Unofficial Results Are In...

Oh boy. Had I written this yesterday I'm not sure how I would have gotten through with out sounding like a sobbing idiot with tears on her keyboard - at work.

I had such a high hope with this cycle. The doctors and nurses made such a big deal about this one, I've never heard the words "to many eggs" ever said to me. We did everything as directed. I had made a deal with myself, that if I started to feel symptoms that I would give myself permission to take a hpt. So I thought I was starting to feel things over the weekend, breast tenderness was the main one. I took a hpt test on Monday morning, and it was negative. I looked at it, and thought "well, shit, ok" and just stared it at for a min longer, maybe searching for that faint line. I was on the fence about it, leaning more towards it being negative just b/c I didn't feel anything else, and that it could've been a side effect of the progesterone. Could have been to early, but I get my beta done on Friday. I don't think I'm magically going to get pregnant in 4 days.

Then the rest of the morning I was again surprisingly inconsolable. I know what treatments mean, I know there will be more rounds of this than I can count on one hand (probably), that there will be more than one BFN's.  I just couldn't stop crying, it was out of my control. Snot running down my nose, eyes were red and puffy. I hid behind my hair and hoped no one saw me. When the snot got to much to handle and I ran out of tissues at my desk I got up and went to the bathroom and washed my face with cold water and held a cold tissue to my eyes. I kept looking at myself in the mirror telling myself "It's going to be ok, its going to be ok" I almost couldn't even look myself in the eyes, but I did. And the crying stopped. I took a couple of deep breaths and walked back to my office.
I'd be ok until someone asked me how I was doing. I ran into a women in the copier room and she just looked at me, I froze and literally ran away from her. I think she could tell there was something wrong.
I was listening to christian music on pandora and sometimes I get so into the songs that I cry because at that moment I feel like I am surrounded by Gods love - that I just cry. Maybe I should have turned the channel to a comedy channel. And maybe I shouldn't have taken a test before a work day. Lesson learned.

Headphones on, listening to "folk" ish music - In reflection today, I'm asking the question "why?" I had 4 opportunities right there. DH sperm is fine, more than fine actually. So whats not happening to make this not happen?
For this reason I will not be doing a 3rd timed trying. Its just to much to get through. Between trying to fit "it" in, in b/t jobs sometimes, having the pressure on my husband to complete the mission. I feel less in control with these rounds.

I'm still waiting to hear back from the doctor on what I should/can do about the next cycle (in regards the thyroid drama), which would be an IUI. I feel like, unsettled or something. Almost like I need her as my RE (and not E) and as the 2nd opinion to tell me what to do. If it were up to me, I would do one IUI and take December off. I'll end up calling my nurse on Thursday morning to see if they can add a TH test to the blood drawing and let me know my results same day. Otherwise, I'd be waiting until next week, +3 days waiting for results only to be told then, yes you can proceed, or no you cant there's actually something seriously wrong with your thyroid and not just the demon inside of it.

SO. That's where I'm at today. I feel bloated b/c I ate a pint of ice cream and I haven't worked out in a few and made the mistake of drying my pants instead of air dry. AND moron new guy made the schedule for job#2 and scheduled me 31 hours this week (on top of the 40+ that I already work for job#1). Aparrrrrentlly he didn't know that I had a FT job? So after working 8 hours Sunday, I work the next three days in a row, 16 hour days. Friday might be a day where I need to run down to the special pharmacy to pic up meds, then work again on Saturday. It's not going to be fun at all.

I'm THIS close to signing up for a 5k or 5 mile race to take the focus off of fertility, plus I hope it will help with the weight. I also have to stop drinking yummy mocha's from Panera and eating pints of ice cream.

I shouldn't but I'm probably getting taco bell for dinner. But that's it! I promise.

You'll most likely here from me on Friday.
Until then - -