Subchorionic Hemorrhage & a Milestone

Seems as if it was my turn for a scary and traumatic event.
Monday night, I got home from my 2nd job at 11'ish and I felt kind of uncomfortable. I took a shower and laid down, and I had a bad cramp. Kind of like I ate to much fiber and I had stomach knots and just needed to poop. I woke up quarter to 1am with a pressure of needing to pee, but as soon as I stood up a gush of blood came out. I made it to the toilet ok and was just kind of stunned. Is this really happening right now? Am I miscarrying? When I wiped I had some tissue and that's when I called my husband. He took one look at me and looked down and it almost seemed as if he completely deflated. I started to cry and struggled to get off the toilet because I was to scared to even look down or even stand up.
I got a pad on and sat on the floor in my bedroom and just whaled, cried, shake, rocking back and fourth. It was just terrible.
I called the on-call nurse at the clinic. She had said, that if I was miscarrying that the ER can't stop it from happening. To ride it out at the comfort of your home and get to the doctors 1st thing in the morning. So that's what I did. I'm not sure how if even if I slept the whole night as I was still kind of in shock. A thousand thoughts flying through my head, but mostly it was just "why? why would God take away my twins, why would he do that?" One thing I did notice was after the initial bleed, it stopped (other than when wiping).

We got to the doctors around 9am. The on-call nurse must have alerted everyone who handled my case, everyone was so nice and seemed concerned for us. I just love my doctors.
When we got into the room and they dived right in. Babies were there, and they were perfect. What happened was a Subchorionic Hemorrhage. From all the googling I did (because of course I did not retain any of the information the doctor was spouting off), its a blood clot or a collection of blood clots that are right next to the placenta and it can tare away. So that's what happened.They did still see blood when they did the sonogram yesterday. I'm still bleeding here and there and will continue to do so for a couple days.  So I'm a bed rest of sorts. I took the rest of the week off from Job #2 and today is the last day this week for job #1 and I get to rest for a couple days.
My DH, on the way home was like, you realize that we made it past 8 weeks? And I completely forgot about that milestone. We made it past 8 weeks!

I was supposed to have my final appointment today, and have "graduated." But the doctor wants to see me one last time, and to make sure there isn't any more complications. So I get to have a 'real' last appointment next Wednesday. Then coincidentally I have my 1st OB appointment that following Wednesday. It will be two weeks in a row where I'll get to see my little nuggets.

Today I am 8 weeks & 3 days. This is the longest I have ever been pregnant. So from here on out, things will be new to me. And scary for me. As each week passes, I think "wow!" I made it this far! And I don't think this will be an easy pregnancy, but I will do whatever it takes for these little ones.

It's also Thanksgiving. While I'm excited for homemade mashed 'tators and turkey, I'd like to say how thankful I am for my Lord and Savior. I had to ask forgiveness for ever questioning him, especially after Monday morning. But I am completely in line with Him and leaning on him for his guidance. And all I ever need to do is just pray, call on Him and he is there. Always.
I am forever grateful for my husband. He has really come a long way, WE have really come a long way in all of this, and he is there hand in foot for me every time. Love him dearly.
I am also grateful for my clinic. My doctors, my nurses. Even the ones who take my blood every visit. They are so helpful, understanding, smart, happy. I am sad to leave them, to go to a 'factory' setting in a few weeks.

I've saved the best for last, I'll try my best to get the video uploaded here.

8 week, 3 days

I hope and pray that you have a wonderful time off. I also know how lonely it can be, and how hard it is to get through the holidays. It is completely normal to feel this way. I don't know how I did it for so long.

Until next time!

Houston, We have heartbeats!!!!

You read that right. That was a plural. There were two. There ARE two. 

Oh my God, I'm having twins. Though, I always catch myself - I might have twins. This damn miscarriage has really scarred me. I almost feel like I can't be happy because "you just don't know."
But today I am relieved to see heartbeats for both babies. Everything measured great and I'll give the stats below with my 1st picture.

I prayed hard last night. Out loud with both hands on my belly.
"Lord, please take this anxiety away from me. I thank you for everything, I have never been more grateful than I am now. I have a great job with awesome benefits. I am going to one of the best clinics in the Mid-Atlantic region. I have such great resources. And that's all thanks to you. You are all deserving. The only thing I can pray tonight Lord, is that your will be done. I can pray all night long that there's a baby in there and that its alive. But I only pray that your will be done. Amen."

I feel asleep like a champ, but woke up early. Seems my dogs like to steal the blankets and then wake up early to the sounds my cats make. Awesome.

I didn't have to much anxiety in the morning. I just kept breathing, and leaning on the Lord. Lord you got this. But I have prepared myself for either outcome.

Almost as soon as we checked in, we were ushered into the sonogram room. I sat on the table with my eyes closed and just repeated to myself and the Lord - Lord you will be done, Lord your will be done.
I was bracing myself for a loss. When I saw the screen I thought they were looking at my ovary's 1st, the doctor was counting out loud, ".....3? ... nope... 2?  yep, I see 2?"    
WHAT!?
Yep, there's two in there. It was hard for me to not start to all out bawl my eyes out. I just kept staring at the screen. Just watching at this amazingness. They zoomed in on each baby, saw a glorious heart beat for both. Both measured great, with sacks, and poles and all that jazz.

I'm in shock, but I'm also not surprised.  My high beta's kinda led me on. Then small things, like day dreaming about twins for the last week or so. And I've been out of breath doing the most normal things, because my body is working so hard for these two babies. I even said to my friend on our walk yesterday, I was catching my breath - its probably because I'm carrying more than one. And here we are today! I told her and my other best friend.

My mind is still set on getting through each appointment. But I also don't know how much longer I'll have before I start to show. Any twin mom's out there - at what week did you start noticing the beginnings of a bump?
Our next appointment is at 8 weeks 4 days, otherwise known as Nov 25th. Presuming everything looks good, I'll be moving onto a regular OB and I'm kind of scared about that. I've been with my clinic for over a year now and I LOVE them. I LOVE my team and I absolutely love my doctor.

So here we go:

6 weeks 3 days

Baby A:

CRL Calculated Gest Age: 6.1

Gest Sac Calculated Gest Age: 5.6

Yolk Sac: 2.5

FHR: 122

Baby B:

CRL Calculated Gest Age: 6.4

Gest Sac Calculated Gest Age: 6.3

Yolk Sac: 2.7

FHR: 117

Now I just need to think of some cute nick names for these little ones. 

Ultra Sound Eve

I've been quiet, but busy. Not a lot to say either. Except tomorrow is our 6+ week ultra sound where I expect to see a heart beat. I'm ultra nervous. This is the next big hurdle to face and step over. As the hours pass, my hear beat is increasing.
I feel about 50/50 right now. I was freaking myself out last week about the MTHFR gene mutation. Seems a lot of you have had to deal with this, and is common with PCOS.
And I find myself googling early signs of miscarriage. And I haven't had any - but is the progesterone I'm taking blocking any blood from exiting the uterus?  Is that even a thing?  That's a question I'll be asking tomorrow.

My DH keeps telling our dogs that we're going to have a baby brother next year, and I keep telling him to stop talking like that. I haven't gotten that far yet. I can't see farther than a few weeks ahead right now. Even till 8 weeks, 10 weeks, 12 weeks...  its a long ways a head.

Symptom update:
Bloated most days.
Still a mixed bag of constipation and the opposite. But I am going at least once a day.
Sore boobs.
I do feel my uterus getting a little bit harder, especially when I lean up on the counter/cabinet at my register (@ job#2).
And still really tired.

Not much else going on.
My cousin just announced her pregnancy. And it still stung. Going by her due date, its only 4 weeks ahead of mine, which means she just announced at 8'ish week. I have told some people. But will not make a 'mass' announcement for a long while now. And really, until people start noticing. I just can't bare the thought of another loss and everyone knowing. I almost fb'd her and told her she should have kept quiet, that she doesn't know what could happen in the near future. But I didn't. Instead I just kept off facebook the rest of the day and minded my own business.

Anyways, I gotta get changed for my personal training tonight. I'm hoping that should take care of this anxiousness I've got going on.
Please pray for me, and the outcome of the morning.

I will share the results when I'm able.

Thank you! <3 <3

Until next time - -

Beta Results: Treatment Cycle #2

10/23 Beta #1 214  @ 13dpo/cd26 ~ Results-Timed Trying, triggering on Oct 8th
10/26 Beta #2 747  @ 16dpo/cd29 ~ 72 Hours
10/28 Beta #3 1448 @ 18dpo/cd31 ~ 72 Hours

Today I'm 4 weeks and 2 days. I'm staring at these numbers, and I still can't truly believe it. I need to pick up those books again and start reading. I even dared myself to open my baby app back up (pregnancy +), but I haven't moved the app from the 'hidden 3rd page' on my phone to the main screen just yet. Why is it so hard to accept? Why is so hard to move past the big "what if"? Will I always feel like this? I never really knew if I'd see another positive. But I think I'm doing the best I can, its still day by day, appointment by appointment. And I'm sure my feelings will change once I see that heartbeat of his. (DH has always thought we're having a boy 1st). I will finally see that its real and that he's there.

I've already told some people. People who I see everyday that I just can't hide my smile from. I've told my bosses at job #2, but I've waited until today to tell my boss at job #1. And I'll have to tell her to keep it a secret this time. Last time, she told one person, then that person told the next, etc etc.  So when I did lose the baby EVERYONE knew and it was humiliating.

What am I feeling?
Definitely the boob tenderness, at some points in the day its worse. And I feel like they're 'fuller,' not necessarily bigger yet.
Bloating, and gas (more burps than anything)
Headaches.
A few cramps here and there, more like a heaviness.
Mixed bag of constipation and looseness.
TIRED. Like, I'm probably going out to my car at lunch to take a nap.


Plans for the rest of the week.  I'm trying to focus and get a lot done this week at job#1, but its not working. I'm desperately trying to get done these bank reconciliations, and I don't have the energy to research any of these variances. ugh.
I don't work job#2 till Saturday, so it's great that I can chill out this week. I do have a training planned with my personal trainer on Friday. I'm hoping he'll read up on prenatal care. But I don't expect to do anything hard core from here on out.

This is all I can manage to write at this point. I'm just staring at my screen, so I'll end it now.

If I don't get back on here, have a wonderful weekend to all.

Until Then - -

I'm SO Bad at Keeping Secrets

Yea those unofficial results?  I guess nothing is official until its official right?

Today I went in for my blood draw/beta.  Normal. The girl asked me if I cheated and I said, well yes I did and its a no. So she's like well ok, but lets just see.  In my mind I'm like, yea ok.

I didn't even think twice, I was more focused on whether I should try for an IUI next or not. Whats my thyroid thinking, is the demon going to play games with me.
So I went on about my day, reading all of your blogs. Some of you just gave birth, and are probably giving birth right now - hence your absence from posting *wink wink*

So the nurse calls me, not my usual nurse, a nurse from another office. Weird I thought, but ok.

Nurse: Hello, is this *******?
Me: Yes this is she.
Nurse: Well I have some good news for you.  
Me: huh?
Nurse: You have a beta of 214!, Your pregnant!    
Me: No I'm not!
Nurse: Yes you are!    
Me: No I'm not!
Nurse: Yes you are! Now stop it, you have to come in Monday and again Wednesday, and you know that the important thing is that they double.
Me: Yes. Ok.   >scheduled time for Monday morning<
Nurse: (by this time I'm hysterically crying in my office with the door shut) Are you ok? Everything is fine, at this moment in time you are pregnant so be excited.
Me: Sniffles, yes! Thank you!
Nurse: Have a good weekend.
Me: Sniffles, yes thanks you too.

As soon as she said the word "good" I completely lost it. Luckily I shut my office door just in time.
I reacted the same exact way I did last time. I just hypercried, and kept saying "oh my God" over and over again, and shaking.

Officially I'm pregnant. That could change, and I know this now. But I'm excited. Sunday night? I'll be a nervous wreck. This was a huge hurdle to get over, and there will be many..many more.

And now I'm also remembering that my regular endocrine doctor said I was high risk for another mc based on my thyroid levels.
My heart rate is still racing, and I need to calm down. And my boobs are starting to hurt, like all of a sudden.
>deep breath<
I put a phone call in to my endocrine doctor to see what she wants me to do, another blood draw probably to check my TH levels. So I'm waiting to hear back from her.

This week I've sat back and reflected about these treatments. It was going to be my intention to write a sliver linings post, trying to focus on the positive rather on the negative.
I will anyways. And if I need to Monday or Wednesday or 2 weeks from now I can look back at this list and be grateful.

1) Going through all of this, preg #1, car accident, waiting, treatments and now preg #2 it has brought me closer to God. I still struggle with wanting to let go, and complain about "why not me, its my time!!"  Today was a huge wake up call. That I should have trusted him more. I need to trust him more.

2) I have PCOS, but I've had regular cycles for at least 5+ years now. Not many women too. And I ovulate consistently.

3) I've gotten pregnant now twice without serious medical assistance.

4)  My DH swimmers are great.

5) I'm still "young"   (they keep saying that!!)

6) I'm responding to the medicines that I am on, while on treatments.

7) I have insurance coverage, that covers a lot.

8) I have a great support system. My friends are DA-BOMB and my DH is pretty awesome too.

9) I have a great clinic and and awesome team (nurse & Doctor)

I'm sure there's more, but I'm beginning to lose focus again. And I need to get something done during this work day.
Ok, so say a little prayer for me and my...... BABY for Monday morning. Praying that these levels DOUBLE!!

Until Then - -

By the way, I'm scared shitless.