Thyroid Drama

On top of having PCOS (which is awe-some btw) I also have thyroid issues. And apparently there is a demon in my thyroid. And it's mad at me for whatever reason.

I'm not entirely sure why, but my levels rarely stay "normal." It's either to high, to low, or just barely there (should I nick name my thyroid Goldilocks?). I get blood drawn and in to see the doc every 4-6 months because of that. About this time last year, maybe end of Nov actually my thyroid was to high, to the fact that I had to wait 9 weeks before starting treatments because of a dosage change. I ended up getting pregnant in the middle of those 9 week and my levels were still high, so my dosage was adjusted again based on the pregnancy factor. Then a few weeks later they were going back down to normal, dosage adjustment again, but then I had miscarried and a few weeks later my levels were perfect. Ok, good. sort of.

My levels were perfect in April, so I didn't need to see the doctor again for 6 months (i.e on Tuesday). Having perfect levels, and no huge changes in my daily routines I had no reason to think otherwise when I started treatments in Sept, then again this last week+. So I never really thought to get my blood tested before hand.

I probably should have, and will do from this point forward. No reason to get excited for treatment if its halted and I fall down hard from it.

Quick lesson for non demon thyroid issue people. A good level for the TH is .05-1.5, sooooometimes 2 is "ok"...   well mine was 3.45. So super duper low, almost as if the thyroid isn't even functioning with medicine. As soon as the doc showed me her computer screen I lost it, hysterical cry. Whats wrong with me? Why does my thyroid hate me so much? Why does this little tiny thing in my neck have so much power on my body?  I wasn't in the right mind to ask why such a huge jump could have happened, maybe there is an underlying problem?  I'll ask that question soon, but there is a plan.

The plan is, get my blood drawn again in two weeks (27th) to see if my levels are headed in the right direction. If they are, then regular endocrine doc says I can move forward. BUT, the timing couldn't be worse, if this cycle I'm in now doesn't work, my cd1 for next cycle would be the 26th or 27th.
Then get my blood drawn again 4 weeks later for a total of 6 weeks for the new dosage to take affect.

Because of this, my endocrinologist wants me to wait a cycle . And I had already decided to not cycle for December. To much going on, and I want to avoid the whole "Merry Christmas, your not pregnant....again...." Which means, no more treatments till next year. Because of the very abnormally low thyroid level, I'm also at high risk for another miscarriage if I am pregnant this cycle (I wont find out till the 23rd, or before if I break down and take a hpt). Double suck. I was pretty devastated.

It took some time to sort of get over this and this morning I emailed my doctor for a second opinion of sorts. I'm kind of thinking, I just did two cycles with a demon thyroid, so whats one more? By the time I get my blood drawn again, my levels should be moving in the right direction, so by the time if/when I get pregnant from the 3rd cycle I should be ok.
But if she says, wait, I will wait.

Meanwhile I'm in the midst of my TWW, and I keep looking at my app tracker obsessing over what dpo day it is (btw I'm 5dpo/cd18).  I've taken progesterone enough I think to see the side effects is has on me, and really its only been cramping. And I also feel like I can tell the difference b/t a pregnancy cramp and a medicine/period cramp because it feels odd, stretchy sort of feeling. So I'm starting to pay attention to what my body is saying.. and so far nothing.
Why do we do this to ourselves?

Needless to say, my week hasn't been fantastic. AND its pregnancy & infant loss remembrance day, ANNNND my due date was last week (the 9th). So I'm one big ball of emotions right now ready to explode. I'm going to try and fit in a run tonight. Working out has been a huge help that has been keeping me afloat.

**Edited Update:
I put on my fb status that I am 1 in 4, so my SIL asked, what is that? I explained that 1 in 4 pregnancy/infants end in miscarriage/death, so I am 1 in 4. She ask's in return, Are you pregnant? huh?    ...... that would be a "no."   >insert blank stare here<

There are those of you who are going through some really hard times right now, and I hope that you know that you have a perfect stranger who is praying and thinking about you. It can be so hard to figure out your plan, and its a constant struggle - at least for me it. I'm a control/planner freak. So when things don't go my way  - I get really upset. But I am reminded of how awesome our God is. And how awesome His timing is. He hear's us all, and is desperately holding out his arms for us, just have to remember to get up, wipe away the tears, and open up our arms to receive him.

Do it with me..
>Deep breath<

"Things will happen the way their supposed to, according to His timing."
One step at a time, that's all you have to focus on. Get through that next appointment.

With <3
Until next time - -