..many more.

And now I'm also remembering that my regular endocrine doctor said I was high risk for another mc based on my thyroid levels.
My heart rate is still racing, and I need to calm down. And my boobs are starting to hurt, like all of a sudden.
>deep breath<
I put a phone call in to my endocrine doctor to see what she wants me to do, another blood draw probably to check my TH levels. So I'm waiting to hear back from her.

This week I've sat back and reflected about these treatments. It was going to be my intention to write a sliver linings post, trying to focus on the positive rather on the negative.
I will anyways. And if I need to Monday or Wednesday or 2 weeks from now I can look back at this list and be grateful.

1) Going through all of this, preg #1, car accident, waiting, treatments and now preg #2 it has brought me closer to God. I still struggle with wanting to let go, and complain about "why not me, its my time!!"  Today was a huge wake up call. That I should have trusted him more. I need to trust him more.

2) I have PCOS, but I've had regular cycles for at least 5+ years now. Not many women too. And I ovulate consistently.

3) I've gotten pregnant now twice without serious medical assistance.

4)  My DH swimmers are great.

5) I'm still "young"   (they keep saying that!!)

6) I'm responding to the medicines that I am on, while on treatments.

7) I have insurance coverage, that covers a lot.

8) I have a great support system. My friends are DA-BOMB and my DH is pretty awesome too.

9) I have a great clinic and and awesome team (nurse & Doctor)

I'm sure there's more, but I'm beginning to lose focus again. And I need to get something done during this work day.
Ok, so say a little prayer for me and my...... BABY for Monday morning. Praying that these levels DOUBLE!!

Until Then - -

By the way, I'm scared shitless.