Over it?

Ugh. I can't seem to catch a break. One day I think I'm ok, I'm laughing, smiling, joking. The next day I'm so sad. 
I'm kind of in limbo at the current moment. I feel like I'm ready to be over this sadness and loss, but my surrounds are not letting me.
Now... I know its only been 2 weeks, but it feels like its been longer. My mind has really gone more towards looking at this loss as a scientific happening than an emotional one.
I'll explain...
So, the way I was supposed to get pregnant was through science. Hypothesis and all. If I take these med's, Then I'll get pregnant. It was about steps, procedures, monitoring. There was nothing emotional about it. I mean yes... the effects can be an emotional roller coaster for sure, but the plan of getting pregnant itself, is about facts...results... 
So what happened was my body telling me that this was not going to be a good pregnancy, the science of my body knew better than my heart. And that's where my mind is right now.

But my surroundings are telling me otherwise. I'm constantly being reminded of what would have been.
Every week I'm having to go get my blood tested (at the same office where I saw no heartbeat) to watch my hcg go back down, so every week I'm reminded that I'm not pregnant anymore and that I cant even try until I get through the next two cycles.
I had a follow up with the doctor who did my DNC two weeks ago today and I think that's whats triggered my emotions this morning. Seeing him was a reminder of how awful that procedure was and how I felt that day.
I'm still getting "that look" from people at the office and having to convince them that I'm ok. I feel like I'm so behind at my task's at job#1 because from the accident and the loss I've had to take a lot of time off work (I hold myself up to a very high standard) so it feels like I'm under performing. Even though I know that my boss is not holding anything against me.
I still don't have a new car and I feel like this loss is all tied up within my car accident. I spoke with Geico yesterday and she JUST reached out to all medical places this past Friday.. so it will be another 2/3 weeks before that is over.
I've had a migraine for the past three days, I think its b/c of the hormones crashing so its unavoidable. But if it continues another day or so, I'll be back at the doctors to ask, what the heck I can do about this pain.
I mean, if its not one thing - its another. I can't seem to catch a break. I seriously need a vacation from my body. How does that work? I'm trying really hard to get back to normal. But then something happens where I'm sad again. Or that I'm having to jump through another hurdle health wise, or car insurance wise, or work wise.
I'm waiting for the day that its 70 degrees out, no clouds in the sky to stay home from work and just sit on my back deck and soak up the sun. No noise but the birds chirping. No interruptions from the husband. Just me and the sun. It would be better if I lived near a beach - but I don't!

I'm hanging on, hanging in there. Staring at the edge of the cliff. I just need to get through the next month or so.. 

So back to steps. I'll meet with my RE next week to kind of see where we're at. Get focused on the plan. I'm working my way back up to max dosage of Metformin (2,000 mg) and I'm taking pre-natles again. I'll see my regular endocrinologist for my thyroid. Hoping my thyroid levels stay where they are.
I'm going to focus on my 5k training and do this boot camp thing called Soldierfit once a week to start.
I'm going to be fine. I need to learn to let go and let God. I keep staring at this scripture that I printed out and have it on my desk:
"Don't worry about anything, instead pray about everything. Tell God your needs and don't forget to thank him for answers. If you do this you will experience Gods peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus." Philippians 6-7.

Statistics

I'm not really sure how to start this one.......  This ended up being a long one.. so go get a coffee or a snack...


If you've read my previous post's, my story has went from excited about getting the green light to officially start treatments from my regular endocrinologist (thyroid issues), and waiting for my cycle to start so that I could order the med's from my RE/Nurse to start treatments for my cycle in Feb. To..... never getting my cycle because I was already pregnant.   I had attributed this pregnancy to being on metformin (2,000 mg) and having the polyp removed in Nov. When I saw those two lines I was completely dumbfounded and in shock. I really wasnt sure how to feel. Statistics show, that patience with PCOS being on metform have a 6% chance of conceiving with just metformin. I was one of the 6%.
I found out I was pregnant on a Friday, and was in a serious car accident the following Monday. My car was totaled. Statistics show, that 77% of the time that a car accident can happen less than 10 miles from your home. Mine was right across the street from my house going to my 2nd job. I was stopped waiting for traffic to make a left hand turn into the parking lot. The car I was waiting on just passed, and the nano-second I took my foot off the breaks - - - BOOM - - - I was slammed, so hard that my car made a slight left turn (b/c my wheel was already turning), jumped the curb and ended in the ditch.

 

 

I ended up going to the hospital, and explaining that I was 4 1/2 weeks pregnant. But because it was so early, there wasn't much the doctors could do, except wait. I waited two weeks until my 6w date to get a sonogram. I'm not sure what the stats are for this, but there was a heartbeat. And that was then when I finally caved in and fell in love with this little being inside me growing. I started to tell everyone I was pregnant. I had waited 11 years to tell people, and just survived a car accident so I had no issues telling the world, plus working at a grocrey store part time meant I couldnt get carts from the parking lot :). The 6w sonogram apointment was such an amazing experience, to see that little flicker on the screen. That day I downloaded three different apps and started to track the growth. We told our in laws, and parents that we were finally pregnant. Started to plan out the months to come, plan out the nursery and other house projects that needed to get done before month 9.

 

Then came our 8w appointment. It was a Friday. Another Friday....          the goal this time was to see growth. I was happy to see the heartbeat after the accident, but now I wanted to see that the baby has grown. After this appointment I was going to call the car insurance back [Geico] (from the guy who hit me) and close out the medical claim and start follow up with a settlement amount. Before the doctor came in I had a feeling of uneasiness and I can remember asking my husband "what happens if we lose this baby." He said to me "we try again." 

You know how it is, your mind is set on getting each appointment done and 'in the clear,' before you can really start to be happy. Really, the only symptoms I was having was that I was really tired all the time, and my boobs really hurt, other than that I felt nothing. I let this get to me on more than one occasion, but always came back to "every pregnancy is different."

 

So the doctor came in, with a smile on his face. I was ready to see my baby raspberry.

 

 

As soon as I looked at the screen I knew there was something wrong. I stopped breathing. I grabbed the little monitor and kept staring at the screen searching and saw there was no flicker. The Doctor or nurse didn't say a word as they took a couple of pictures. The doctor's mouth was moving and the only thing I heard was what I already knew to be true... there was no heartbeat. The baby was gone. I still couldn't breath, but immediately started crying so hard that there was no sounds coming out of me. The doctor and nurse quickly left the room so that we could regain our composure. I was crying so hard while getting dressed. I kept saying "shit" over and over again.. like shit.. I JUST told everyone. We JUST told our parents.. shit!! Now I have to go back and tell everyone that I'm not pregnant anymore SHIT SHIT SHIT!. We were going to "go public"  (tell facebook) on Saturday once we knew where we stood with this appointment. Just a few weeks away from the 12 week mark. I was so close. SHIT!

 

We briefly met with the Doctor in a different room. He assured me that it was not my fault. I didn't eat anything wrong, I didn't do anything wrong. It was just one of those things. And I know this. This is something I had my mind prepared for. Statistics show, that 1 out of 5 pregnancy's end in miscarriage. I was one of those 5.

That Friday was really really tough to get through. I called off from work and was just going through the motions for that day. I was so grateful for my husband being there. My fertility clinic got me an apt with an OB later that Friday who would be doing an DNC on Monday.... another Monday...   

When I finally made it home, I crashed in bed and slept and cried the rest of the day. I had a shift to work at the grocery store Friday night, and I was stupid enough to actually show up. My purpose for working that night was to tell the manager that I couldn't work on Monday b/c I had to have a DNC and that I had the close shift and didn't want to put my manager in a place where they didn't have anyone to cover me. And I guess I was looking for a distraction. Being a cashier, your forced to be pleasant with customers. It was rough to get through those 5 hours. I still cried.. and had to tell some customers "my eyes are just dry..."   "allergies....."  

 

That Saturday I was off from job #2, but my husband and I had errands to run. I had to run out and get prescriptions to take after the DNC. While we were getting lunch my RE called me and told me how sorry she was. I was really impressed that she took the time out of day on the weekend to call me. She reassured me that this happens, but its ok to be sad. It's a loss. But she wanted me to know she was there to fight with me. Ready for what comes next. She'll be there. For lunch I can remember being at panera. I looked over to my right once we sat down and saw a group of bikers and started to listen in on their conversation. They were having a bible study. Then I look over to my left and a family was praying over thier meal. I was imediatly comforted and felt Gods presance all around me like a hug. I felt good. I felt ok.

Sunday I worked the day shift. Another ruff day. I had some tears when someone came through my line with blueberry's or raspberries. Or when someone bought baby food... I just kept looking down and threw everything in a bag.

 

So Monday rolled around, and I had to be at the hospital in the morning, my procedure was supposed to be at 11:20. I just wanted this to be over with. Everyone knew what I was there for, but a couple of the nurses asked me repeatedly.. "do you know what your hear for, what are you here for, we need to make sure you understand what your having done today.."  um.. yes... please stop asking me to repeat this awfulness. And I had to keep explaining that I was not diabetic.. that I was taking metformin b/c I had PCOS and it helped me get pregnant. The one nurse didn't believe me and had me take a blood test anyways.

There ended up being 2 emergency surgeries, so I didn't end up having my procedure done till almost 1:00. I was in the pre-opp room for almost 4 hours... just waiting... and so hungry... 

When they begun to wheel me into the operating room, I just started to cry again. It's really over after this...  She or he, what would have been, will really be gone. And I'm left with nothing.

As soon as I laid on the table, I was out. Woke up in the recovery room in a lot of pain but glad it was over. Made our way home, and again, slept the rest of the day.

 

I could have planned better, but I ended up calling off work on Tuesday too. I just wasn't ready to be back at work yet. To face people. But Tuesday was a good day. I felt ok. And I could feel emotionally I was getting back to being me. Every doctor I came into contact with since that Friday was so encouraging, nice and understanding. They all had their own personal stories to tell me.

I decided that I couldn't let this affect me so much anymore. I began to look at it as more scientific than emotional. It happened. It's over. I don't see the sense in it laying on the couch crying every day, or feeling sorry for myself, wondering what it was (boy vs. girl) or every Friday remembering that this 'would have been week 9, week 10..." There's nothing I could do about it, drowning in the pain will only stress me out and effect my health. I know and have already faced some minor stings from the past couple weeks. And I know that there will be times in the future where I'll have a tear or have some sadness. But I cant let that effect my future.

 

When I returned back to work on Wednesday, there was a card and everyone had singed it. Of course that made me cry. A few people came by my office and hugged me. A lot of people just didn't know what to say. And that's ok.  I didn't want people to keep saying "I'm sorry." Because I didn't want to keep saying "it's ok." Really because its not ok. But again, there isn't anything anyone can do about it. It just "is." 

Thursday ended up being a snow day and work was canceled. I was grateful to have off that day. Then Friday was a delayed opening.

 

Life moves on. People going through my line at the grocery store don't know what happened, so I have to keep saying "I'm pretty good" when they asked me how I'm doing. I have deadlines approaching at my full time job.

 

So now.... we're in the 2nd week of March. I just closed all claims with both car insurance people. My insurance paid me for my days/hours missed b/c of the accident. I just sent everything over to Geico. Now.... I wait. Wait to see what Geico will offer me for a settlement. This will determine how much of a down payment I will have and what kind of car I can afford. I tried to really stress to the adjuster, that this accident may have not been a directly link to the loss, but that is a strong coincident that I had an accident and just 3 weeks later lose a baby. That I was not a normal person who was pregnant. That I was a fertility patient. that a normal person probably wouldn't get a sonogram till 8 weeks. And if I had waited that long, I would have probably directly linked the accident to the loss.

Its

 

As far as what the future holds...   I'm now waiting for my body to figure out that I'm not pregnant anymore and for a period to show up. Then I wait for the second period. The 3rd cycle is when I can safely start to try again. I hope that statistics are on my side again and that Metformin is all it takes. But my mind is ready for the fight again. I'm ready for the fight.

I've also signed up for a 5k and will be focusing on the training, and weightloss. Improving my diet so that it wont be so much of a change when I do get pregnant again.

I'm going to keep reading my pregnancy books, so that I'm not freaked out by not knowing anything about being pregnant. I'm going to be ready this time.

 

In the mean time, a few follow up doctor's appointments. And hopefully a new car. Every day gets better and better. I'm not sad anymore around fruit or baby clothes or even babies. I'm more hopeful and waiting for May to show up so that I can be pregnant again. But this time, not a single word until week 12. And really.. only those who need to know. I'm not sure that I ever be 100% back to normal, but when my baby is finally in my arms.. it will be close.

 

That's kind of it for right now. Just like I didn't know how to start this point, I'm not sure how to finish it.

Until next time!

 



OM-FLIPIN-Goodness

I am in complete and utter shock. I kept looking at it, and saying "this isn't real, this isn't supposed to happen this way, I can't believe it." Even now as I write this post, I just can't believe its true. I'm pregnant. It was positive. And I'm in denial.
I have had these cramps all week fully expecting to find my period coming at any moment. And it never came. I just asked my DH to buy a test just on a whim. I can't take the suspense. As soon as I got home I peed on the stick and almost immediately I saw two lines. I started to ball, and walked out to the living room and the look on my face said it all and my husband came in and said "yep, that's definitely two lines." So begins my "no way, this cant be true" repeated a million times.
When I woke up I took another one, same thing. Right away. I just stared at it.

I was getting my armour on and readying for the battle I was about to fight against infertility. I was ready. I was ready for the rounds and rounds of shots, med's, monitoring. I was ready for the disappointments. I was even ready to face a loss. It's all part of the battle to win. Winning meant I got pregnant if I was so lucky.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling at this moment. I'm thinking about all of the things the RE said to me, in particular the ovarian reserve number. That it was half par. That I might not have any good eggs left to sustain life.
As much as I want to shout to the world that I'm pregnant. I can't help but wonder, what happens next. When is the other shoe going to drop. I'm ready to face a loss, but that doesn't mean I wont crumble and have a piece of my hart that dies.

So I'm remaining cautiously optimistic. I'm relishing the fact that I have something growing inside me.

I don't want you to think that I will ever forget the struggle I have gone through these last 11 years. The constant disappointments. I will never forget. And my words for you if you are still struggling, to keep fighting. Keep putting on your brave armour and go to battle. Your win will come one way or the other. You are so strong and brave, you don't even realize it I bet. One day at a time, one step at a time.



With that being said. I have no idea how I'm supposed to get through a whole day's work. And I didn't sleep a wink last night. I worked till 11, but until shower and taking care of the dogs I wasn't in bed till almost mid-night, then I tired to read. And I was up by 4ish. Thankfully I don't have to work tonight. I am enjoying dinner with great friends that I haven't seen in a long time. How do I keep this a secrete?
I'm going to target tonight and getting more pregnancy tests and to Barns and Noble to buy the book "what to expect when expecting." I never expected to be expecting. You would have thought in the 11 years that I would have read up on actually being pregnant. Nope! It was all about trying to become pregnant.

I called the nurse and left a message. I'm hoping to hear back soon. Since I've been going through them to get pregnant, I'd like to stick with them for as long as I can. Perhaps I still need to take progesterone, and be monitored closely. I have no clue what happens next. But I have repeated thanked God over and over again.
I just heard back from the nurse and am leaving right now to get blood work done. This is starting to happen at hyper speed. How is this happening to me?

Hey Uterus... Stop Toying With My Emotions.

So, I've been cramping for the last three days, and my boobs hurt-mostly all day and hurt at more times than others. Cramps are on and off all day too, and also hurt more than others. No actual blood though, and I'm really looking for any trace. AND, I'm a little more tired than usual. I'm getting enough sleep I'm sure. Last night as soon as I got home, maybe 5:30/6 I was ready for bed.

I'm on CD27, and that's not unusual for me, I've gone as far as CD28 before and then BOOM there she is. But I have dinner with friends tomorrow night, and I would want to get a least one cocktail. Do I get a preg test tonight and see what happens? I think I might, just to end this curiosity.  Its not impossible. But I hate getting to this part. I hate to be disappointed. If it weren't for this dinner I probably would wait another week or so.
I'm supposed to have ordered my medications for my next cycle in feb. If I haven't even started this cycle yet, then I'll be pushed back to March.

But I guess that's ok. I'm hearing back from the finance person that she has to re-run my benefits and that could take a few weeks (!!!!!!) So I'll be doing a little recon on my own. I just need to re-read some of the information the nurse gave to me last time and call the insurance myself and see what is and what is not covered.

ugh. I cant even concentrate now on what I'm supposed to be doing (bank reconciliations). Its only 2:00. I'm all freaked out from Dr.Google.

See now, I'm getting tired again. But I'm to freaked out to get a cup of coffee. Even my tea has caffeine in it. Why do I do this to myself?

what else... lets change the subject. Its really cold here. Am I contradicting my self with an earlier post? yea, well... its really cold. I have to park a few blocks away from where I work and I could hardly stand it this morning. Just look at this weather.  Cold. More snow. Not getting warmer than 35. ugh.

 

Hey I came up with a rhyme:  BFN or BFP I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Even though I already know the answer. How could it possible be positive?

GREEEEN LITE!

I broke down and called the regular endo doctor...again. I said "I really really really need to hear from someone today." Moments later, the nurse called back. So there's good news and bad news. 
The bad news first.  My thyroid went from being way overactive (bad) back down to low in just under 8 weeks. Has that ever happened to any of you? I find that kind of weird. I asked the nurse how can that happen? she said "I don't know." hmm...   so now my dosage is being adjusted. It was 100, then down to 88, now back up to 100 mcg.    

But then I asked, well ok - but can I move forward with treatments? She said, there wasn't anything listed on the doctors notes to say otherwise, so yes move forward.
Excellent. 

So that's it. Now I just have to be sure I press on to meet with the finance person. My nurse keeps brushing it off, but I think its important that I sit down and actually go over everything and how much I'm going to be putting out. I think I have a right to know yes?    I don't want to get a surprise bill in the mail.

I'll call the nurse in a day or two. Order the meds. And counting down the days till Feb 20th. This is it!