#MicroblogMonday: "The Chair, Part II"

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too. -here-

So, a quick little update on last week's entry. Had a chit chat with the husband, and tried to explain a little bit more of where I was coming from and why. He ended up understanding just a tad bit more, but still was questioning why I didn't want a "free" chair.  Our upbringings were different. He's had to work for things in life, yes. But not like me. I know what its like to have 5.00 left in my bank account and only eat mac n'cheese and roman noddles for a month. I've worked 2 jobs on several occasions. I've worked really hard for what and where I am in life. And he just hasn't had to ever do that. I get it.  He had talked to his mom on Monday, and said that I liked both chairs, just that I liked the one at Babies R'us a little more. And that we're going to look around some more just in case. Her response was "oh that's fine! you don't have to pick the one we picked out."  .......  but notice what she didn't say. She didn't say "ok we'll pay for the one she wants."
So this turns me onto my mother. Maybe she'll buy me the chair. So I invite her up for the morning, breakfast and all, and we went to look at the chair. Maybe I can get her to love it and buy it for me.
As soon as she steps in my house and see's what I'm wearing... "you don't want to change? Why don't you put on a nicer top."  Hi, my name is Kimberly and I'm 6 months pregnant with twins. Nice to meet you. I'm wearing maternity yoga pants and a t-shirt with flip flops. But thanks for trying.

I ended up missing a turn and instead of breakfast 1st, we ended up getting to the store first. We get to "the chair" and she only sit's in it for 1.2 seconds and give this look. And ask's me how am I supposed to get up from the chair with two babies.  With my legs mom, just like you get up from any other chair?  She immediately did NOT like the chair. So I of course, I start to cry. She goes on to explain how she can't afford 400.00 (after explaining the chair was on sale for 330.00). So I said, forget it! I'll buy the chair myself. Never mind you and this whole morning. I'm so over this drama with the freaking chair.
I might have not been that nice about it at the time. I did explain in some detail as to what the drama was with the in-laws, just not in detail.
She then wants to see everything I picked out on my registry. I said no... that's why I made a registry. So that you can look at the items at your leisure. I just want to go home at this point. But I pick out some of the larger things that I can remember. We get to the diapers and she ask's me if I would like a diaper service.  A what? A diaper service, where they come once a week and pick up your dirty diapers.    No mom, I seriously doubt they have something like that in the country. (She lives near DC, so I'm almost positive there is such a service there).  So I asked her, you'd pay for a diaper service, but you wont pay for a chair?
Let me insert the conversation we had on the way to the store now. She ask's me if there was anything she can start buying. like onsies, etc.   I said to her, "you mean to tell me that I'm almost due to give birth, and you haven't bought.... anything??  Not one thing?   "well no..."
{meanwhile my in-laws have already dedicated ROOMS (plural) to my kids. Even my father (if you've read previous post's) has been more responsive that my own mother}
Let's also insert the fact that she's going to FL to visit my brother next week. This will be her 3rd trip down there since he's moved last summer.
So...  you can afford to go to FL 3x, yet you can't afford to buy me a chair. And you haven't bought anything for your impending grandchildren.
wow.

Breakfast.
It was just terrible. She says to me "now I have a story to tell your aunt about how I made you cry.. just like she made her daughter cry.."    huh??
Oh yea, and remind me to get candy for your cousin.   (candy for my cousin in IRELAND, yet buying nothing for me...)
Baby boy moved just a bit and she see's my hand is on my belly. She proceeds to reach across the table  (over food and drinks) to try and touch my belly.  In the middle of the restaurant.
Mom, no, you can't do that. Now is not the time.  And she looked as if she wanted to cry.
He wasn't moving consistently, maybe just readjusting and going back to sleep. And you have to kind of press on the belly still, not just slightly touching reaching over a table!!!
She mentions the fact that she wants to go back to the mall to go shopping for some outfits for her trip to FL. I begrudgingly drive back to the mall. She's floating around looking at stuff, my feet are starting to swell and I'm getting really uncomfortable. I tell her this, and she says "oh there's a chair in the dressing rooms..."   >deep breath<
I forgot to mention, she opened zero doors for me or doots on me in anyway.

On the way home, I ask if I can give her some baby shower invitations so she can mail out to her side of the family.
"oh no... I really shouldn't do that. your aunt said I shouldn't be involved with anything baby shower related, do mom's even come to those things."
Mom, you can't mail out a few invites for me, to help me? I have to turn this thing around in less than a month, you can't help me?"
"No, I really shouldn't, but I can get you labels! yes let me get you labels!"  
No mom, I don't want your labels, can you at least give me the addresses then?  As she proceeds to shout out the addresses (we're in my drive way now, me at the door and her getting into her car). No mom! just EMAIL ME THE ADDRESSES.

Door closes, and I completely lose it. I'm so angry. What is wrong with my mother?  I ended up getting a major migraine the rest of the day and into the wee hours of the night.

I've decided I'm kind of over her right now. I can't have this sort of stress right now. My husband and I decided just to get the chair, I'll pay half and he'll pay half (cause we don't want to reach into our savings just yet).
Done.

#MicroblogMondays: "The Chair"

 Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

*******

Mother In Law, says "Pick out any chair you want (for the nursery) and we'll pay for it, and a changing table too."   Ok Great! So we went to a few stores and ended up at Baby's R'Us, and sat in all the chairs, and found one we really liked. One that I really liked, because it will be me feeding these babies (I'm having twins) every 3 hours, and me holding them, rocking them to sleep. I want and need to be comfortable. Plus, after going through infertility and treatments, after 11 years finally getting our babies, you know what? I deserve to get what I want. I deserve to have the nursery how I want.

White chair being 'my chair.'  Glider being 'her' chair.

So, she went to the store. Sat in the char. And didn't like it. Responds back in text to my husband, "we didn't like the chair, plus its a little expensive." And left it at that.
So... does that mean your not going to buy the chair anymore? Not even go halfsies? Thats it? Because you don't like the chair?
The next day, the in-laws took it upon themselves to go to a furniture store and picked out a glider. Sent my husband a picture. So we went down and looked at it. Its an "ok" chair, but its not the one I picked out. It doesn't have enough room to move around or the arm support with enough cushion. There was a rhyme to my reason as to why I picked out the chair I did. So I said I didn't like it.
My husband starts to yell/whisper at me with big angry eyes, right there in the furniture store, "well you're going to have to say yes to the chair, or they might retaliate and say no to watching the kids (day care), why don't you want a free chair?"  So I start to cry. 1) I'm super pregnant 2) Even HE JUST said if I didn't like the chair he would buy the one I wanted. 3) I want the chair that I wanted for free, not the chair that SHE wants. So now they're BOTH going back on their word. So already I hate the chair. I hate having to submit to someone else's needs and wants or agree to something but with strings attached. I've always been really super super independent. Always worked for what I wanted, and never really took any handouts. This is why I worked a 2nd job for the last year b/c I didn't want to have to beg my husband for money, or have him buy things that I wanted or needed (aka a new car that I ended up having to buy, treatments that I paid for, doctors appointments that I STILL pay for, etc) So agreeing to this chair is going against everything that I stand for.

I'm going to be forced to say I like the chair, and having them buy it.  By the way, the chair was 389.99 and the chair I wanted was 399.99.  I'm not sure I understand why 10.00 is such a big difference.   But it's because its the chair SHE wanted.
This is what we agreed on. We'll put the stupid freaking chair in the living room. And somehow I'll scrounge enough money to get the chair I that freaking wanted and put that in the nursery. He'll have to explain why we put 'her' chair in the living room. I could care freaking less at this point.
I don't even care if she says yes to watching the kids anymore. Because you know what? It will be the same type of drama. She'll raise the kids how she wants to, and not abide by the routine I have set up for the kids. "She's raised three kids, she knows how to do it... blah blah blah."   This is exactly how it will end up being. The only caviot is that having her watch them will save us 1,3000.00 a month.

Hoping you had a better Sunday than I did.

23 Week Update

Annnnd, my 1st bump picture.
If it looks like I'm tired it's because I am! 

Where has the time gone? How is that I'm already half way through the 2nd trimester, 23 weeks, more than half way through this pregnancy??
I still feel like I have a long way to go, 4 more months God willing.

I'm still on a good momentum of keeping my cool, and only focusing on one thing at a time.
I finally finished my registries, and I'm pretty happy with both list's. Next is starting to organize things in the house, so that we can start on the nursery.

My last day at my 2nd job was a long one, but I'm glad it's over. And some of the employees donated and I ended up getting a 200.00 gift card! And I thought these people hated me after how they've been treating me all this time. And to top it off, there was girl scouts outside of the store and I finally got my thin mints!

This weekend will be the first weekend that I won't have had to work a shift in over a year. I'm almost giddy with the energy that's come flooding towards me. I'm in full nesting/ organizational mood. After an "exploratory" trip to IKEA I now have a lot of ideas for the nursery. I'll be sure to take before/after pictures. I think I've finally gotten to the fun part of being pregnant.

Babies -
Because I've been in to see the High Risk doctor every other week since week 12, they've been getting the anatomy all along. So I didn't have that "20 week scan." Today I had my 23 week apt and so far they are measuring 1.4 and 1.5 pound each, heart rates are great at 154 and 156. Everything is perfect. "Don't change a thing." ~ The doctor  :)

Currently they are on top of one another. Baby girl is laying head to the right with feet to the left, and baby boy is right on top of her.

I'm feeling pretty good these days. The occasional headache, that sometimes turns into a migraine. And the occasional heart burn that sometimes turns into a bad acid reflux attack. Not fun.
 

I am feeling the babies move allll of the time now. Sometimes enough to make mamma sore!
This past week and more so every day, I'm able to feel them through the belly. At first it was weird, like something is moving in there! But now I'm obsessed with following their movements so I can feel them on the outside. Its pretty incredible.

My how I've grown! I don't have a full length mirror in our house, so its sometimes a surprise to see how big I've gotten (and will get!).

My little monster - he's looking right at the "camera."
You can see the ear on the side of the head, the eye sockets,
and nasal bone that's highlighted in the white.

Baby Girl, looking as precious as ever

They both say Twin A, but its b/c the tech forgot the change the text (and we just had to stay longer so she could re-do the imaging for the doctor). 

I go back to the high risk in two weeks. They'll be doing a test called Fetal Fibronectin testing. Basically it's a test to see if the fibronectin (the "glue" holding the babies in there) is starting to deteriorate, meaning I would be at a high risk for pre-term labor. This time around I ask for prayers that I pass this test with flying colors! I want them here, but not that bad!

Oh! I have my 1st twin mommy's meeting tonight! Really the group is for 'moms with multiples' but I'm excited to meet other twin moms out there and such up all their knowledge on how the heck I'm supposed to do all of this!
Then tomorrow I meet with one of my good friends to talk baby shower stuff. I'm not really close with my mom's side of the family, and my dads side lives pretty far away. So it looks like it will be my friend (or two) and myself planning it. No big deal. I'm not very traditional in anything I do, so whats one more thing?

That's about it! I'm looking forward to going to sleep when I get home.

Until Then -  -

My First 1st

And it was incredible, amazing, unbelievable.

The sun has risen, and the sea's are calm. 

I was feeling a little anxious most of the day yesterday. I felt baby girl all day internally, but hadn't felt baby boy yet. I kept poking him to wake him up. I just needed to know he was there. Towards the end of the night, I finally did feel him kick. When we went to bed, lately I've just been putting my hands on my belly waiting to feel them and praying. As I was praying for God to take away my anxiousness and fear baby boy got a little more active, and I trying to keep up with the movements trying to find where he was at. I pressed a little next to my belly button, and I felt him. Finally! He totally fist bumped me. I felt it internally and I felt the bump on my tummy. I let out an "oh my God" and my husband was like... what? whats wrong?  I said nothing! and I started to hysterically cry. I felt him!  I didn't know what to expect, but this was definitely an instant answered prayer.

The almighty HE heard me and my prayers. All along. Maybe this was the turning point.

Since my last post, things have gotten better. Almost immediately I felt just a tad better, just getting it out, written down helped.
2013 was a very difficult year for me. Something life altering happened every single month of that year. So the way I learned to deal with such happenings, is just to deal with things one at a time.
So this month - Feb; I'm polishing off my registries. Which my husband did not end up working late that night, and we completed most of our registry (another answered prayer). I still feel like there's a lot to add. Even if I don't get everything, at least everything I think I'll need -the list will be in one place. So I have a week left. March - I'll start to plan a baby shower. I know...I know, I'm not supposed to plan my own. I'll have some helpers, but just like how my wedding (or lack there of) went I ended up planing everything myself.  We'll also have a sit down conversation with my in-laws about watching the babies. Because if they say no, I'll need to get moving on finding a day care. March will also be the start of organizing house, and hopefully starting on the nursery.
That's as far as I got. Like I said... still just concentrating on the week I have left of Feb and what I need to accomplish by then.

My Placenta Previa is gone! Baby girl moved on up! Yet another answered prayer. AND my thyroid is starting to get its shit together. I'm officially complication free! My high risk doctor thinks that after this next visit on March 2nd, that we can push out the appointments a month apart. That's a catch 22. I loved getting to see these babies every other week, but now that I'm feeling them more and more and that the high risk doc think things are going wonderfully - then I guess its ok :)
Am I still checking for things when I use the potty? Yes, and unfortunately I just don't think that will change.

My loss anniversary is this Saturday. I'm not sure how I'll feel that day. I will definitely be reflecting, and have a heavy heart. I was supposed to have given birth on Oct 8th last year. That just happened to be the day I triggered, knowing I had 4 shiny eggs ready to go. It was hard to feel sad, when I was so excited about the possibility that I could get pregnant this round.

My mother did end up buying us all new appliances, so now my husband is working feverishly on the kitchen to fit everything in. Hopefully this was the fire set under is butt to get moving on the rest of the house. We had to do some moving around of cabinets, and rebuilding cabinets, etc to fit these guys in. I'll take a pic when all is said and done. But I LOVE the new fridge, the water isn't hooked up yet (b/c hubby had to run a water line), but that's my favorite part of the kitchen now. To have fresh water at my finger tips with ice! I'm afraid to use the oven. Its so high tech.
Every Friday, we sit down and we talk about what we can accomplish this weekend, or by next Friday - where do we want to be with the projects. So that's helped too. We both are on the same page now. My goal, is to have gone through our master closet, clothes/stuff/etc and make room for the dresser we will be moving into the closet - then move the desk/office into the nook where the dresser was.

I did end up putting my two weeks in at my 2nd job, and it was just fine. Though, I should have done it sooner. I can't seem to make it past 4 hours on my feet anymore. Each shift I work, it gets worse and worse. Not that I'm asking for sympathy - but all I get is nasty looks, eye rolls or being called a cry baby. Or I get "when I was pregnant, I could do this that and the other. Or -Oh yea I know how you feel.... " You guys, I'm so over that. NONE OF YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL, NONE OF YOU HAVE HAD TWO BABIES IN YOUR BELLY.  (this was me yelling at everyone in my head). On Sunday my hips and back hurt so bad I could hardly stand up. But they only let me go 45 min early. When I got home, I went straight to bed and didn't move for 4 hours. I only have two more shifts, Thursday night, and Saturday morning. Then.I'm.Done.!!!

The last thing I was worried about, was when I will be gone. My boss and I finally ended up meeting to get a feel of what will need to happen. And I feel much better about it. I still feel like I need to work extra hard to get things completed - i.e procedures, list's etc. Get a training schedule made up. But that's just because I'm very detailed and anal.

Sometimes I don't know why I have to go through these emotions, but better things come of it every time. Just another lesson, another reminder. God has his own timing. And he is Awesome & Almighty. He will not give me more than I can handle. I need to keep this in mind the next time I feel myself approaching the edge again.

So on to take on the week ahead! Hoping all of you had a wonderful weekend!

Until next time - -

Emotional Waves

Overwhelmed, stressed, tired, worried, anxious, fear, angry, these are a few of my favorite things. NOT!

These emotions are knocking me down to my knees. Much like a wave from the ocean if you just stand there. You try so hard to fight that wave, but it still knocks you down and sometimes tries to drown you. I'm -right-there-. Again, staring at the edge of a cliff.

When I get overwhelmed, like I'm in the bottom of a dried up well looking up at the bright circle above being the sky, I withdraw from life. I cower into the darkness and wait till its over. But I can't do that this time. So I'm struggling. Big time. Its seems as if my prayers aren't enough. I pray over and over again at night, Lord take these feelings away from me, help me back into the light. But I still feel this way.  And I'm not sure what else I can do right now to get back up, back away from the cliff.

Hormones? maybe. All of a sudden I feel like all these things are happening at once at warp speed.

Since being diagnosed with Placenta Previa, I'm getting scared to death that I'm going to go into labor early. Everyone wants to offer their 2cents. "My sister had that and she went 8 weeks early, Oh! My neighbor had that and went 10 weeks early."  I'm 20 weeks this week. That means they could potentially come in 10 more weeks. I'm not ready. Not even emotionally at this point.

I am eternally grateful that I'm even pregnant. Every day I think God for another day of life. However, lately it seem's I'm enjoying this pregnancy less and less. I have moments of sunshine, when we made it past 8 weeks, then 12, when I get to see them on the big screen, when we found out the genders. The next big milestone is making it past 24 weeks. Then 30 weeks, then 35 weeks. Then birth. But these moments of happiness are being taken over with all these feelings.

A girl at my second job asked me such a stupid question, and I tried not to let it bother me and now its playing hand in hand with the previa. She staring at my stomach... just staring. Then all of a sudden she ask's me "what would you do if one of them died?"  ummm..... WHAT?!?!?!  This girl didn't know that I've already lost one, almost a year ago at the end of this month. But what on earth would prompt you to ask this, I'm not sure. So now the fear is upfront and center again. Every time I use the loo, examining the toilet paper, do I see anything? Not yet.

And maybe that's where some of this is coming from. Knowing that this time last year I was pregnant, and knowing that in two weeks time I wouldn't be any longer. Goodness, I'm fighting back tears now.

The house isn't ready. There still so much to do and we haven't even begun on the nursery. I'm getting bombarded with "do you have a registry set up yet?"  Trying to fit that into my schedule right now, while working two jobs has been so stressful. I don't even know where to begin and I feel like we need so much stuff and/or worried that we wont have enough. I haven't had time to really research anything. Like tonight for instance, we're supposed to do Toy's R'Us when I get off work. But now, DH can't do it because he's working late (because he's stressing about money, which is stressing me out. Can I afford to quit my 2nd job? But will working a second job work me right into bed rest/pre labor? See what I mean???).
We can't do it this weekend either. After working my 2nd job on Saturday - we're going shopping with my mom to pick out kitchen appliances (which by the way we're not ready to install yet either, but mom is INSISTING we go shopping this.weekend.) Then I just know I'll be pooped, but I still have to go through my clothes and pack things away/give things away. Beeeeecause on Sunday - again after working my 2nd job, going over to the in-laws (with whom we'll have to have a serious convo about watching the kids soon, which I'm so nervous they'll say no-insert stress w/money again) to switch clothes out. Because we have to put the dresser into the closet, so that we can move the desk out of the nursery and into the master bedroom.

Then all of a sudden its Monday again.
I have a apt with my thyroid doc, which I believe my thyroid is still messed up b/c I'm losing a bunch of hair. I think to myself, why can't this doctor get my dosage straight? Why am I changing dosage EVERY 4 WEEKS? Does this effect the babies?

My husband stressed out real bad after we got our taxes done the other night. At my 2nd job, I claimed 2 exemptions for state and federal, which means very little taxes were taken out. First of all, I don't feel like I should have been working a second job. But that's a different story for a different day. Second, it was this money that helped me pay for things. (i.e TREATMENTS!, a new car b/c mine was destroyed, etc etc) that I didn't feel like I could ask him to pay for.   Therefore, we're not getting much of a return. And he was upset with me. That only pushed me further into the deep sea. I didn't do that intentionally. But because of the treatments I paid for, we're getting TWO kids to write off next year and get money back on top of that. It will because of ME that we'll get a significant amount back next year.
I'm supposed to put in my two weeks at my second job tomorrow. But he has me second guessing that I can't afford to do that. But every day, I'm reminded in one way or the other that the health of these babies are way more important that some dumb job. So I'll be doing it anyways.
But then that got me looking at our budget. How are we supposed to do this?  >deep breath<

And by the way, I'm tired all the time. And I'm hungry.

Lets just add in the stress of working job#1 while I'm at it. Deadlines are one thing. My boss hasn't approached me about the logistics of my leave, or anything. So I feel like I have to prepare myself. I'm reviewing the outdated procedure and updating them, making list's of what I do daily-weekely-monthly, making calendar reminders, etc. I've already started to spread the word to people I work with in other departments that I'll be on maternity leave, soon, so they can let me know if there is anything I need to cover in my procedures and get them into the mindset that I'll be gone for awhile. But the fact that she hasn't started to think about it yet, means maybe she doesn't take this seriously? or that I'll come back to a complete mess. I've worked this job now for 2 years. I have everything down to a science. To think that I would have to start all over when I get back... uuugghhh.


How do I stop the madness? How do I get out of this well? Get of out the ocean so I can stare at the beautiful blue water?

Happy Friday.

Until next time - -